I Have No Interest in the Variety of Life

For me, life has lately become a test of survival, no more, no less. I just need food to sustain my body, shelter to protect me from the elements, and love to keep me calm and give me social sustenance.

I've always viewed this as a very humble way of living- I don't need anything else from the universe besides what is willing to be provided. Perhaps, I'm not willing to dance through hoops of fire to get the money for the finer things in life. So maybe money is to blame- when I'm so concerned about making enough money to eat, "luxury" is hardly on the agenda.

I don't think I'm at the point of "zen" either. The truly zen spiritual teachers claim that they can take pleasure in any circumstance....any job. However, I could not see myself working at McDonald's or even having a reasonable job in a restaurant without being totally miserable. Even a job at a bookstore seems anything but ideal (though much more tolerable to the point that I "could" do it) There's always been a bit of guilt there that society imposes on me, because some people are willing to do this kind of work, when I am not. Society places the guilt on us that if we don't work, then we're lazy sacks of crap. I feel blessed to have my parents supporting me, but if they were not, would I choose to be a hobo?

To lay this all out from a more personal perspective, I have a plan to teach abroad in the next few months. I've traveled a lot before, so it's nothing truly new to me. (Maybe I'll feel more invigorated when I get there). But I'm not really excited when I should be- I've become so numb to life that I don't feel much of anything. At best, the excitement comes out in small spurts. Rather, traveling to teach feels like a means to an end- something I had to do because I had no better options. I don't want to socialize much when I get there- I just want to be at peace, live life like I live it in the States- without much attention being drawn to anything.

Yet, I will take a lot of pride in being an international teacher. People are naturally impressed by the notion- and girls become more interested in me. Which is great for me. I've never wanted to be the type to be viewed as doing something "special", I just want to do what works for me. Yet, I also enjoy when people take interest. I just don't want to be conceited about it.

Perhaps, this really is depression, but I'd rather view it as being humble.

Thanks for the support.

At the root of it, I'm mostly heartbroken about everything. Regarding both my individual circumstances as well as worldly circumstances.

Individually:

- I have a massive heartbreak from my "ex" that still lingers even now, and whenever I start up a new relationship, it doesn't seem to go anywhere. I miss the feeling of being loved and cared for, and giving that feeling in return- I crave it...as selfish as it sounds, friends and family aren't enough to satisfy my urge for a lover.

- My job situation and source of identity have been fragmented for so long now that I don't know what to think, what to feel, what is right, what is wrong. I only have a clouded sense of intuition that guides me. Even with this teach abroad opportunity coming up, I'm still living in fear of poverty, even when it is kind of absurd to think that way.

- My sleeping disorder continues to suck- that's life

Worldly:

- My problems are insignificant compared to those of the people around me...whom I could have easily been in their shoes. Maybe not insignificant, as I've had my share, but my problems pale compared to an iPhone worker in China, a Holocaust victim, or starving child in Africa. Pollution levels are off the charts- it is the cause of people getting sick and dying, and some of them aren't even aware of it. Where is the hope for those people?

That's why when people view traveling as this exotic affair- I agree to an extent- I love traveling, it really opens the mind, but, there are so many people suffering in each magical place I visit. That's why I can never be conceited about travel, I always go for the bare minimum. How can I travel in "luxury" when there's a hotel worker making my bed to put food on his table?