[Whoaminoone]

I could have posted this in my "Can't sleep" post, but thought it needed it's own space as it will be rather long.
I've been asked several times how I ended up with my current husband. I first met him when I was 20. I was married to my 1st husband and he was a friend of his. They had grown up together and 1st husbands family rented his childhood home from current husbands family. I don't know that he ever spoke directly to me during those years.
When I was 22, my 1st husband was murdered. I was suddenly widowed with 2 small children. His friend (current husband) was there as a shoulder to cry on. He even helped with funeral arrangements. After the funeral he left out of state for business. He met and married someone shortly after that. I went on with my life (there had been no romantic involvement up to this point). I had become friends with one of his sisters though and stayed close to her.
Several years later I received a phone call from him. He'd just gotten divorced and wanted to see me. Needed to see me. I agreed. His sister drove me to see him. He was drunk when we arrived and I wanted to leave, but she (his sister) said I was being uptight and just needed to have a drink and loosen up. I told myself I was overreacting because I've never dealt well with people who were drinking. I waited until he passed out to leave because I didn't want to offend anyone by leaving early...& his sister was my ride.
After that he started showing up at my house any time he had a few days off work. At first he was very helpful. Fixing things around the house I hadn't gotten around to. When my vehicle broke down (motor locked up), he showed up about a week later with a new vehicle. I said I couldn't accept it, but he insisted...& I needed a vehicle. I thanked him and promised to pay him back.
Over time, each time he came to my house more of his things got left there. He basically moved himself in...there was never a discussion. He was at my house one day, about a year into second meeting, and was outside mowing my lawn. His phone was on my kitchen counter and started ringing. I answered it. I don't know why. It was some woman who started demanding to know who I was and why I was answering his phone. I just took the phone outside to him and returned inside. When he came in I said I thought he needed to leave. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I reached for the phone and he grabbed my wrist and positioned himself between me and the phone. He leaned in and whispered directly in my ear that he wasn't going anywhere. I just froze.
When he left to go on a business trip, I changed my locks. Weeks later I was asleep on my couch when my front door was kicked in. He was livid. That's the 1st time I was hit. It took a few mins to even register what had just happened since I was startled awake. Then I was just numb.
That morning he took my kids to school. He cooked breakfast and set it on the table in front of me and just said "Eat". He talked about things that needed done, like it was just another day. It felt surreal. He raised his voice at one point and I jumped. I started cleaning things he said I needed to. I felt detached. Like a robot. I don't know why. I felt like I was in a fog.
Looking back, it's like something broke in me at that moment when my door was kicked in. Like I reverted to that 'safe' place in my head that I used in childhood. The real world felt distant and I felt unattached to it. This became our norm.
When he decided he wanted a child (he didn't have any), I cried. He knew my kids were conceived through IVF. He sat next to me when he ordered me to make an appt with my Dr. He went to every visit. He did most of the talking, and I just agreed with whatever he said when I was spoken directly to. He was there for every visit and procedure. I felt like I was being used as his personal human incubator.

I need to stop here. Talking about all this is putting me in a bad mental state. Maybe I'll tell more later. Maybe my life will help someone else to NOT end up in the same position.
I don't know if I've really answered the question of how ice ended up here, but I hope some can understand.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by Whoaminoone

