[Lbelle]

My husband and I have three children. Our oldest were from a previous marriage and the youngest is ours together. We actually met online when we were married. I know, that's awful. No excuse but I was in a abusive relationship and I just wanted someone to love me. My husband at the time ended up trying to kill me and killed himself instead and my now husband s wife died from a disease. It would seem our destiny's were aligned. That was until I discovered his adiction to Craigslist. I was so devastated the first time I discovered it. He really was my hero in many ways and I held him on this pedastestal. I was crushed. Its happened over and over again...the cycle of me discovering and him denying and then feeling betrayed and not good enough. Its been mostly men but women too. I also discovered his anger issues especially with alcohol. He's very charismatic and talks to everyone. He enjoys being the center of attention.

I love him but he won't stop and I feel so stuck. My own father told me that **** happens. My father has been my idol and last year when I was at my worst he told me about his marital problems and that he'd found someone else on the side. This was after asking him for advice. I have no one to talk to and I'm honestly feeling like all is lost. My own issues are getting worse and I just feel like I haven't really lived in years. I don't even think anyone cares honestly. I'm just so tired of feeling like this and I need some real advice.

[Altered Moment]

My advice is to start taking steps to take care of yourself. Whatever that may mean. Do you notice a pattern in all your past relationships with men? You do not have the power to change another human being. They have to want to change. Can you live with his behaviour if it never changes?

[Rohag]

Welcome to posting, Lbelle.

Your present is...problematic. The abuse and severe trauma associated with your first marriage and its end compound things. You're probably going to have to come to grips with the past, too.

I certainly agree with Zinco14532323 -- prioritize yourself and children. I hope others here (in any of the forums) will have useful advice for you.

Hi and welcome.....
Frankly, and no offense, your father's "advice" sucks....He's only excusing his own behavior by aligning it with your husbands. "Boys will be boys..." Oh honestly...

Don't buy into it. It's wrong and you deserve to have a faithful and loving marriage.

That said, if he doesn't want to change, then he doesn't want to change....

My sister in law was in a similar situation....he refused to seek therapy. She went alone for a while to help sort out her feelings and what was important to her.

I hope I didn't offend too badly. I tend to tell it like it is. And sometimes we're so deep into our own **** that we can't see clearly.

The most important thing is to treat yourself well, in whatever manner you are able.

[Lbelle]

Thanks everyone. I know what everyone is saying is true, but I guess I can't stand the thought of being alone. I keep hoping he'll come to his senses. I do love him, but I think it's become an obsession for me. For instance, I couldn't stop checking his email and looking to see where he was at on Find My Friends. When I knew he was trying to meet up with someone I would go into a depression. I might hint at something, confront or cause a conflict...we'd get intimate and it would start all over again. The jealousy is crazy if we are with a group of people. It drives me mad and when he starts to drink it's worse. He can be mean at times, or overly social and I'm just prone to this starvation of his attention.

I had gone to see a counselor for a while. I think it was good for me to get things out. She had me see someone to get medication for my anxiety, ocd and depression. It helped A LOT in the way of making me able to cope with what was going on around me. I've been very up and down and struggled with any kind of connection with my children. Whether it was a hug or conversation and it is frustrating that I couldn't seem to grasp hold of whatever was causing that.

But, I stopped seeing her and stopped the meds. I guess I just wanted to feel again! And, admittedly, I started to feel like she was boring me, I didn't trust her and I didn't want to waste my time anymore. When I say that out loud it sounds awful but I don't feel bad and yet...I still do.