[mydog2003]

Me, I could never decide, so I kept switching between feeling real sad and worthless all the time and feeling numb. I didn't know if I cared at all about anything, or if I cared too much.

that is a heck of a question..............

I would rather feel the front end of a semi truck at 60mph

[regretful]

Both are equally horrible. Depression does this same thing to me. It's really a horrible affliction.

[ToeJam]

Really hard to say... been in both states... on a rational level, the feeling nothing is more dangerous for me as I am more prone to doing something stupid as consequences or feelings towards it are inconsequential.

I would recommend which ever state you're in, talking to your dr or T if you have one.

[Supernovarocks]

I would hope you wouldn't actually feel that!

I'd rather be numb. I guess that's why I'm always in bed. No stimulus, just existence!

I would rather feel numb than terrible

[paynful]

Originally Posted by mydog2003

Me, I could never decide, so I kept switching between feeling real sad and worthless all the time and feeling numb. I didn't know if I cared at all about anything, or if I cared too much.

This is actually what I am struggling to accept right now. It doesn't seem healthy to me, but I choose the pain.

I know what to do with it. I cry. I scream. I curl into a ball. It is intolerable while I am experiencing it, but I can talk myself through it like it's a bad drug trip ...because I know it will pass. I know it's my illness.

But... mostly, other people (my family) know what to do with it. The can see my pain. They can empathize. They can see and know that I need them to have extra "care," or rahter, to be gentle with me. They know I need a hug.

When I am in a "numb state" with a blank affect. They don't SEE ME. They look at me and think I'm being lazy or rude. They don't understand that I'm still depressed... they think I am better, because they can't see my suffering in any tangible way.

My family gets annoyed and frustrated, not understanding that I am STILL helpless and held captive by my illness. I can't even defend myself. I don't have the ability to explain... I'm not even sure I can explain it to myself.

Being "numb" is HORRIBLE. I've described it before as feeling like there is an absence of self ...and yet, I am still AWARE. I KNOW I should be feeling more than I do. I KNOW I should be doing SOMETHING, but I can't. I'm stuck and struggling right in front of other people, and they can't SEE ME. I scream and no sound comes out.

Yeah, I choose the pain over being numb. At least then... my family doesn't end up resenting me... and I can understand pain. I know what to do with pain. I suffer less with pain than I do with numbness.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by mydog2003

Me, I could never decide, so I kept switching between feeling real sad and worthless all the time and feeling numb. I didn't know if I cared at all about anything, or if I cared too much.

The times when I've felt that those were the only two choices, it's always turned out that there were others that I was refusing to look at because I was automatically dismissing them as unthinkable. "Leave school?! But then I'll have to work at something dumb that I hate, and my parents will be able to say 'I told you so!' for ever and ever! Switch to a different major?! But this is what I'm supposed to be studying, and everything I like better seems so unscientific and frivolous!" In that example, I did change majors and finish school but -- surprise! -- I ended up working in a completely different field from the one I got my degree in. Also to my surprise, I found myself enjoying it a lot more than I'd expected to enjoy what I was originally studying for.

This is going to sound a bit off-topic but please bear with me. Around the time I was having those ^ conversations with myself, I read about an experiment that someone had tried to do with a young chimpanzee (I think it was). There was a treat, a banana maybe, suspended from the ceiling in plain sight but out of reach. The chimp was supposed to figure out a way to reach the treat by using "tools" -- stacking boxes or joining two sticks together or something complicated like that. Before the experimenter could even leave the room, the chimp grabbed him by the seat of the pants, dragged him over to the banana, jumped on his shoulders, and snagged the treat.

[snarkydaddy]

If I was alone I would not want to feel anything. If I was with my SO. It would be much better for both of us if I felt something.

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[Hellion]

Feeling nothing feels terrible as well if that makes any sense.

[Altered Moment]

My default position when depressed is to feel numb. I don''t think I can help it that is always how it has been. I don't feel sad or angry. Inside I can actually feel really content as weird as that sounds. Feeling totally hopeless is another story. That causes me pain. It has always been cyclic so I always new it would end in a two or three weeks. I could be content knowing it would be over. In recent years it has gotten worse and lasts much much longer. I have gotten much more hopeless. What it has taken from me has caused enormous pain.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hmmm.......good question. I'd rather feel neither.
I find myself feeling numb more often than not during my depressive episodes, I try to keep functioning for the sake of everyone around me and the only way I can do that is through total indifference. When I feel "terrible" it is usually because I'm in a high state of anxiety and often frustrated and angry too. When I'm like that I'll get a boat load of physical symptoms as well. I feel more in control when I'm numb, so I choose numb more by passive acceptance than preference.

[leomama]

I would rather feel nothing at all if I had to choose .

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[Espresso]

Nothing, definitely nothing. I live each day feeling empty and numb and I get by fine. But in those instances where I feel intense negative emotion, it's almost unbearable.

[unhappycamper463]

i don't deserve to feel nothing. i deserve to feel like this **** that i am

[quietfeline]

I would rather feel numb. The pain is too much to bear at times.

Numbness is a welcome relief from feeling terrible and worthless. But it's also dangerous because you really could care less about everything and so often I really could care less about myself as well.

[mulan]

"its better to feel pain than nothing at all" ...Must people just they want what they don't have.