Very heartbroken.

I go back and forth between my apartment and my S/O's. Every two or three days I'm switching. He is in failing health, and I am his caretaker when he needs help. We weren't happy living together, so we split up 7 years ago, but remained the closest of friends. He's not terminally ill, but he is very frail. Past two weeks, I've been going over to help him shower because even that is getting to be too much for him.

I'm home at my place now, and have things I need to attend to here. (Doing taxes, housework of my own, etc.) The past few times that I've come home, I've gotten nothing done. I've become very depressed and just stay in bed, look at the TV, or read stuff on-line. I came back to my place last night, and I've done nothing constructive today at all.

Partly, I'm in grief over his loss of health. Partly, I'm in grief over the prospect of losing him. He is really my only friend. What family I have are very far away. I don't think that I will even visit my family this year because I don't want to leave him alone. I'm not that close with family anyway.

Just typing these lines has me very upset. I am seriously depressed. When I am with him and doing things at his place, I feel kind of happy and purposeful. Here at my place, I am just getting sucked down into an endless hole. I could go back to his place tonight, but I don't want to do that either. There is nothing special for me to do there tonight, so I would just sit in front of the TV there, or try to read. He goes to bed quite early, and I would sit up alone feeling dreary.

So I will stay here tonight. Maybe tomorrow, I will wake up and do better. I can't stop crying right now. Earlier, I did talk to a neighbor who stopped by. The neighbor was a pest. Also, I did telephone an acquaintance and chatted for awhile and agreed we will meet for lunch soon. But I did not really enjoy our talk on the phone. This acquaintance is not a very giving person and has always tended to call me to ask for some favor or other.

I wish my S/O could come to my place for a few days, but we've tried that and he just is not comfortable here. His apartment is handicap-accessible, while mine is awkward for him to get around in.

I feel so bad and I can't seem to find the strength to pull myself together. Every morning I wake up with a lot of discomfort. I need surgery on my foot because my walking is getting more and more painful, but I am putting it off. I have pain med that usually gets me feeling pretty comfortable, but I use it sparingly. (It is hydrocodone.) I have awful muscle soreness/stiffness that gets better in the afternoon. Until it eases, I can not do too much. I got it under control today, and then I got nothing done.

I am losing the only real friend I've ever had. I am becoming hysterical at times alone in my apartment. Still, I feel I need a break from being at his place, after a few days there.

My PCP made me choose between pain medication and some psych meds I was on. I don't dare ask my psychiatrist to put me back on the meds I got off of (Ritalin and Restoril.) That would cause my regular doctor to stop the Vicocin (hydrocodone) that is more important to me. I don't feel either one of them has any idea how awful I'm feeling. It's like there is no one for me to turn to.

You seem very strong and your an angel for taking care of that person. I am dealing with similar circumstances although I am much younger. You should pat yourself on the back not to many people would be such a good care giver when they are facing their own demons.

Sounds like you might be experiencing compassion fatigue in addition to the physical stuff. Do you have anyone you can talk to on a regular basis like a T? Take care.

There's not much I can think to say that would help. It just sounds like a very tough situation for you and that will remain so for a while. Just try to live in the moment and do the best you can. And don't forget to take care of you too.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds terribly painful. I know it is natural to want to block the pain but please consider allowing some of it to come through.

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Thank you very much, everyone above. I don't have a T. Don't want one. I got some "emergency" counseling about a year ago, and the T just said "maybe you should do less." Hearing that wasn't helpful. I know what my options are . . . and I know what his are. He's getting closer to needing me to either move in with him 24/7, or help him find a nursing home. I won't take on more than I can handle. He wouldn't expect me to. There is no amount of therapy that makes these situations easy to navigate through. Sometimes you have to choose amongst sad options. If he goes into a facility, then I will be visiting him there. Right now, I would rather be with him in a home environment.

I gave up talking to my doctors long ago about my stresses because the only response doctors seem to have is, "Well, let's consider adjusting your medications." Then there came to be that sort of competition between my PCP and my pdoc about what I should be on, with my pdoc telling me he thought my PCP was being too severe in restricting how many meds I could be on. They are part of the same system, but couldn't talk to each other directly. Now I hate going to see either one of them. I just force myself to go to get my prescriptions.

I didn't even eat anything decent today, there's nothing much in my kitchen, and it's kind of late to go to the store. My neighbor was pretty inebriated, which I didn't realize when I let him in the door, and he sat down and talked so long before he would leave. Now I'll know not to even answer the door. Maybe tomorrow I can make a fresh start, and take care of what I should be getting done. I come to the computer, or I put on the TV, and I get mesmerized looking at one screen, or the other . . . and just while away time doing nothing that I'm supposed to be doing. I seem to just want some distraction to keep me from thinking. I'm wrong to neglect things and have to make myself do what I should. That's probably the only way to feel better.

Please do take care of yourself, even if it's just something small. Your situation is an overwhelming one, so the urge to vegetate in front of a screen is pretty understandable.

Hi Rose,
So sorry you could not solve your foot problem and you feel so low. If living with him will make you happier, you should. But somebody should help you out, as you need help, as well. Somehow, there may be a time when you cultivate new friendships other than his. You know there are good people out of there. I do not know where you can take the strength from in order to reach out. I guess you already know you have to do it but I think it is hard for you right now. It is hard for me, too. As I told you last time, I think things will eventually accommodate. Perhaps this is your time to assist your bf above all. perhaps if you pay a bit more attention to yourself and split your effort between yourself and your bf you will be better and able to fully live the present moment. That may clarify if he can stay at home and will include other interested parties in the decision making process of such a decision. Beyond all this, I think we have been educated to take care of others and postpone our own needs. This is a bit dangerous sometimes and does not bring harmony to our lives. Because of the way we have been educated and the kind of reward our minds are used to, it is easy sometimes take care of others than give the proper care to ourselves. I do this all the time, and I become somebody whom people take advantage of sometimes. I felt I needed to tell you this even though it may not fit into your particular situation. I mean, I think perhaps it is fine and a good thing to do to move with your bf and/or dedicate a lot of time to him, but, watch out, it should bring joy to your life and you should not overlook your own well being. You deserve to be well and loved. I wish you the best, sorry if my comments are not appropriate

Thank you, Clara. I'll continue to spend a lot of time with him. And I'll continue to come home to my own place to try and take care of responsibilities here. I miss how he used to kind of take care of me sometimes.

I am very depressed. It tends to lift eventually.

If only it could lift until it lifts...

Thinking of you and your friend, Rose76.

Sorry to hear about all of this, Rose. I had been following on your postings about him. It must be so heartbreaking to see this happening.

I only have one good friend myself. He's 78 years old. He's doing OK but he seems to be declining. He can't see well, so he can't drive anymore. He used to drive over to my place to visit me. Not any more. He is a good friend but there are times that he can get on my nerves as he is very critical about the things I do. Sometimes it can be pretty hurtful. We've had some disagreements.

As far as family goes, I don't have much going. My parents have passed away and my two brothers & sister do not talk much. Especially lately when we do talk, there are a lot of unpleasant exchanges. I have been diagnosed with an illness and I would have thought that the family would become closer. Instead, we have grown farther apart.

I wish for the very best for you. I'll pray for you, if you don't mind. (an electronic hug from me!).

Thank you, will. I really appreciate it.