[ElleSpencer]

Hi everyone, I am a 17 year old girl with Primarily Obsessional OCD and depression. I have quite a story, and it will probably feel great for me to get this off my chest all at once.
Everything started in the summer of 2012, when I started to have intrusive thoughts. They were the thoughts that are typical of Pure-O, but the thoughts about harming others were the thoughts that really worried me. I started seeing a CB therapist and was really really reeeeeally relieved to find that even though I was having these thoughts, that did not necessarily mean that I wanted them to happen. I learned that they were just obsessive intrusive thoughts and that I was not a dangerous person. Along with therapy, I was prescribed Prozac, beginning with 10mg and ended up with 30mg as my highest dose at the end.
A few months ago, though, I made a really foolish decision and decided to take myself off the Prozac... I sorrrrrt of tapered, but the taper only lasted a week, so I think it's safe to say that I basically stopped the Prozac cold turkey. I had developed several coping skills with the help of my CB therapist, so the obsessive/intrusive thoughts are easy for me to ignore and rationalize, but now I am having different issues and I really think they are the withdrawal symptoms I am experiencing from not being on Prozac for several months.
About a week ago I started having intrusive thoughts again, but like I said, they are easy to let go of now, even without Prozac, because I have been taught how to overcome them by myself. So those weren't a big deal. But then I began having panic attacks for no reason, and ongoing extreme anxiety for hours on end. Everyday for an entire week I have been waking up in a state of panic, knowing that something has been scaring me but not being quite sure what it was. However, as the days have gone on, I have developed an awful, awful sort of existential depression, and that is what has been bothering me most. I am constantly wondering why anything matters if I am just going to die. I can find no greater purpose in my life, and I feel like I am always walking in a separate reality, sort of like depersonalization or derealization, but not so very intense. I think these feelings may be related to a terrible fear of death that I've had since I was a child, which I will be addressing during therapy. I have started talking to my old therapist, and I am very glad to be seeing her again. I'm really grateful for everything she has helped me through. I am also due to start taking Prozac again in four days (this Wednesday, the 16th of April). I don't know exactly where I am going with this, but I hope I can get some support here as well as the help from CBT and Prozac. I will be much more consistent with the Prozac this time and only do what my psychiatrist and therapist tell me (they are in the same office). I am afraid for my future. Will my outlook on life and death ever be healthy again? Can those views be changed with the help of CBT and medication? Will the Prozac work as well the second time I start it? Am I likely to have an allergic reaction to it this time even though I did not have one last time? (That is a big worry of mine, I am allergic to soooo many different things.) I am just trying very hard to be happy and calm. I can achieve those feelings sometimes, but it is difficult. I am working hard to get to the day when I can feel stable again.

[hvert]

Yes, your views can change. I found that my views like that actually changed as I got older -- the way I thought at 24 was very different from the way I thought at 17. Your hard work will pay off, even if it sometimes it's hard to see in the moment!

[ElleSpencer]

Thank you, I am really sick of constantly having to think existentially. I feel trapped by my own views, but I am trying to acknowledge that they are irrational. It is nice to know that your views changed with time.

[Avatar10]

Welcome ElleSpencer! 💗

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nammu]

It is my understanding that allergies usually present the first time you take something. However people have been known to worry themselves into reactions if they dwell on it. So use your copping skills to reduce the worry about reactions to the meds and trust your team. It sounds like you have a superb T.

The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and you did well in the past on getting a handle on your thinking, you can do so again. It is possible things will come up in the future but again you know what you need to do to get a handle on it. You also learn from mistakes, you know now not to go off meds without the docs help. Worrying about the future will not help you today but working on your current problems will help any situations that come up later. Talk to your T about projecting your worries into the future and ask for help in living in the present. It's a skill called mindfulness. An easy idea and a hard skill to learn, but a worthwhile one.

[waterknob1234]

I did the same dumb thing summer 2013. I went off my Prozac cold turkey, not knowing I wasn't supposed to do that. At the time I was having severe stomach problems and I thought the Prozac might have been causing it. As it turns out I had a rotten gallbladder and ended up having extensive surgery to get it out as it was extremely inflamed. I had a hard time recuperating from the surgery and depression came on me full blast. You sound like you've got a handle on what's going on with you and you are actively seeking help for yourself. You'll get better. Hang in there.

[ElleSpencer]

Wow wow wow thank you for the welcomes and the replies everyone. I didn't think talking to others here could be so comforting. Thank you for the information, sidestepper. waterknob, I think you can agree with me when I say that psychomeds are not very forgiving if you leave them behind. I have been getting better, I think. I am still having the thoughts, just not very strong feelings about them. It leaves me feeling a little confused, and unsettled, but it is a little bit of recovery, I suppose.