[opal104]

Hello to anyone who happens to be reading this. I don't really know how to begin this post or go through it without rambling, so I hope that it is somewhat coherent.

Let me begin by saying that I take relationships very seriously. I've been in my current relationship for a little over 8 months now. In the beginning, as with most everyone's relationships, it was sweet, exciting, and I believed that this relationship would be different from the others. I felt that he was an understanding individual and willing to work through problems, no matter how difficult it may be.

It was barely two months into our relationship until we began to argue; but I figured that happens to most, if not all, relationships and didn't find it unusual. At times we would argue at least a couple of times a week. It would occur less frequently and I thought that it was because our communication was improving. After that period it started to become commonplace again, and back-and-forth it would go. Right now we're in one of those ruts where we've been arguing more than we ought, I think.

Although I have said and done things I shouldn't, I've noticed several things that he does or says that hurts me. I admit that I have a tendency to drag out arguments and feel the need to have "the last say" - as he has pointed out many times. This tendency is usually met with hostility and impatience; and I can understand. It hurts, however, because he never wants to "talk about it" and just wants to "drop it," so whenever I try and fix what makes us angry (so it doesn't happen over and over) he has no interest engaging in discussion.

I'm not going to go into detail about what past arguments have been about, but it's important for me to note that at least half of them have been because I'm overly sensitive. Whenever he says something hurtful, though he may be unaware that it is, I try and tell myself that it's an irrational thought. I do my best to not bring it up and tell him how much it hurts though, because I'm afraid it will only make him angry and give him a chance to reinforce how stupid of a thought it is.

I feel that our relationship has reached a breaking point. I'm afraid that it's beyond fixing. I'm afraid of feeling like all of my relationships are failures, again. I'm afraid that another failed relationship will take a toll on future relationships.

Almost every day I battle with depression. I was diagnosed with depression at 18, but I know that I've been struggling with it for much longer. Just recently I was diagnosed even further with Major Depressive Disorder. I've been to three different therapists, each at different points of time, and have been prescribed two different anti-depressants as well as Ambien (zolpidem tartrate). My struggles include feelings of diminished self-worth, loss of interest in life, low energy, fatigue (needing 12+ hours of sleep day), sleep disturbances throughout the night (which is why I was prescribed a sleep aid), suicidal thoughts and past attempts, extreme difficulty concentrating and making decisions, feeling hopeless and empty. Sometimes I feel so depressed that I lay awake in bed but have no motivation to get up, bathe, eat, or even interact with others. I wrestle with this disease every hour of every day.

Even though I may not feel like smiling or joking, I do it any way for the sake of those I love. Others struggling with depression understand, right? Some days are harder than others though, which is true for everyone, I think. These past few weeks have proven especially true to this point. Obviously things haven't been so smooth with my boyfriend, but the stress of graduating from college soon and other factors have been weighing on me.

Anyway, I had to seriously question the relationship between my boyfriend and me today after an argument. I don't know why, but today made me realize how hurtful he can be. Again, I admit that I don't know when to just stop talking or how to drop an argument gracefully sometimes. He doesn't know how to get me to stop either and he claimed that his "last resort" was to say something hurtful. Today it was "Shut the f*** up" and other times have been just as harsh. Even though he disagrees, he also threatens to break up with me almost every other argument. I can't say I blame him, but it hurts that he says it just to, well, hurt me. He's also said things like, "You don't know what it's like because you've been a spoiled brat your whole life" and "Sometimes the only reason why I don't break up with you is because I'm afraid you're going to ruin my life."

The most hurtful things that he aims at me involves my depression. He has known since the first month (at least) of our relationship that I have battled depression. He tells me that I'm too sensitive, too emotional, too irrational, lazy, almost always in a bad mood, and that I can control my depression because I'm "aware that I'm depressed." I always try and explain to him that depression is a disease and not a choice. It doesn't have an "on and off switch." A few times I had gotten so frustrated that I told him he can't fully comprehend depression because he has never had depression (in a clinical sense.) His argument is that if he were to talk to a doctor that he would probably be diagnosed with at least mild depression. Although I want to be sympathetic and say that he would, deep down I honestly don't think he would. I strongly feel that depression is a disease that can only be understood by those who are afflicted by it. Others may be able to empathize, but they will never understand. It felt horrible the other day too when he told me "I'll talk to you later after you've taken your medicine." I wasn't in a talkative mood, as I told him outright, and he got upset because I wasn't engaging in lengthy conversation. I was really trying to get over the hump of depression and making my best attempt at talking, but it just wasn't working and didn't feel genuine.

