[catastrophic]

So, some days are good - other days really bad...

Most of the time I can hide my depression really well, I function great at work - I come home and do the mummy things, I get through each day... Most people don't even know about the thoughts that go through my head... My partner has trouble understanding it, tells me it's something I should get over I have no reason to be sad... Which I guess is true - I have a fantastic job,fabulous kids,partner,home, friends, family - I have everything a person wants - yet I feel like I'm dying inside.

I try so hard to just 'get on with life' ignore what I am feeling, it works for the most part - but then I end up in a ball of tears, having suicidal thoughts, there is this road that I travel daily I know if I take it to fast I wouldn't survive,when my thoughts are at it's worse I find I drive faster around it just to push my limits...

I have been on medication for a year - it was just after my miscarriage and during the separation of my partner (we are now back together) things got to a point where I ended up bawling in my doctors office telling her I didn't want to live, she got me the help I needed... I see a psychologist - she's helped a lot, but I feel like I a just not getting as far as I should.

I try really hard to just pretend to be fine, it's at night time and during my psych sessions that I break down, then I suck it all back up and go about life,I'm sick of sucking it up - I'm sick of pretending I don't want to feel like I'm dying inside anymore, I sometimes wish that I would just die so that I wouldn't feel this - but then my thoughts go to me children and how much that would hurt them - I would much rather me feel every bit of hurt and pain then them...

Life is hard - living with this makes it harder

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[Blitter2014]

It sounds like you are going through a really rough time...not just now, but over the last 12 months. You have done a good thing coming here, there are many threads and many people who are willing to share what they know works for them and willing to open up and show they care....allbe it via hugs friendship and chat.

I have bipolar....and can relate to the outside facade of my life is great I have everything I want while inside your having a mental battle beteeen the forces of good "whats wrong, you have eveyrhing you want" and evil " I Don't want to die but I cant keep this up any longer". Its a terrible debilitating way to exist.

Can I suggest talking with you T or pdoc and telling thwm exacly how it is? It may be your not on the right meds, it might be tou need more therapy, but talking and acknowledging the problem is still there will help. But dont give up. If you were dying and could trade your job or house or money for an extra few years of life. ....Would you? Most would. It should be no different with what is on the negotiating table to keep your mental health and thereby not end it all. Does hubby realize just how bad it is? Can he get some therapy as a supportive carer? Can you get some info from your T to five to him?

Whatever you do.....dont give up on yourself or you family....all else is up for negotiations. But negotiate befor e it all comes crashing down... better to unstack the shelf than let it fall.



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[Piraeus]

Hi Catastrophic. I understand what it's like to hide your feelings. I do the same thing. I just don't want to burden anyone with my emotions. I'm trying something new. I read a book long ago about self hypnosis. So far I have cut it to half with my cigarette smoking. It's easy to put your self under. Just make sure you make a key word to get back out. Maybe you can try it. It takes practice, but it is well worth the effort.

One other thing you might try is stand up comedy. I bought a 5 disk set of Dane Cook.
He is so funny. Even if I just chuckle, it sets the mood for the day. Best wishes to you and yours.

Piraeus

[catastrophic]

I'm not coping very well tonight.

T wants me to write a timeline of my life. I've had the migraines in three days that are not going away.

Tonight sucks

[kjv2acts]

Migraines that don't go away...I' m with you. I still have them, but let me tell you my story:
I was 30-something with a thriving marriage, successful business, 2 kids and 3 step-kids; very busy and happy. I'd had migraines since I was a child, but one day I got a migraine that never went away. I did what I could by degrees, and over time what I used to call a "10" became a "5". I checked my children's homework with a flashlight, cooked in the dark and pretended I was okay for three years until I just couldn't do it anymore. I went to bed and rarely got up. I got a housekeeper and the older children helped the younger ones with anything I could not do from my dark bedroom. My husband divorced me, took my step-daughters away, and my girls and I ended up in an apartment where for two years, I sat in constant pain and drowning in sorrow.

Eventually, I had to get out of my room. I got a good job, but I missed so many days I was fired. With my last month of insurance, I was hospitalized. My MD had migraines too, and he medicated me for two weeks with pain killers and experimental therapies He ran bags of liquid Nexium down my throat to repair the damage to my esophagus from vomiting. I worked for a while, then couldn't anymore. Meanwhile a man I had met at my first job was courting me. He knew exactly how sick I was and he wanted to take care of me. I spent seven more years in the dark, then shattered my foot, ankle and leg in a freak accident. a year ago yesterday. I underwent three surgeries, general anesthesia three times in one week. I came home on Vicodan. Here's my point: As I decreased the Vicodan, I realized my head was better. Maybe all the anesthesia tripped something in my vessels (that is my surgeon's theory). Maybe I outgrew it like my mother did. Or maybe God decided enough was enough. Somehow, the daily pain WENT AWAY. I still get them sometimes, but I know what to do and my husband is so supportive.

Courage, Cat. It can get better and pain pills are really not the answer. I became tolerant and took more and more, which just resulted in rebound headaches.

I wish you well and encourage you to keep talking, keep posting. Just typing all this out has upgraded my mood this morning. I will pray for you, Cat. Love...