It's just a minor vent. It's making me panic a little.

My parents live out of state, but visit three or four times a year. They have their own little house here.
My dad is pretty laid back. My mom APPEARS to be pretty laid back.
But as soon as they walk off that plane, I turn into a twelve year old again. She wants to know all of my business and questions and comments on everything.

They kind of know about my depression, but they don't really get it. They will be coming here soon and I'm frankly dreading it (causing massive guilt and anxiety). My mom's point of view is that she's on "vacation" and expects me to take her places and do holiday type things (we ran out of stuff to do about a year ago).
I can barely get out of bed, but she expects me to spend all day with them and go out to dinner with them every day. For two to three weeks at a time.
One time, she called my cell phone twice and my house phone twice. I didn't answer. So she drove over and rang the doorbell. I still didn't answer, I couldn't. The next day she asked where I was and told me that she looked in the garage window to see if there was a car there (more guilt).
She's rather passive aggressive and says things like "it's okay...I don't mind....we just thought you might want to see your parents".
She calls and says "what are we going to do today". I make suggestions about things to do without me and she complains that "there's nothing to do here".

I understand that my parents are in their eighties and miss us and know that their days are numbered here. I feel really horrible about my behavior.

Thanks for reading my rant. I know no solution, but it feels good just telling someone else.

Ah man, the mother woes are all around today I don't think this will help, but you're really trying the best you can do right now and that is enough. Your parents will love you even if you can't meet with them.

[Curupira]

I feel you on the stress and guilt induced by trying to keep visiting relatives happy. Family dynamics are tough. Those behavior patterns are really tough to get out of.

Is there any way you can set some boundries that they will actually respect?

Good Luck!

[Little Lulu]

The details of your parents visit (whether or not you entertain them properly, etc) don't matter as much as your feelings about them and their visit - guilt, anxiety, pressure to entertain, fear they won't love you if you don't deliver, etc.

That said, maybe you could set their expectations up front, before they arrive, and be honest - something like 'I love you both but I am having some fatigue issues and won't be up to our usual daily trips out'. Then maybe you can set a schedule that works for all of you. If you mom puts the guilt stuff on you, it will give you an opportunity to work on yourself and get stronger in navigating relationships in healthy ways. I always need help making these type of changes - when you feel weak, call a friend who understands.

Hugs - family is our biggest challenge.

[paynful]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

It's just a minor vent. It's making me panic a little.

My parents live out of state, but visit three or four times a year. They have their own little house here.
My dad is pretty laid back. My mom APPEARS to be pretty laid back.
But as soon as they walk off that plane, I turn into a twelve year old again. She wants to know all of my business and questions and comments on everything.

They kind of know about my depression, but they don't really get it. They will be coming here soon and I'm frankly dreading it (causing massive guilt and anxiety). My mom's point of view is that she's on "vacation" and expects me to take her places and do holiday type things (we ran out of stuff to do about a year ago).
I can barely get out of bed, but she expects me to spend all day with them and go out to dinner with them every day. For two to three weeks at a time.
One time, she called my cell phone twice and my house phone twice. I didn't answer. So she drove over and rang the doorbell. I still didn't answer, I couldn't. The next day she asked where I was and told me that she looked in the garage window to see if there was a car there (more guilt).
She's rather passive aggressive and says things like "it's okay...I don't mind....we just thought you might want to see your parents".
She calls and says "what are we going to do today". I make suggestions about things to do without me and she complains that "there's nothing to do here".

I understand that my parents are in their eighties and miss us and know that their days are numbered here. I feel really horrible about my behavior.

Thanks for reading my rant. I know no solution, but it feels good just telling someone else.

Okay, I might be completely out of line here, so PLEASE IGNORE ME if I go too far.

I kind of want to slap some sense into your mother. She is an adult!! She can't entertain herself in an area that she is not only familiar with but has her own residence in?! And to top it off she puts a guilt trip on you for ...having your own life?!? If you need a day or two to yourself, then IT'S YOUR'S! End of.

Yes, you should probably set up some solid parameters in advance to their arrival, so you don't feel pressure in the moment (face-to-face). It's difficult, but you can be honest. If you don't want to go into detail, then don't. We all know your parents will love you regardless... and you can't really get rid of them no matter what you say. Maybe you could say something like...

"I love you and have missed you. I want to spend time with you, but I haven't been feeling well. If we make plans or if we don't make plans, I might not be feeling up to it. But it's not because I don't want to see you. I just need some time to take care of myself."

Your mother is so used to using guilt on you, you could even turn it around on her... "Don't you want me at my best while we spend time together?" Or... "You wouldn't want me to make myself sick by going out with you when I just need the day to rest, would you?" (This is where a little smiley face with a halo sitting on devil horns would be helpful.)

Remember that it isn't disrespecting your parents, it's honoring YOURSELF and your health. There is no shame in taking ownership of your life. You don't owe explanations or excuses to anyone. This is what you need to take care of yourself. Whether or not they are your parents, they can either be part of the solution or part of the problem.

You are not only a wonderful daughter to put up with such behavior, but also, an extremely tolerate human being! Those back-handed comments would chip away at a healthy person's conscience, but to know that you suffer from depression and she still makes those manipulative comments... it's just HURTFUL.

