I think I've reached a "glass ceiling" in my life. I'm almost 25 and I don't know where to go from here. I've had depression for about 2 years now and lost all passions in life. I asked myself what I want out of life, as I reckoned that would drive me to achieve something, but low and behold, nothing came up. I sit with 3 university degrees behind my name, great and supportive research colleagues and all the potential to do anything, but I hate it all, and I don't know why . I've enlisted for a doctoral degree now too, but I just did it because I don't know what else to do. I'm basically a puppet for whoever wants to give me something to do for them (I mean research projects and lecturing, and the like). I lie daily saying I'm very happy with the decision I've made just not to make my colleagues nervous as they have invested somewhat in me (time not money, luckily). I hate myself so much for feeling this way because other young people would kill to be in my position, they are so hungry and willing, and here I sit, not happy with anything. Why am I such a miserable, pathetic excuse for a human being? As I sit here, I feel no emotions whatsoever. I've given up on love also. I'm at such an empty and low point in my life, that there is now only one thing I still enjoy a little bit - eating junk food. I've been fat for as long as I can remember, but I just don't care anymore. Going down to the fast food outlet is now the only reason why I still wake up everyday, nothing else would make me get up. This is so ridiculous, I can't believe it myself, but it's true. I really wish that I won't wake up in the morning anymore. I genuinely look forward to dying as that would be something different and exciting, different from the daily grind. I can't actually believe that I hate myself this much. I would give anything to be positive, but I don't think I've ever thought one positive thought my entire life. My entire life has been one long episode of negative reinforcement and criticism, it's like the air I breathe. I think I've been depressed my entire life, but only understood it's existence since 2 years ago. Guys, sorry for the long post, but I just see no way out. I'm really scared because on rare occasions I have weird demonic-like episodes where I can get really irrationally angry and do really stupid things and I'm surrounded by a lab full of poisonous and flammable chemicals. I really need help as I don't want to do something bad to myself. Luckily, my anger is usually directed at inanimate objects or myself and it immediately stops when someone else walks in on me (how pathetic!). I really want all this just to end - this feeling of emptiness and nothingness.

Thanks for listening,
Adrian

[Lillybet]

Just wanted you to know that I listened. I wish I had a magic wand that I could use to make you feel better. Just remember that what you are feeling now is the disease talking. It is affecting every aspect of your life. My only advice is get treatment and find a good psychologist to help you make sense of what you are going through.
Just so you know I have had depression since my teens, it comes and goes in severity but I am now in my late 50's, been married to the same guy for 34 years and have kids and grand kids. Ask me today if life is worth living and the answer is yes, tomorrow it may be no. I have days when it's all
too hard and I retire to bed, days I struggle on and days when all is well with the world.
Depression to me is a disease just like diabetes or rheumatoid arthritis, I didn't ask to have it, I wasn't a bad person, but I have to live the best that I can.
I hope you can find your balance in managing you depression, you sound like you have a lot to offer the world.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I'm really scared because on rare occasions I have weird demonic-like episodes where I can get really irrationally angry...

My episodes involve irrationality, anger and terror.

Originally Posted by StbGuy

I think I've been depressed my entire life, but only understood it's existence since 2 years ago.

Having been depressed as long as you can remember, you have no measure to judge undepressed. You have no way to know if what you are doing would be fulfilling were you not suffering from depression.

Have the people you've consulted appreciated that?

Thanks for the responses, guys. I've been unhappy my entire life, I don't think I would even know happiness if it hit me like a ton of bricks. I genuinely can't appreciate the stuff that seems to make other people tick - love, laughter, family, friends, etc. I think the whole reason why I don't feel happy is because I don't know how it feels, so I will never know when it passes by.

[Altered Moment]

Have you ever sought treatment for depression?

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Have you ever sought treatment for depression?

Only general therapy with a psychologist, but that didn't help much.

[yumi]

I know you have all those degrees you worked so hard for. But, I ask you, what are they really good for if they don't bring YOU any 'life-giving' happiness?
Its OK to step away from them and pursue something that empassions and fills YOUR soul, not anyone else's. I hope I am making sense.
I pray that you find happiness. You deserve it.

Originally Posted by yumi

I know you have all those degrees you worked so hard for. But, I ask you, what are they really good for if they don't bring YOU any 'life-giving' happiness?
Its OK to step away from them and pursue something that empassions and fills YOUR soul, not anyone else's. I hope I am making sense.
I pray that you find happiness. You deserve it.

Thanks so much for that. What you say is true, and I realise it too. I can step away from all that. I just have no idea what else to pursue, all my ambitions are dead and gone. I used to dream before, now I don't anymore. I'm at a dead end.

[Altered Moment]

I think I've been depressed my entire life, but only understood it's existence since 2 years ago.

That is the problem. Depression robs us of all passion. We don't care about anything. I am very passionate about nature photography when I am not in a depression. When I am in a depression I don't want to even look at my camera. I want to go back to school and get degrees that I always wanted to get but when I am depressed it is just to scary I don't care anything about it.

What I am saying is that maybe if your depression was successfully treated you would discover your passion. Maybe you do have a passion for your field of study or maybe it lies elsewhere but your depression has to successfully be treated to find out. That is just my take on your post.

I think that's the whole problem. I don't feel a connection with anything I've done my entire life. Everything's just been a chore, the next challenge, the next thing that has to be done. I've never connected with any of them. My logic tells me that there must be something out there for me, but I don't even know where to start looking. I'd love to treat my depression, but I don't have the money for it. All I can get is the free psychologists they provide at my university.

[Lillybet]

We have a public health program here in Australia called Beyond Blue.The focus is on depression and it has a lot of resources available. http://www.beyondblue.org.au
Do you have anything like the "beyond blue" program where you are? . Do you have any sort of telephone counseling service you could use.

Originally Posted by Lillybet

We have a public health program here in Australia called Beyond Blue.The focus is on depression and it has a lot of resources available. beyondblue - Home
Do you have anything like the "beyond blue" program where you are? . Do you have any sort of telephone counseling service you could use.

I actually don't know if we have something like that, because to be honest I've never really sought help before. I think that's also part of the problem, because it's embarrasing.

[Lillybet]

It's that very reason that beyond blue was started to help make depression an topic that everyone knows about and accepts as a medical condition.
Have a look at the web page you can do that without having to be embarrassed and you might find some things that help you.


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