I could have posted this in my "Can't sleep" post, but thought it needed it's own space as it will be rather long.
I've been asked several times how I ended up with my current husband. I first met him when I was 20. I was married to my 1st husband and he was a friend of his. They had grown up together and 1st husbands family rented his childhood home from current husbands family. I don't know that he ever spoke directly to me during those years.
When I was 22, my 1st husband was murdered. I was suddenly widowed with 2 small children. His friend (current husband) was there as a shoulder to cry on. He even helped with funeral arrangements. After the funeral he left out of state for business. He met and married someone shortly after that. I went on with my life (there had been no romantic involvement up to this point). I had become friends with one of his sisters though and stayed close to her.
Several years later I received a phone call from him. He'd just gotten divorced and wanted to see me. Needed to see me. I agreed. His sister drove me to see him. He was drunk when we arrived and I wanted to leave, but she (his sister) said I was being uptight and just needed to have a drink and loosen up. I told myself I was overreacting because I've never dealt well with people who were drinking. I waited until he passed out to leave because I didn't want to offend anyone by leaving early...& his sister was my ride.
After that he started showing up at my house any time he had a few days off work. At first he was very helpful. Fixing things around the house I hadn't gotten around to. When my vehicle broke down (motor locked up), he showed up about a week later with a new vehicle. I said I couldn't accept it, but he insisted...& I needed a vehicle. I thanked him and promised to pay him back.
Over time, each time he came to my house more of his things got left there. He basically moved himself in...there was never a discussion. He was at my house one day, about a year into second meeting, and was outside mowing my lawn. His phone was on my kitchen counter and started ringing. I answered it. I don't know why. It was some woman who started demanding to know who I was and why I was answering his phone. I just took the phone outside to him and returned inside. When he came in I said I thought he needed to leave. He said he wasn't going anywhere. I reached for the phone and he grabbed my wrist and positioned himself between me and the phone. He leaned in and whispered directly in my ear that he wasn't going anywhere. I just froze.
When he left to go on a business trip, I changed my locks. Weeks later I was asleep on my couch when my front door was kicked in. He was livid. That's the 1st time I was hit. It took a few mins to even register what had just happened since I was startled awake. Then I was just numb.
That morning he took my kids to school. He cooked breakfast and set it on the table in front of me and just said "Eat". He talked about things that needed done, like it was just another day. It felt surreal. He raised his voice at one point and I jumped. I started cleaning things he said I needed to. I felt detached. Like a robot. I don't know why. I felt like I was in a fog.
Looking back, it's like something broke in me at that moment when my door was kicked in. Like I reverted to that 'safe' place in my head that I used in childhood. The real world felt distant and I felt unattached to it. This became our norm.
When he decided he wanted a child (he didn't have any), I cried. He knew my kids were conceived through IVF. He sat next to me when he ordered me to make an appt with my Dr. He went to every visit. He did most of the talking, and I just agreed with whatever he said when I was spoken directly to. He was there for every visit and procedure. I felt like I was being used as his personal human incubator.

I need to stop here. Talking about all this is putting me in a bad mental state. Maybe I'll tell more later. Maybe my life will help someone else to NOT end up in the same position.
I don't know if I've really answered the question of how ice ended up here, but I hope some can understand.

That almost sounds like kidnapping. If not that it was definately threatening. is there a woman's shelter that you and your children can get to? I really hope he isn't physically abusing you as well.

Sometimes we make bad decisions and wind up paying a huge price later. I married a woman who I had dated for two years. After the marriage, she became very abusive, emotionally. She was the female equivelant to the husband who beats his wife, says he's sorry and will never do it again, then repeats the cycle again two days later. I kept making excuses for her behavior. When you have been dating for a long time and married, the spouse knows all the buttons to push to cause maximum pain. She took full advantage of it. Its too long to go into what was said here. We had a child, (AI), and I didn't want him to hear his parents fight, so i would just tell my ex that what she was doing was hurting me. She would cry, appologize and do it again the next day. We split, but her parents convinced me to try again, so I did. I was in graduate school, so after school I would go by. Within five minutes she would be screaming at me and crying. My son would cover his ears and run to his room screaming "no! mommy no! I'll never get that picture out of my head. There are certain things that you don't say if you don't agree with something. When a spouse crosses that line and purposely uses what they know about you, they don't really love you. I sent them home for Christmas, (three states away), and once I knew they were both safe at my ex's mother's house, I called and asked for a divorce. My son was just days away from his third birthday. Children don't remember things at that age and I just wanted to keep him from the drama queen who was my ex. There, my son would have the support of both my ex's parents and my parents while my ex was tantruming. Every time I would visit, she would make trouble. She told my son that I left because I was sick in the head. That they didn't have a house because I wasn't paying child support. I was, always on time. Even after winding up with a chronic pain condition that dropped my income to less than $10,000 a year, I kept paying the same amount of child support that I had when I was making 45,000 a year. I had to take out a restraining order to keep her from tormenting my mother everytime she would pick my son up for a visit.

To this day, (the divorce was in '97), I have not dated anyone though I have had some very attractive women ask. I just can't trust relationships anymore. My son turned 19 last Dec. , so my child support is done. I have a pretty good relationship with my son online. He is in college studying computer science.

All that is just scratching the surface. Any way, my point is that you shouldn't blame yourself. Can you divorce the sob?

sam2

[paynful]

I wish I had the right words to properly support and comfort you. I'm at a complete loss. I cried reading your post. I'm scared for you. I do understand that you are not to blame. I hope you do, too. He took advantage of you when you were in an extremely vulnerable state, and made sure that you STAYED in that mind frame. You sound like you have little to no control over your life and/or safety.

I found myself having the urge to rescue you. I'm not equiped for such a maneuver, but there are womens' organizations that do it everyday. You might not be ready for you and your children to start a new life, but when you are... there are options for you.

Mean while, please, try to stay safe, stay strong and take care of yourself. Please, keep posting.