Okay, I think I might have gone over board. Just consider my rant to be the extreme end of the spectrum, and you know you can find the middle ground where it is most comfortable for you.

Originally Posted by Curupira

I feel you on the stress and guilt induced by trying to keep visiting relatives happy. Family dynamics are tough. Those behavior patterns are really tough to get out of.

Is there any way you can set some boundries that they will actually respect?

Good Luck!

I would have to say no...

I have used the excuse of doctor's appointments "what's wrong? What did he say? Why did you go?" I will deflect to no avail until finally I have to say "it's really none of your business"
This results in extreme offence and words to the effect that she has a right to know because I am her daughter...

If I "have a couple of things to do" she wants to tag along.

It's possible that I will have to show her my meds bottles so that she will get a clue.

Any kind of attempt at making boundaries in my family is seen as me disliking them....

[Curupira]

That is really rough. I hope you survive the visit in one piece. On the plus side you can always come here to vent...
Not much of a silver linning but oh well.

Lots of good thoughts and hugs.

[Silent Void]

Soph, I blasted off on my mother. It worked. She woke the "F" up.

[hvert]

At least they aren't staying with you, right?

What would your ideal be, in terms of their visits? How much time would you spend with them and what would you do?

I get the same way with the dread, and calendaring the visit out calms me down. I create breathing space by adding activities to the calendar that my relatives cannot/will not participate in -- things like going to the gym, hiking, meeting a friend who lives an hour away.

Even if you don't actually do those things, a list of activities your parents can't participate in might be helpful in a pinch

[Little Lulu]

Thanks hvert for those ideas - my sister is coming to visit and I plan to use them! Advance preparation may not ensure a good visit but it improves the odds that it won't unravel into a disaster.

[Clara22]

Hi Sophie's mom,
My mom used to come to visit me to the US twice a year. She would stay around 3 months each time. My US friends could not understand why i allow my mom staying so long. She was used to giving pretty negative feed-back. There was a reason for her to be in that way, but anyway, sometimes it was hard to deal with her. I come from a place where parents are very much regarded; so there are cultural issues involved. I am giving all this background so you understand where I am coming from when telling my experience.
The last 2 visits my mom had I had a conversation with her. I told her I needed her. That it was good for her to come to visit and stay with me. And I told her that her negative feedback was bad to me, and that I needed her support, telling specifically what she needed to do in order to help me. I told her that it was good for me if she come, but I gave her tasks to do and "don't s". I was afraid of doing that, but it did work. My mom was very happy to help me. I found concrete things for her to do for me, and also I could see how she did her best not do the stuff I asked her not to do. To mom, it would have been very hard if I had told her I did not enjoy her visit. Instead, I told her I needed her visit but i told her I needed her to do certain things. You may remember she passed away last year. I am very happy I could work out things with her. I missed her a lot. Of course, when I was in the US it is true that I did need to see her, as I was so far away from home. OK, hope this is useful.

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi Sophie's mom,
My mom used to come to visit me to the US twice a year. She would stay around 3 months each time. My US friends could not understand why i allow my mom staying so long. She was used to giving pretty negative feed-back. There was a reason for her to be in that way, but anyway, sometimes it was hard to deal with her. I come from a place where parents are very much regarded; so there are cultural issues involved. I am giving all this background so you understand where I am coming from when telling my experience.
The last 2 visits my mom had I had a conversation with her. I told her I needed her. That it was good for her to come to visit and stay with me. And I told her that her negative feedback was bad to me, and that I needed her support, telling specifically what she needed to do in order to help me. I told her that it was good for me if she come, but I gave her tasks to do and "don't s". I was afraid of doing that, but it did work. My mom was very happy to help me. I found concrete things for her to do for me, and also I could see how she did her best not do the stuff I asked her not to do. To mom, it would have been very hard if I had told her I did not enjoy her visit. Instead, I told her I needed her visit but i told her I needed her to do certain things. You may remember she passed away last year. I am very happy I could work out things with her. I missed her a lot. Of course, when I was in the US it is true that I did need to see her, as I was so far away from home. OK, hope this is useful.

Thank you for this Clara...
My mom used to be like yours...she wanted to feel useful and I would do what you did...tell her I needed her help. That made her happy.

However, she is more selfish lately, and wants what she wants and when she doesn't get it, she has a pity party.
She makes me feel as if I'm 12 years old, but I also have become her mother.

I want to do the right thing and I hate feeling as if I am more important than she is. I feel as if only one of us can be happy when we're together. Either I do what she wants and I am resentful, or I take care of myself and feel guilty.

It really helps to have other opinions here.

[Clara22]

Maybe she is getting old and her brain is not working well. I am being horrible here but i think as my mom's brain got a bit damaged, she got milder and better to deal with

Originally Posted by Clara22

Maybe she is getting old and her brain is not working well. I am being horrible here but i think as my mom's brain got a bit damaged, she got milder and better to deal with

I think you are correct. I used to work in a nursing home and the residents seemed to fall into one of two categories.....the mellow and the demanding. The nice ones were amazing and lovely. The demanding ones just seemed to get crankier.

On the bright side, my mom's visit makes me work on my patience.
I just find myself, as the days count down, getting more and more anxious.

I really need to have a plan, with a calendar.