I don't have a clear-cut question to ask, but I suppose I want to know if anyone has a suggestion about what I should do. I love him but sometimes he can say and do things that really hurt me - my shadow of depression hasn't helped much either. In no way am I blaming this failing relationship solely on him either. Right now I feel very alone, afraid, hurt, and misunderstood.

If you have any questions, which I hope you do, please feel free to ask. I'm receptive to any encouragement, support, or help that may be given. Please, though, and I ask this respectfully, don't suggest anything as basic as "write in a diary." Remember, I've been struggling with this for several years of my life and have gone to at least three different therapists. Trust me, I've tried everything from exercising, eating right, hang out with friends to keeping track of my negative thoughts and restructuring them to something more positive and constructive.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Opal104. Congratulations on making it through college despite the depression!

Your post-college conditions of life may change greatly and you with them. It is possible, though, you may have to treat depression as a long-term life feature.

Others can address your relationship, but I believe you cannot avoid evaluating that relationship in light of the experience of persistent depression.

Please keep posting.

[healingme4me]

Though you have depression, the things being said, i.e., 'ill talk to you, after you've taken your medicine', are borderline cruel, at best. This depression forum many can help and at least be supportive. Have checked out the relationship and communication forum? Even copy/paste this....
Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[opal104]

Rohag and healingme4me, thank you for your support and encouragement. I can't tell you how much it means to get this from complete strangers.

Rohag, thank you for the congratulations. I can't quite believe that it's happening yet, but it's good to know that it's finally reached its end after six years. I realize that depression will continue to be a long-term feature of my life, but I hope that it doesn't continue to be as difficult as it has been for the past several weeks. Again, thank you, and I'll continue to post as things develop; it may be sporadically, but I hope to do this.

healingme4me, thank you for taking the time to read my (ridiculously) long post. I'm happy that you put in your thoughts about the things he says to me at times. I was beginning to think that maybe I was being too sensitive, so it's nice to know that my feelings are valid. I'll take your advice and possibly re-post this in the Relationship and Communication forum.

I hope that the both of you continue to spread your encouragement. Sometimes it may mean more than you know or that someone else lets on. Anyway, hugs to the both of you!

[opal104]

Hello again, after the fight I wrote about in the first post, I considered moving out. I wasn't going to break up with him, but I felt that maybe taking a step back could help us to move forward. I realize that moving out is a big step backward. When I discussed the idea with my boyfriend a couple of days later (today) he immediately responded by telling me that if I moved out we might as well call it quits. He claimed that if I moved out it would make things worse. When I tried explaining my reasoning to him I felt like he was shutting me out and letting me speak for the sake of letting me speak. I don't want to take the risk in case he seriously will break up with me if I move out.

After leaving the topic lay and not arguing with him anymore, he confronted me later and asked something along the lines of (and I'm not paraphrasing to making it sound like I want, I just can't remember his question verbatim and don't want to say that it was his exact words) "Is there something wrong? You've been kind of depressed since I got home." He was indeed away for a day and a night. I told him out right that I was stressed from thinking about how to make our relationship better and the pressure of graduating next month. He told me that my happiness affects his happiness. I understand completely, but I told him that his day shouldn't be ruined just because I'm having a bad day. I told him that I understood. I get a little sad if I notice that he's sad and ask him, too, what's wrong; but he needs to understand that I'm stressed. When he talks to me I make sure to answer him and tell him what I can. I'll do my best to think of things to talk about too. When I'm stressed or depressed I admit that I don't talk as much as I do when I'm happy, but most people are like that, right? I even went out and bought him dinner when I was out even though he didn't want to go with me. When I got home I gave him his food and asked him if he was going to be on the computer for a while. He told me that he wasn't, but he ended up sitting in front of his computer for a couple of hours instead of joining me in the living room.

Anyway, I'm just tired of not being heard. I'm sure he could say the same about me, but I feel like he is very stuck on his own opinions and is very close-minded when I try to give him my perspective. I've come to the revelation that I don't have to make it my mission to make him understand my side every time, but it's very frustrating when I feel like he's not even listening.