[izzyfg2000]

I hate it when people give me those silent stares. Those looks that say "ew" "get away from me" "I hate you" "what are you doing" without ever having to speak a word. I don't get why people stare at me so much like that. Am I ugly? Dumb? Weird? What am I doing wrong all the time?

I'm a horrible person. I crave attention and respect. I lie to others, and to myself. I can't get past a day without saying one small lie probably. I say probably because it's become a subconscious thing. If someone asks me something, and I take it as them thinking I did something wrong, then I'll lie about what I may or may not have done. I lie to myself by giving myself symptoms of something. Like I want to be sick or hurt or sad. Like I want to be put with a label. I'm not sure right now if the things I'm questioning about myself are real. Like the fact that I'm confused about my sexuality. Am I questioning it just to get attention? Right now even, is a plead for "help," for attention. For a response. If anyone is reading all of this. I'm horrible.

Why do I want bad things to happen to me? Why am I such a secretive person when it comes to the most stupid, petty things? I'm a bad, bad, bad human being... I'm selfish.

I get so angry. I want to hurt people. I want to hurt myself. No friends or family I know have any idea what kind of anger I feel sometimes. It's like a monster. It's like a huge being inside of me, separate from everything else. It's a scary, mean thing. And I hate the fact that the scary mean thing is me.

Who is reading this...

Sent from my Galaxy Nexus using Tapatalk

[boo boo sparks]

First of all, no one is staring at you. It is all in your head. Don't you just look at people while you are in a public place. It is normal. No one is staring you down and trying to figure you out. I have the same problem and am coping with it myself. I know that when I am at a public place, I keep my head down and do not make contact with anyone. Just go on.

[Altered Moment]

I read it. Do you have someone you can talk to about all of this? Like a therapist or school counseler?

You are not a terrible person for wanting attention. And we all lie. It's something that we do to fit in or protect ourselves. You are not a bad person but I would definitely talk about the scary angry part of you to someone

[Rohag]

Hello, Izzyfg2000.

Originally Posted by izzyfg2000

Am I ugly? Dumb? Weird? What am I doing wrong all the time?

Definitely not ugly... Dumb?! Certainly not; I've read some of your poetry and seen evidence of your other creativities. Weird? "Weird" is highly context-dependent. Sitting here on this side of the World Wide Web I have no reliable way to judge, but "weird" is not how I would describe what little I know of you.

Whatever you may be doing "wrong" or "right," you are doing it in a world where everyone is also doing everything from wrong to right. The frame by which you judge yourself and by which others judge you is constantly shifting.

In the midst of all this you are trying to build an identity for yourself. But that's not all -- you are struggling with depression, too. Depression bends all it touches including the struggle for personal identity.

Your description of lying reminds me of someone who may have developed lying as a survival mechanism. That's worth investigating.

Wishing you an ever-increasing sense of mastery as you grapple with all these things.

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Your description of lying reminds me of someone who may have developed lying as a survival mechanism. That's worth investigating.

Thanks Rohag, you just given me a bit of insight into something I do.

IzzyFg keep ranting, keep posting, keep following threads, keep asking questions, insight into what is happening to you will come at the most unexpected times. There are many wise friends at pc, and lots of them have, at times, thought of themselves in the way you think of youself right now.

[Fuzzybear]