[DogTired]

I'm dreading Mother's Day. I want to stay in bed all day with the curtain closed and just be alone but not sure it's a good idea to behave that way in front of my kids. Their expectation is that I'll be ready to have some fun and hang out, but fun isn't something I'm capable of any more, it seems. I am sick of going through the motions, basically pretending that I'm ok in order to suit other peoples' needs. It's exhausting. I'm not ok, not having fun, not feeling like doing ANYTHING but curling up in a ball indefinitely. Ugh. I can behave like a hermit when they're at school during the days or in the evenings when they're doing homework, but not on weekends. By Monday I'm always exhausted and overwhelmed from having to behave "normally" during the weekend so they don't know how depressed I am. And what the heck am I going to do this summer?? I'm dreading not being alone, not having solitude for at least a few hours each day. I love my kids, but I just want to be alone and keep my sad self away from them so they don't suffer as a result of being around my depressed self. How do depressed people with kids protect them from seeing a depressed parent? As someone whose mom was depressed/anorexic/addicted to pain killers, I suffered tremendously from decades of watching her self-destruct. How do I make sure my kids don't go through the same thing with me? They're old enough to notice when I'm sad and they try to make me feel better but I don't want to put them in the position of worrying about me or of feeling like it's on them to make me feel better. I feel awful and I don't know what to do. Mother's Day is upon us and I'm feeling absolutely miserable.

[perseverance11]

Originally Posted by DogTired

I'm dreading Mother's Day. I want to stay in bed all day with the curtain closed and just be alone but not sure it's a good idea to behave that way in front of my kids. Their expectation is that I'll be ready to have some fun and hang out, but fun isn't something I'm capable of any more, it seems. I am sick of going through the motions, basically pretending that I'm ok in order to suit other peoples' needs. It's exhausting. I'm not ok, not having fun, not feeling like doing ANYTHING but curling up in a ball indefinitely. Ugh. I can behave like a hermit when they're at school during the days or in the evenings when they're doing homework, but not on weekends. By Monday I'm always exhausted and overwhelmed from having to behave "normally" during the weekend so they don't know how depressed I am. And what the heck am I going to do this summer?? I'm dreading not being alone, not having solitude for at least a few hours each day. I love my kids, but I just want to be alone and keep my sad self away from them so they don't suffer as a result of being around my depressed self. How do depressed people with kids protect them from seeing a depressed parent? As someone whose mom was depressed/anorexic/addicted to pain killers, I suffered tremendously from decades of watching her self-destruct. How do I make sure my kids don't go through the same thing with me? They're old enough to notice when I'm sad and they try to make me feel better but I don't want to put them in the position of worrying about me or of feeling like it's on them to make me feel better. I feel awful and I don't know what to do. Mother's Day is upon us and I'm feeling absolutely miserable.

Hello,

I think you should have a conversation with your kids to talk about that.

How old are they?

[ImNotHere]

Are you in therapy or on medication? That should be the first step, i know it is a hard step to take, but it could really help you. If you want to make sure your kids don't go through the same thing as you went through then you need to get help so you can improve how you feel and that will help you enjoy being a mother again, because these years will be gone.

I don't really suggest talking to them about how you feel just yet, not until you have talked to someone professionally, and depending on how old they are they may not fully understand. It isn't there job to have to worry about this or deal with this, so they shouldn't have to change or have to worry too much. One thing you don't want is to explain you are depressed or sad and they blame themselves. I did this a lot as a child when my parents were upset. Which is why I suggest talking to someone first about how to approach this, or maybe family therapy and individual therapy, or have you done that?

[DogTired]

I have had therapy in the past, before having children. That was about 20 years ago, and since then I've managed my depression fairly well. Now my kids are 14, 12, and 9 and I'm having a bad bout of depression again. I've been on Welbutrin for many years (Zoloft before that) and it doesn't seem to be helping in the least anymore. I've scheduled an appt with a new therapist but couldn't get in until June, so in the meantime I'm putting on an Oscar-worthy job of looking "normal." In this state, I'm also skeptical that therapy and/or new meds will help but I will try for my kids' sake and give them a chance. I'm dreading starting with a new therapist. My experience is that it takes several visits (half dozen or more) for them to really start helping me and in the meantime it's really frustrating. Maybe this time will be different...guess I don't have much to lose in trying. But in the meantime I'm pretty darned miserable.

[ImNotHere]

You can't get a different therapist sooner? Therapist cannot prescribe medications so are you seeing a doctor or psychiatrist about changing medication as well? Since that isn't helping anymore? I know it is never fun to start this but it is really important to do this for yourself and your children. It does take several visits to start helping and it takes a lot of effort on your part, you have to really put everything into it or it may not work.

[Writerley]

Thank you for sharing this. This is my story, this is my script. There is something very powerful when you realize you are not alone. This remarkable honesty is not some story you can share with anyone. If you have not suffered through depression, you simply will not be able to digest or relate with your story. Depression is a very lonely place.

Mother's Day is an annoying Holiday. My mother died when I was 3 and every Mother's Day I would go with my dad to the cemetery, we would place flowers by the grave, say a Hail Mary then go home.



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[DogTired]

ImNotHere, the person I'm scheduled to see is a psychologist who will be able to prescribe new meds and also provide psychotherapy. As a "new patient" it's hard to get an appointment right away, which doesn't make any sense but that seems to be how it is. Thanks for the encouragement to give it a good try. I'll try to give it a good try.

Writerley, your Mother's Day tradition sounds absolutely soul-crushing. I'm sorry. My mom died when I was 36, although her mental health was shot since I was about 10. The 26 years it took for her to gradually and completely self-destruct of course had a huge impact on me, and now with my own health problems (chronic pain, migraines, depression) I worry that I'll do to my kids what she did to me - slowly waste away in front of them. It is a lonely place to be, and I feel scared in being able to identify with my mom in that regard. She was depressed and isolated herself and I find myself going in that direction too. I need to find a way to deal with my physical and mental pain so that I can be a mom whose legacy is strong, happy children. Easier said than done...hard not to feel as though self-destructing is a destiny that I can't escape. It is a lonely process and I'm glad I've found this site where even if people haven't had the same life experiences, they still really understand how I feel in this dark place.

[Writerley]

DogTired (I love that name) Mother's Day wasn't soul/crushing, it was just my reality. and, I understood on some that it was important to him. My dad was very committed to me and took great pride in being both a mother and a father to me. He was an admirable man.

Regarding your children - I was always open and honest with my son. I never wanted him to feel that he was responsible for my sadness. I was pretty high functioning around him and I am great at masking the sadness. I was very fortunate to have a good Psychiatrist who knew how to listen and also provided the proper meds.

Let me say this, do not walk this road alone - connect with a good therapist. Last point...you are not your mother, forge a separate identity, you don't want history to repeat it's self.

I wish you the best.






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[Sophie0126]

You might be able to talk to your 14 y/o, since your kids are already picking up on signals that something is not "right" with mom. Is your partner around to help support you on this Mother's Day? Perhaps you could wish for a sleep in kind of morning, then let the kids do what they need to do to show you how much they love you. Wish for the quiet day. Sometimes you have to be vocal and tell people- even your kids, what you really want (of course, with some tempering).
You know all too well, what it felt like with your own mom.
Hoping you get what you wish for tomorrow.

[signets]

Here is a hug for you...You can do this. Being a mother and suffering from depression I understand. You can and will make it.. I pray that you have peace and comfort.