I Won't Get Better

I won't get better. I know it.

I used to see a T once or twice a week for two years before I was hospitalized for nine months because the depression only worsened. After nine months, the last one and a half of which I spent actively suicidal (three suicide attempts), I was kicked out because "it clearly wasn't working for me" according to them. So I'm in partial hospitalization now, spending each day from 8 to 5 there. I have to stop with that, too, this time voluntarily, because it's too exhausting. So I'll be back to the beginning: seeing a T twice a week and very much depressed.

Where am I supposed to get "hope" or "faith" or "belief" when I've tried everything and even the T's and Pdoc's have given/are giving up on me?

Breadfish, I kind of feel the same way. I hope there's a way out for both of us.

First off, it's important to remember that Ts and Pdocs are also just people and aren't always a good representation of of when to give up and what not. As for the trying everything part, don't worry there are still a lot of options for you in both the holistic approach and the more chemical and therapy approach. And you have to remember than healing, in the end, is built over time inside of you. Often we can't see it, and I know plenty of people who sometimes forget that even though your T is there to help be the facilitator, they cannot take the steps for you. I tend to forget this myself sometimes when I can't see a way forward.

Hope is not something you can get easily unfortunately. But I will say that as long as you are here, there will always be a way forward even when you can't see it. And with this new brain initiative coming out I feel like there will be a lot of progress to be had soon. It may feel like you'll never get better but instead of saying "I won't ever get better" say "I may not feel like I'm getting better today but there is always tomorrow." For if you give up on yourself, how can anyone else convince you there is light in a world you believe is pitch black? I've found the best way for me to keep my own hope alive is to keep dreaming of a brighter tomorrow. There is no guarantee but it really does help open yourself to possibilities that you never thought existed.

Maybe you don't believe you'll ever get better, but now is not the time to give up! Sometimes you just have to accept what comes to you and try to work around it to the best of your ability. In my case, I think I'm afraid of recovery. Happiness is so foreign and strange I don't know what it will be like. So sometimes I feel like I am in love with depression even though I am its slave. I've not exactly been recovering. It's more that I've been accepting depression and accepting my depressed self and trying to work around the depression as much as possible. I can't imagine life without it right now, but there is never a time to give up on recovery.

💀🌊⚡️

The thing that helped me was seeing what emotions are causing your behaviors. If you are attempting suicide, which is violence against your body, you are very angry. See if you can identify your anger...it took me a long time to do that. Instead of harming yourself, put that energy into changing your thoughts as keep rolling suggested. You are still seeking help so you do believe in yourself. Doctors are not giving up on you as long as you show up in therapy. Depression itself makes us believe it will never leave us...but it is a treatable illness. Keep us informed if you make any progress as well as if you need someone to listen.

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