Why can't I be happy?

No matter how much I try, I can not be positive. At times, I don't want to make her happy, I want to bring her down, & make her feel sad. I like the power. I use to not do this, but the longer I have had this depression the worse it gets. I don't get why I do to this one person, she isn't the closet person to me. I am not even depressed all day, I am never happy though. I am irritable, feel like a burden, angry.

Can you just stay away from her until you feel more stable? Is there a way to stop all contact with her? If you can't communicate with her, then you won't actively hurt her.

Using that sort of power--in making other people sad, is a terrible way to live life. And it looks like you don't want to be that sort of person either. Positivity is something that cannot grow when your heart is full of pain. Give yourself time. And give the girl some space. You're lashing out and while it may feel good at the time it will always leave you guilt ridden and feeling terrible in the end. You need time to heal and being around that girl won't help at all.

I lash out when I am depressed, but I know that is no reason to be mean to her. I feel bad after I do, & I really want to stop acting like this. I just want to be a nicer and better person.At times, I feel worse when I am around, which is weird.

I could try to, but she would ask why I am not by here, & if I am trying to ditch/ignore her.

See? That's great that you don't want to be that kind of person and I know it's difficult to stop. There are a multitude of ways to try and monitor your own behavior but it'll have to be little by little to make lasting progress.

Start with apologizing to her when you do something that makes you feel bad. Spend less time alone with her and help use others to keep you in line. Tell her that you've just been going through some rough patches and you know that you've been harsh to her and you're working on it. Keeping an open dialogue is extremely important and often the best policy.

These things take time. Gently work on it and you'll get better

She asked me if I could stay in her study hall with her, & I said, no.
Because I didn't want to hurt be mean, i didn't want anything to happen. I always feel stressed around her.

I really o not feel up to telling her about my depression though. I don't want her to know. I hate when people worry about me.

Though I will do everything else suggest.

Well today was pretty good, I didn't say much to her. I try to get away from the situation when I know I will stay something rude.

I;m just not sure if I should tell her about my depression. I know she can be at times judgemental about depression saying people should just be happy, & wants to know why people are get depressed.

I am rapidly approaching an age where i should be able to look back on a wealth of happy memories but instead i am still questioning what is happy and am i even capable of experiencing it ? talk to someone and get help soon.

You don't need to tell her specifically that you have depression. Just that there are a few family issues or personal things you need to work though. You're putting in a lot of great effort Way to go!

I just don't feel all that comfortable telling her. She is my friend, if she understood it better, I might tell her.

Still got to tell my teacher, or send the email to him, I haven't yet. Hopefully I will be able to soon, & not keep putting it off, & getting scared.

That's true too. If you aren't comfortable then don't tell her. It's definitely more of a personal decision in this case

And no worries! Slowly and steadily build confidence. Usually when I have to do something difficult my therapist will ask me to imagine doing it and then every time I freeze up from anxiety or fear then I pause and do a breathing exercise and then continue. Don't really know if that'll help you though. What I find more useful is just writing down how I feel and what I think is stopping me. And then try to rationalize it out along with thinking about the best and worst case scenarios. Plus sometimes I ask someone to do it for me. Set it all up and tell them to close their eyes and click the mouse :P that way they don't see the email and I don't have to send it myself hahahahha

I really want to die right now, I am just really depressed right now

I wish I could do something good, I wish I could something god without messing up. I can't do anything right. I am failure

i know the feeling now....... it shall hopefully pass....
(((((fox)))))

It always there, though. It never passes, I always feel horrible & never happy

There will be better times, I've been living with depression for long enough to know that. The good times may be few and far between but they're worth hanging on for. Stay strong

I wish I could be happy, enjoy things, have fun, & be positive but I can't

I don't think I can stress this enough. Emotions shift and sway with any sort of wind. This will all come to pass as long as you keep doing your best to fight it (which I know you are). Do not think about what you've lost to depression. It will only make you sad. Do not think about yourself in wishes about personality and happiness. Focus on solid steps you can take for yourself. Join clubs. Get a job. Learn more about life from the movements of cities and people. Go to the city and give a homeless man/woman money in exchange for their life story. Write appreciation letters to all the people who have helped you. Compliment to everyone you meet. Offer to share an umbrella with a stranger. Meet people. Everyday write 3 things you are grateful for -- they have to all be different.

Life is not about being happy or enjoying things but you can almost always pull some sort of joy and love from the actions of others and the actions you give to others. Positivity is not something that you can wish into existence. Do not dwell on sadness or else it will consume you. Instead ask yourself why can't I NOT be happy? The answer is often "I don't know." start from confusion. Grow and learn. You have much to give the world but first you must take because that is how we grow. If we starve ourselves of water we die. You are a young sapling. You must first grow sturdy roots and that is almost always a terrible and painful process and plenty of us haven't mastered it either. But I stress not to throw a pity party for yourself. You are stronger than you think. Wiser than you believe. And more amazing than all your parts put together. If you constantly stare at what other people seem to have (and I stress the word seem because everyone has troubles we can't imagine) you will never have enough time to see what you have.

Move. And when you can't move make plans about moving. And most importantly, keep pushing yourself while accepting your failures. Failures mean you tried. And you are not a failure as long as you keep trying. The more you stare at depression the more you lose hope. Look around, feel your heartbeat. The billions of cells in your body are working hard to keep you alive. The wall you think is made out of titanium is actually made of cardboard but you need to strengthen your muscles to be able to blast through it.