It's 2:00 A.M.--another early morning................................. .......

Sitting here I feel a sense of fear. Safety eludes me. Thoughts go through my head that I am trying to sort out. I wish I had the words to just put down here what all I feel but I do not. I try to keep positives going and close but it is harder to do than I think.

I feel closed down and feelings are so close right now. I feel separated emotionally. Only quiet shedding tears, invisible like the wind. Feelings and emotions held so tightly it is hard to breath.

Tears go unshed for fear they will be seen and never stop. A dance of pain, the screeching sound of a million words in the wind--silent yet screaming.

Sometimes I am desperately searching for words--finding only fragments that cut and burn behind doors that burst open without warning and then slam shut as quickly. My heart beats timidly and rapidly, trying to turn upon itself.

Building walls of stone--in constant fear of shattering. Ashamed and reluctant to venture beyond the confines of the familiar darkness. Unwilling to open windows to let in the light. Living afraid in the present--yet reaching to the past known.

A constant struggle of the overwhelming need to be heard yet the petrifying fear that no one is really there to hear. Still feeling words are the only thing they did not take away. Where does one begin to rebuild after destruction for so long?

Sometimes I am searching for reinforcement that this is not all in my head. And yet even as I write this I know the answer but it is hard to accept. I wish it were all a dream and that I would wake up. But I do wake up and it is still there.

And as it comes out I feel drained and exhausted inside and out. I am trying and pushing myself. Sometimes I wonder if I push too hard. I keep holding on.

I feel myself crying inside and wanting to be held yet I feel afraid for some reason. Touch hurts with pain so deep it swallows me. Sometimes just wanting to reach out and just say HELP me as it hurts so much inside but I cannot make myself say it. Some days are better than others this is not a good day.

Writing seems a safe way for me to talk and I cannot get in trouble for they cannot hear me. Sometimes words say it all, sometimes not. I do not know where this falls.

I am reaching to the furthest reaches of my mind, but it does not seem far enough. I do not feel worthy to write, yet without these words I feel I would not exist.

I try to come here and open my most inner thoughts, thoughts that would otherwise go unsaid and unheard. I just thank you for allowing me to write here and trying to open up.

purplesecrets

(((((((((((((((((((((((purplesecrets))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm listening to the words spoken and unspoken. You are doing a heck of a job writing and explaining what you are going through. You know you have my friendship and I'm here for you whenever you need me.

You are in my prayers, and I hope today is a better day for you my friend

*Gentle, Safe Hugs*
Jean

((((((((((((((purplesecret))))))))))))) keep writing ,ive written for many many years a journal, at times i stop as i feel journaled out!! i wrote the other day to uncover a significant insight, related to my illness, writing is good!! keep well

I still wish I could write like you to get it out of my head...I can relate somewhat to what you have written. Glad you were able to keep expressing yourself...

sabau2--

It means so much your words of encouragement and kindness. You mean alot to all of us. I am really trying to get it out. It is starting to come and my trust here is building little by little. For someone who has not trusted it is hard. I know you there and that helps me everyday. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I know you know what is not being said and you still are there--thank you. We so appreciate you.

purplesecrets

jefftele--

Thank you for your words.. I do so appreciate them. I will keep writing for that is my link to life. Words are what they did not take. I am glad that you write also. I send my thoughts to you.

purplesecrets

Direction--

Thank you. As always I look forward to your post. You encourage me more than you know. I know you are there and the words will come to you also. Just keep trying. Your encouragement gives me hope in what I am writing. I know that words are important and something that maybe was engrained in me. It is something that I have been able to take and turn around for my release. SOmetimes the prison I find myself in is so scary but just being able to express it gets it somewhere besides in my head. I wish that for you too.

purplesecrets

Purple,

sometimes written words can go even further than spoken words, yours have gone the whole way round the globe, and there are a lot of us out here listening to you, and sitting with you. And for every action, the laws of the universe state there's an equal and opposite reaction, so for every attempt you make to get help or to express yourself, however small, know that there's people reaching back out to you, and listening to you, and wanting to help you.

(((((((((((((purple)))))))))))))))