It's early morning when the rest of the world is sleeping and my mind once again will not shut off. My world is falling apart and as I have my computer to take down what I feel, I wonder if I will make sense. As I write I am flooded again with emotions and feelings that not even myself can explain. My head races and my heart pounds and I can only hope that what I write makes some sort of sense. Anxiety overtakes and I am once again drawn into the claws of horror. I feel its grip as it clamps down on my being and its too strong for my escape. Such a grip holds me and I cannot see for the tears that fill my eyes. I struggle to push emotions down again, and I try not to give into the tears. I have nothing left inside. I hear a voice screaming "don't feed me hope", hope is deadly. Trying to pretend what is inside me never existed. It's hard to put into words this jumbled feeling inside that fights deep within me to not be heard. Giving respect for myself in the right to exist. Time? What is time and where does it go? It's day and then day again. There's always a voice or thought that just will not shut off.

Words. How many words can one express? How many times can they make sense? I ask myself this question. It seems words go on and on forever. Do they really make sense? Do they really open a door for you to see what is going on with me? I want them to tell what I cannot seem to put into words. Words that come from inside and so much from deep in my being. Trying to express what I feel. I hear hold the secrets close. It takes you in and spits you out. Every shard rips as it hits my heart. But when I try to move my heart out of the way, it feels out of place. I hear voices calling like distant wind through the zero hour. It cuts and breaks but makes no sound, no moment clear but it brings doubts that are crystal clear-that crash hard into the secret wind. It twists and turns, it changes color and leaves you dry. It cuts you up and throws me about. The line of sanity is thin and where it takes you is thin and it keeps you walking. It never stops. How many times can it cut? How many shards have to pierce before one bleeds to daeth? How silent does one have to be before someone knows somethings not right? I live inside myself, not out amongst others. Moments turn to seconds to minutes to hours to days. How much time gets away? This place seems a million miles away and seems at times not to exist. I write for connection to my mind because somehow it seems to disappear if I do not connect. Somehow words make a connection of being alive and somewhere. Somehow the dots seem to connect when I write. It comes together keeping some part of me connected somehow to your world so I will not disappear.from connection.

Words may not make sense to anyone outside of me but they are as an open world here. Sometimes the world screams and voices, they are the sanity link for me to peace together thoughts that come in bits and pieces over time. As a child, I didn't know all the words we were trying to say and at times it's like they bombard me until I I sit down and try to put them together. Words that needed to be said back when they did not even make sense. Maybe sometimes my words seem not to make sense because I cannot find the way they should come together. At times I find myself straining to hear what someone is trying to say as it comes out a muffle between tears that no one sees falling. To make out the words that some of those inside are trying to say and it is frustrating at best because I want so much to be heard. Fear is real and it is a part of the connection.It reminds me that I am fighting to stay present. Silence.

Thank you for those who responded to my first post. It meant so much. It's hard to reach out as I am not used to it. To answer a couple questions, yes I am on medication and I do see a T once a week. She is great and is my only connection to the world at times. I am glad I found this site and am hoping this will help.me to open up. I am trying and I will try to tell a little about me as time goes on. Right now this seems the safest to me and I just hope it's okay to write. I write because it was not taken away from me and I can write and either push the send button or not. It is my only control. Anyway, sorry this is so long but thank you for listening.

[Soidhonia]

Hello hopefully things are better at this time. It is possible that you just have a lot of feelings and emotions that you feel are not understood on the level, that you feel that you yourself are not being understood, and you are frustrated from the misunderstanding, and the world around you at this time. Journaling is a good form of getting out feelings when you do not feel understood, and you feel somewhat concerned that you will always be misunderstood, and you feel rejected and alone, a lot of the time., with your thoughts and your life in general. Have you thought about going back to school, it is possible that you need something in your life that means that you have expressed yourself in a manner that makes you feel worthy and acknowledged in life. Support groups are good as well, NAMI and DBSA both have good support groups, possibly starting your own DBSA group would be good for you if you need help expressing yourself. There is always a need for good and expressional people to run support groups. I hope the best for you and I hope things get better for you soon. I also want to leave you a hotline number if you need to call someone and talk to someone in person. 1-800-273-TALK. Take Care sincerely Soidhonia

i'm glad you posted again.........writing helps me and i know a lot of people swear by journaling. (one or two ls?) please feel free to post and write as much as you need. we're always around for you. xoxox pat

[FaithisAlive]

I think your words are beautiful... as your spirit must be for such words to find their way from your heart to here..... thank you for sharing...

Writing has always been what kept me sane and grounded.. and kept me from being swallowed up by what was happening to me...and all the emotions that went along with it....

I hope you keep on sharing...and healing..

[Boopers]

Even though you are still in despair, it is good to hear from you. Yes, we want to help in anyway we can and the more you write, the more we will learn and hopefully, be able to help more. Even if it's just to lend an ear and open arms, we are here.
I am glad you are on antidepressants. Do you feel they are helping you at all? if not, maybe they need to try different ones. I had to try several before we found the right ones that do the job.
I'm also glad you are seeing a T. They can help tremendously if you have a good one and it sounds as though you do.
I'm wishing the very best for you.
Please keep in touch.
Linda