[Rayne Selene]

I'm suicidal. I know we aren't supposed to post things like "I'm going to kill myself", but that's NOT what this is. I'm actually having a very nice, easy morning and it's giving me a lot of time to think.
Suicide is such a taboo. If I bring it up, I'm told to go to the ER (and I know that's sound advice: no criticisms), but just because I'm thinking about it doesn't mean I'm on the verge of doing it. I think about death a lot. I'm a very suicidal person. Are there other people like me? Are there places where I can talk about this? Sometimes it seems that even in mental health circles there are avoided topics, and this feels like one of them. What it feels like to think about it, why you think about it, etcetera. I have no close friends, and I could never bring this up with my family. Is it wrong that I just really want to talk and express these things that I don't understand? Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this bubble, where I can't say anything to anyone but me, and it's not that no one cares, it's that they don't have time or don't understand.

I guess this is kind of like me sending a radio signal out into the world: "I'm here, please help, is there anyone else out there? Anyone?"

Btw...I know therapy is a place to talk. But I can't afford it. I'm a flat broke college student.

[gayleggg]

Hi. I feel the same way. I think it just comes with depression. The deeper the depression the more serious it gets, but as long as I'm not in deep depression the thought still stays with me. It is always like my safety blanket if things get to hard to handle. If you want to talk more in depth you can always PM me.

[monkeybrains21]

Rayne I feel the same way. Do I tell T hell no, she'll call the police. I think about it all the time. Sometimes though I get serious and have plans and I have to be calmed and taken off the edge. My best paintings come from me at these times. I keep sharp objects away from myself at the times and paint no matter the time or anything.

I figure if it gets really bad I live 5 min from er an takes cops bout 2 min to get to my house. Do u live with someone? I think about my partner when it's bad. I don't want to traumatize her. Whenever u feel suicidal but aren't going to act on it come here go in chat, find someone on and pm them even if u don't know them. They may chat with u, if they don't mp someone else.

[Webgoji]

Pfft, I told my therapist when I was really close to doing something. So I had to sign a bunch of paperwork. How about a little help getting past it!?

And you know, the reason I was drifting toward suicide has never been brought up? Nobody has ever asked why. I guess I'm the only one that thought maybe something was wrong with my thinking.

welcome............. I hope you find some help here..... there..... anywhere

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Rayne Selene

Btw...I know therapy is a place to talk. But I can't afford it. I'm a flat broke college student.

Most colleges have counseling centers. I'm not sure if you've tried that route or not...

At any rate, though, there are a lot of helpful people on this site...

[shabur]

I tell my T and we talk about it. She determines if it's a thought or there is intent. Most of the time its just a thought.

Before my meds were figured out I was constantly suicidal. My T wanted me to be hospitalized, but I refused. She would write up a contract stating that I agreed not to cause any harm to myself. This agreement was good for a week. If I was still suicidal I would sign another agreement...and we would add sessions.

The last time I was truly suicidal, my T did call an ambulance and I did sign myself into the inpatient program. I didn't have it in me to fight it.

Talk to your school counselor. That person is there to help you.

[ToeJam]

You're not alone in having the thoughts and nor is talking about thoughts/ideations taboo here as far as I'm aware.

It can be very lonely, confusing and scary when you're unable to communicate... so please, if this is an place that you can open up, let it out and know that you'll receive understanding/advice from those that have been there/are there.

Oh and I agree with regretful... there is likely to be college counselling on site... can take a bit of digging to find them, but they should be there.

[Rayne Selene]

Hey everyone.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. Honestly, it just helps to know there are other people out there who have thought the same thing. Suicide isn't always an in-the-moment thing, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
As for the college counseling service, yes, there is one, and I've been to it. I didn't connect well with any of the counselors, and they also charge you $20 a visit. Which is really $20 I don't have.

[littlemiss44]

Keep coming back here since you can afford therapy. We're here for you. Please don't give up. You are important and so are yr feelings. I don't know what it feels like to be you but I know what it feels like to be suicidal. It's not a fun place to be. It's very lonely. I'm sorry yr struggling right now. You are an important part of the world so remember that. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to discuss these feelings with. I only have three people I could talk to but I guess I'm lucky to have them. My family doesn't give a crap. We never discuss my mental illness. I'm on ssd for it. I feel like a misfit in society but I think that comes with mi. I wish mental illness wasn't so frown upon. It is debilitating and hard to deal with. We care about you. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. I may not know you but I understand where you are. Take care of yr self.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[Altered Moment]

We are here and it is talked about a lot here. I have never seen a mod shut down a thread where we talking about it. I believe the intent is to not post if you are in imminent danger.

That last very deep depression I was in I thought about it everday. I had plans, a number of them. I told my pdoc and he never sent me to the hospital but maybe he should have. I couldn't go through with it. I kept thinking about the aftermath. Big difference between thoughts and actual plans. Thoughts can pop in a lot. Then I started praying every night that god would take me and I would wake up dead. Or that I would get some fast acting terminal disease and then everyone would understand. poor zinco he is going to die and nothing can be done about it. how sad.

[Avatar10]

Welcome, I hope you find some help here, you are not alone

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Nammu]

Are you still on your parents insurance? You might be able to find a T outside of the collage counseling center.

There are a lot of people here who struggle with this and yes, thoughts are not the same as intent. There area few threads here that have talked about how to combat the thoughts and some suggestions to let them flow without letting them consume you. Everyone has a different way of dealing with them.

Mine is to acknowledge the thoughts and then distract myself with games on my tablet, that keeps my hands and some of my mind busy. I've also used drawing, writing; just doodling and writing anything that pops up or even just a list of objects that are in the room with me. Anything really that can distract me. If it gets more serious and this doesn't work then I can use a hotline, there's phone hotlines and now online chat hotlines you can talk to someone outside of your self and get another perspective on if they are serious enough for a trip to ER or something you just needed someone to talk to without judgment.

PC here is a great place to get support. Welcome.

[waterknob1234]

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts and then upset myself for thinking that way. You are not alone. When I get suicidal thoughts I try to think of all the people I need to keep on living for, my children, my dog. It helps. Please don't give up. I am like you I can't afford therapy. My primary doctor prescribes medication. Not sure it helps. Do come back here. You can talk to me anytime. Best of wishes.