Severe grief related to mental illness

I just joined this group to support my recovery. I'm doing so well, for the first time I feel like the height of 'schizophrenia' is over. I have done some metaphysical exploration over the last seven years, four of them with my current boyfriend, who's stuck by me despite four hospitalizations and alot of mental behavior. I have soooo much grief and fear pertaining to keeping my new job, getting a car, an apartment, paying child support and rent, keeping my boyfriend, our future, and time I haven't spent with my daughter when she's been here. I have a lot of self esteem and a lot of motivation and interests but on the other hand, its like half my personality doesn't have much self esteem. It feels like a hidden part of me hates me for all this, but despite that, I've come a long way since the last hospitalization. They put me in a partial program for the first time, and for two weeks I practiced socializing and learned a lot about myself and people. Unlike other times I've taken meds, I was willing to try it. But it completely depressed me by taking away my emotions, and I feel like I can only get through this isolating time of my life by using my emotions as fuel, no matter what they are. In this way, I've felt a lot of pain, mostly at night in bed, 'absorbing' depressive feelings. I say that cause rather than cry or feel ovewhelmed by it, I feel like I'm dealing with it, even though its extremely painful. I also have some major dread waking up in the morning, it feels like a nightmare. I'd love to find a friend or two here to start, maybe if you're interested in my story or share an interest or experience. I'm all about getting out there now and supporting people in my life. I'm trying to structure with healthy things and events my life despite being mostly stuck at my parents house in the country. Grief is something I haven't really explored much online and I would love to talk to anyone who's had experience dealing with it now or before. I have fun during the day and I won't take medicine just to overcome these bedtime feelings, but any advice for dealing with them would be great.

I have the morning dread, too. I would love to find a way to diffuse it.

Hello Sparking1, welcome to Psych Central and the depression forum.

You are a survivor and I can read the positivity in your post. They do say that depression has a lot to do with grief and anger that gets locked away as sadness. You are amongst people that understand here, keep sharing.

Thank you both for responding. Glad to hear the information, Pegasus. Undead Mage, I feel like I'm either being f*cked with or I really am dispelling the depression with each wave of sadness that washes over me and out. Do you feel like that? Its different this time than the lull of depression in the past. I also fear that everything I'm finally getting some relief in is just a tease and I'll just get older and more lonelier. Its a fear that I'll never know success, like its been ingrained in me.