hello everyone my story

Hey everyone, my name is well it doesn't really matter what my name is I am 20 years old suffering from major depression for past 4 years well I have been depressed for almost my whole life, it all started in year 1999 when my country was bombed by NATO @ that time something really scared me and I stopped to speak almost completely since then I never really spoke more then 5 words with anyone hey, how's it going and that's all everyone, though that I'm just shy or something like that but I never really was shy I just could not think of the words to say or they just could not come out. 1999 bombing isn't The only reason I stared being depressed as 1999 was the year that my brother's started doing drugs weed, cocain, heroin and started doing criminal things robbing places etc. to support their addiction. War passed nothing changed everything got even harder after the war (bombing) school started finally I was going to the real school so happy can't wait 1st grade started from the first day @ my school, I was bullied beaten every day, every single day because I really don't even know why but I think that it was because I didn't really talk as much as other kids did I had Only 3 friends in the whole school. I get home happy because I survived one more day at school, coming home was happy felling until 2 and grade, then my father started to abuse me to beat me for nothing he abused me my mother and my brother it was just a pure hell worse then going to school. In 4th grade I tried to commit suicide, no one really know's that, except those 3 friends from school and now the whole internet luckily they stopped me nothing changed for 3 more years every day got abused (bullied beaten) @ School and @ home, then one day I just couldn't take it anymore and stood up to all bully's @ school, I started fighting back for the first time I beaten every single bully every single day in my school till one of them didn't ask why are you beating me emedliedtly I stopped hitting him and just said to him now you see how I felt every single day for the last 5 years and if I see you bullying anyone in the school again I will not stop fighting back till the rest of my life and Guess what, they never did bully anyone again. Everyone was looking @ me and everyone was applauding me that was the proudest day in my life I stood up for myself I am still to this day really, really proud of what I did that day and will never forget that day. Now @ least I could be happy, normal kid @ school if not @ home @ least in school another year passed got abused, beaten every day by my father and then I fell 6th grade summer came And he found out (my father) that I fell 6th grade, he really got pissed because I didn't tell him until it was time to get grades on paper from teacher, he started beating me yelling @ me and I just blew up I was so angry had so much adrenaline in me that I broke my bed and took a long wooden stick and started yelling back, I was really lucky because my mom was there if she was not there I think that I would have killed him that day I just can't put it in words how I felt and how close I was from killing him I calmed down a bit and throw him out of the house told Him to never come back that he ruined our life's which was true, I didn't speak with him for 1 year after that I was and to this day am still scared of that moment of that day when I threw him out I was really proud because there will be no more abuse in our house but then @ the same time I was really sorry for him that was the first time i saw him crying. After that 1 year I started going to his place @ weekly basis and I started to believe that he changed but once an abuser always an abuser. To move on then more problems started mine Brother robbed someone and was sent to prison to serve 7 years he just turned 18 I remember getting a call from my mom when I was on last class in school, she told me come home, I need you your brother just got arrested, she was really feeling down (depressed) so I needed to take care of her hardest time of my life when I realized that I will not see my brother for 7 years that was heart breaking for me I always looked @ my brother like my father he and my mother were my everything I told myself 7yrs will pass fast he Will come back faster then you think and you need to take care of your mother after some time my mother got better and we were all happy again soon after 2 years passed and there he was, he was back home relesed earlier now I can hug someone I can talk to someone when I'm feeling down or when I have some trouble that was the happiest time of my life I was finishing my school + my brother just got back what can be better then that you half a year later I started going to high school was really cool friends were awesome everything was Just as I wanted, but in the meantime, my mom got fired from her job there was no money for food for anything I just couldn't watch how they are trying to hide it that we don't have any money so I quit school to look for job and support my family found a job started working never got paid after 1 year or so we moved out of city to a nearby village where my grandmother had a house she was sick in hospital so we took the land and started working on it and it was perfect well not perfect but better than in city we had food on a table money Was really small we only had enough to pay for a bills and that's it, I found some job after some time I earned about 70$ in a month yeah its nothing I know, but @ least it is something I bought some livestock and we earned from selling eggs and meet and stuff like that everything was getting back to normal my brother got a job got a steady monthly salary of 200$ to 250$ was not on drugs anymore there was again some light @ the end of the tunnel there was some hope for the future we could forget the past and move on. well soon after Things started to turn the wrong way again, my brother started using drugs again and he got into trouble again we didn't notice that he started doing drugs again when we noticed it was 2 late, he ran away after few days police came knocking on door looking for my brother, he did something again omg why, why again police didn't even say why are they looking for him 2 policeman took me out of house in front garden there was 6 more inspectors standing in garden my mom inside they started threatening me that if I don't tell them where my brother is they will kill me that they will ruin My life They started beating me and yelling @ me as they are hitting me in the head and legs in that 2 minutes I went thru my whole childhood again seeing all those bully's and all those beatings in school and @ home I started crying and yelling, I don't know where he is, he just left 4 days ago, he didn't tell anything, he just left they stopped betting me, put me in car driving me around to scare me even more yelling we will kill you we will ruin your life we will kill your brother when we find him we will kill your mother if you don't tell us where is he I told them Again, I don't know he left without saying goodby fools they drove back to house picked my mom and with her did the exact same thing driving around in car to scare her then after a while they drove us to the police station we sat there from 7am to 23 pm without even knowing what he did or why they are looking for him or anything and finally they told us that they are looking for him because he killed a woman we instantly fell in shock we didn't know what hit us I couldn't sleep for 4 day's couldn't eat culdnt sleep couldn't do anything I Was just sitting and looking thru the window when they will come to pick us up again after a month they arrested him we moved back to city still shocked what just happened that year I lost my brother, my grandpa he died of a pain for my brother, we were not even know that he died until next year when my grandma died we were not envoy invited to the grandpa's funeral like we did something that year when my grandma passed away I lost one more brother to a drug overdose I was in shock he just got a son and Eden but I think that We wanted to celebrate his son's birth my brother got sentenced to 30 years in max security prison I haven't seen him for 2 years for the last 4 years, I'm feeling suicidal every day more and more it just feels in oven how to describe it. In last 4 years I lost everything that I loved in my life I lost 2 brothers grandma and grandpa and I lost my will to/for live/life
I'm still living in shanty life can't get jobs because of depressing, don't have enough money to support 2 of us I haven't left the room for the past 4 years, I'm scared if I go out I would kill myself or those cops will kill me.
Today, after so much time I got a little bit of hope as I found out what I want to do I remembered that I didn't finish high school. So right now my dream is just to collect somehow 80$ to start going to school, I really hope that if I start going to school again that my depression will go away my life was never easy from the time I was born, I was never wanted from my father he never loved me, I forgive him and I forgive my brother, I forgive everyone everything that they did to me or my family I don't hate anyone I just hope that I that I don't make the mistake of killing myself.

