Marriage Troubles

Because of my depression and the lack of motivation (barely leaving home and just watching t.v. or being on the internet as my only activities), my husband has been saying that it's really wearing on him. Maybe this belong in the relationships section, but it's directly related to my depression so that's why I'm posting it here.

Does anyone else feel terribly guilty about how their depression is negatively impacting the happiness of their partner? He wishes I would participate in life and that we could just go skipping down the lane hand in hand (his words), but right now my depression is so bad that I'm lucky if I can get out of bed.

The surprising part is he says he absolutely doesn't want to leave me. How do you all cope with the effect your depression has on your partner? What can I say to him or do that will make it better? I'm at such a loss here and feel just terrible about it all. He wants me to be someone I'm not right now. Thanks for any thoughts . . .

I can only offer understanding, newgal2....I spent the last 4 months for the most part, in bed. Finally, 'righted' myself, but still feel shellshocked from so much time feeling nothing but numb.

I hope you're better soon. Hang in there. It will pass, eventually. It always does.

I'm glad you're feeling better, waiting4. I can only hope my depression lifts soon so I can have greater happiness and my marriage, and husband's attitude toward it, improves.

A long time ago I let my spouse know they were not responsible for healing me, that they should try not to feel pressure to "cure" something over which none of us has proper control.

I still feel guilty for putting them through this, though.

Both the wife and I are pretty much independent rather than dependant on each other... we have (had in my case in some respects) our own hobbies, interests and goals. As such my depression doesn't really impact upon her emotionally... she's too busy to really think about it.

It's hard to explain... we are very much a team in other regards (we have different strengths, she is very practical minded... I'm more of the thinker and one who deals with the annoyances that are other people; utility companies, store managers if we have a gripe)... but she is able to detach when needed, has her own group of friends or activities to keep her busy and take her mind off of things.

It's for that reason that I believe we have kept going as a couple.

Hello Newgal,
Educate him about your bipolar disorder, he may be a little more understanding about how cope with a person with depression. As for me, my husband has never understood my depression and psychosis. He has spoken to pdocs, doctors, you name it he has talked to them, but it does not sink in, and I have came to the conculsion that he never will. People can understand if you have the flu or cancer, but mental illness, that is too much for some. Best wishes, I do hope that you find your way together. Best wishes

I'm really lucky that my bf understands my illness. We've only been together for two years and the first year we were together I was even hospitalized. I really don't know what makes him so understanding...he always says he wishes he could do something to make me feel better. The one thing I've done is explain in detail about my illness. I Let him know that it's not his job to make me feel better. I explained that I never know when I'll get hypo manic or depressed...that it comes out of no where. He'll ask why I'm sad or anxious and I just tell him I don't know...he just knows that there's no explanation for it. I'd tell him it happens for no reason at all. That you have no control over it. That it has nothing to do with him. Tell him that it will pass in its own time and that you will feel better eventually. It's good that he's very committed to yr relationship. Maybe take him to yr pdoc appt or yr therapy session. I hope it gets better soon. Try my suggestions and hopefully he'll catch on that all he has to do is love you thru it. His love will help you. I tell my bf that his love is all I need during these difficult times. Good luck...let us know how it's going. We care. :-) hugs

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Thanks littlemiss. I do tell him that all I need from him is his continued support and love. He tells me he "gets" where I am with my depression, but I don't think he truly understands that sometimes you're just depressed and there's not a damn thing you can do to change it. That's where I am right now, and since he's never been there, I think in actuality he has a hard time empathizing and having patience.

Today, for example, he wanted me to help with yard work. I was out there removing leaves from the rosebushes and doing some raking but after a half hour, I was just finished. Couldn't keep focused or interested. Plus, I'm not in that good of shape and my muscles were really starting to hurt. I have fibromyalgia too, and I am always worried if I exert myself that I'll into a flare. He said whatever I could do was fine, but I wonder if he really thinks I'm just being lazy instead of depressed . . . I want to go watch t.v. now, but I feel guilty because he's outside doing yard work. Ugh!!!!!

This I can relate to. Both my T and wife have noted that I have burst of fire/determination.... but that it fizzles out pretty quickly. As such it's agreed that when helping, I do so in bursts (15 min slots)... I simply can't seem to sustain it for much longer than that, my attention wanders down the low route quite quick and I get tired very fast.

Used to infuriate my wife... but as she started to understand a bit more, she has started to accommodate and work round the limitations.

On the flip side, I do insist on helping as much as I can... it's a partnership after all and I acknowledge that to show her that 1. I appreciate her and 2. to limit any fallout due to stress (one person doing all the work)... so even when my world feels like it's crashing down, I do try to make some effort... hard going in the bad times