KIDS DONT DO DRUGS YES DRUGS ARE COOL BLA BLA BLA YOUR FRIENDS KNOW BEST WELL NO THEY DONT AND NO DRUGS ARE NOT COOL @ ALL U WILL RUIN YOUR AND YOUR FAMILYS LIFE
IS IT JUST SO ****ING HARD TO SAY NO TO THOSE ****ING DRUGS JUST SAY NO
I LOST 4 BROTHERS BCUZ OF DRUGS AND 17 FRIENDS

THANKS FOR READING SORRY FOR ALL GRAMMATICAL MISTAKES ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE AND I'M SORRY FOR SO LONG STORY I WAS SO STRESSED THAT I NEEDED TO TELL IT TO SOME ONE ONCE AGAIN THANKS FOR READING

my conclusinon
idn realy i guess im just lost i just need for someone to show me the way out i just wana talk to someone i miss my brother idn i miss my life i miss my childhood i never got to see what a happy childhood is like maybe im just a kid in adult's body i realy dont know. i just want this pain to go away. huuh this is long
as i am reading what i wrote i am telling to my self dont post this but then again why did i write it then

btw post an reply share your story tell me what should i do just keep me bussy

Hi ice93, nice to meet you. I'm bipolar, but mainly just depressed. I just came out of a long, over two years, suicidal depression, thanks to new meds. I know how bad it can leave you feeling.

It is obvious from your story that you have suffered a lot in your short life. I can't imagine going through what you have. I'm an only child and don't know what it would feel like to lose a brother, but I have lost grandparents and my parents and it hurt like hell. I was very close to them all. I'm much older than you, 62, and see I've had an easy life compared to yours, but depression knows no boundaries. It can hit anyone, anytime and it can be deadly.

I hope you can get back in school and get that diploma and that it helps you find work. I've recently quit working because of the depression, myself.

Don't worry about your English, you did just fine. I would suggest that you break your posts into more paragraphs. Some of us have trouble reading long posts that don't have frequent breaks due to a problem with concentration.

Wishing you the best.

- v

Hello & a terribly belated Welcome, Ice93. I see you posted back at the end of March.

You have endured many traumatic experiences in your life. Those many traumas have strained your inner psychological resources. I hope you can find something stable in life soon.

Your idea to go back to school is excellent!