[ToeJam]

Sent an email to my T on Friday. She had asked me to do so at least once a week. One I sent was hard to write, almost deleted… but bit the bullet and pressed send. Mentioned si (a recent development), embarrassment at the doctors, anxiety over a trip to see a friend… was quite raw.

No reply

Kept checking on my phone as the weekend progressed, the wife helpfully put perspective on it “it’s the weekend, she’s probably on holiday etc”… so I’ve done my best to just try to keep going.

Sent a text this morning… heavily defusing, saying I totally respect out of work priorities etc… just wondering if she’d seen it and could she just send a small acknowledgement… anything to just give me closure.

Still nothing.

In a bit of a panic tbh… trying to put perspective on it – could be she is actually abroad, no access… something horrible could have happened… the latter has me worried… I do care about her.

There is that other side though that is telling me she is just ignoring me or is disgusted with me… and whatever negative self-hate labels I can throw down.

Starting to hate talking, typing, sharing… leaves me a bit vulnerable and also makes me angry at myself.

Had told very basic info (I thought in confidence) to a work friend (also my supervisor) on Thursday and he admitted to giving a brief synopsis to our manager… was hurt and upset. He explained that work needs to know these things, that they have a duty to be aware for purpose of support and such like… makes some sense… but they wouldn’t know **** if I didn’t open my mouth and I'm annoyed to find out post event.

edit: Company wide email just went round informing us that redundancies will be happening next week.

gets better and better

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( TJ ))))))))

Sorry your T hasn't got back to you yet. Maybe she is just setting aside one day a week to respond to work emails and stuff? I'm sure nothing bad has happened to her, and it won't be that she is thinking badly of you.

I felt much the same at work when certain people were told about what is going on for me. I'm just resigned to the fact that it happens now and will keep on happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even keep my mouth shut because my manager is my bf's dad so obviously everything gets back to him.

Sorry about the redundancy email warning, that sucks! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it won't affect you

How was your weekend with your friend? I hope it went ok and you had a nice time

hang in there TJ

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

Sorry your T hasn't got back to you yet. Maybe she is just setting aside one day a week to respond to work emails and stuff? I'm sure nothing bad has happened to her, and it won't be that she is thinking badly of you.

I felt much the same at work when certain people were told about what is going on for me. I'm just resigned to the fact that it happens now and will keep on happening and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't even keep my mouth shut because my manager is my bf's dad so obviously everything gets back to him.

Sorry about the redundancy email warning, that sucks! I'll keep my fingers crossed that it won't affect you

How was your weekend with your friend? I hope it went ok and you had a nice time

Thank you.

RE: redundancy, we'll find out who's for the chop next week (ironically I had booked next week off as holiday... thinking of cancelling). Trying to not worry about it... but yeah, got a lot of debt and to lose my job... yeah concerned. Worried about how 'employable' I am in looking for something else - can't really brush mh under the carpet while I'm in a bad relapse... what with gp records and my own ability to concentrate.

Could be a blessing in disguise.. wife had gently spoken to me last week about going part time... she's worried that I'm wearing myself down too much with full time work and that is exasperating issues. Had been resolute in saying no... but (I don't believe in cosmic intervention) this could be the forcing factor that in turn helps.

As for my T... yeah perhaps. The above has pretty much refocused my attention quite dramatically (odd that ). Upset that I still haven't heard anything... but meh, not much I can do about it... won't send anymore texts or emails as that will look like whining and I can't be ****ed with that.

RE: weekend away... hard work lol. He is quite a quiet bloke so lots of lapses in conversation while I desperately reached for 'topic friendly' things to talk about. Was exhausted by the time I was on the way home yesterday.

We did go for a nice walk around Rutland Water... took some decent photo's.

My favourite... kinda like landscapes rather than people... see enough of those everyday, don't want photo's of em too hehe:

[Pierro]

You have a lot going on in your life at the moment that is not helping your MH at the moment. Unfortunately that is life. I hope you dont loose your job but its hard not to think about it.When I was at my worst last year I would hang on to my therapist's every word in the hope that she would shed some glimmer of hope on the dire situation I was in. I was not able to function at all. Looking back at it I was hoping that she would magically "Fix" me. I am not saying that you are like me but we do live in hope don't we.

[ToeJam]

She just text me, apologised as she had opened the email but must have got distracted. Has said she'll reply properly today.

I can understand how it might be seen as a blessing in disguise, I feel like I should be part time too sometimes ...pretty much atm but I still have very full days going to group therapy every day!

Glad you heard back from your T, thats good, you can stop worrying about that now

That photo is really beautiful! Looks like a very nice calming place to be

[gayleggg]

Love the photo. Thanks for sharing. It looks like a beautiful place to be.

Glad you heard from your therapist. Everybody makes mistakes.

Good luck at the job.

[Frankbtl]

Hi TJ, It must have been an unnerving time not having heard back from your T but glad she got back and hoping her reply will be helpful.
I can see how you might have felt disappointed, betrayed (?) when your supervisor mentioned what you told them to your manager. But it really isn't unimaginable that they may have wanted some advise/backup as well, in giving you any support you needed to help you in carrying on with your job if they were worrying you might struggle with what you're going through in the picture.
But with the redundancies, yes you could be right with, the could be a "blessing in disguise". Excellent attitude in putting the concerns to one side!! Afterall you can only do so much, and what happens happens, you can still make it work for you. And the main focus is/should be you right now, and rightfully so!!
Alison

[ToeJam]

Well my T emailed me this evening and put a lot of my worries, panic and stress over the one I sent prior to rest (big sigh of relief). Has asked me to email her again prior to our next session so will probably do so closer to end of week.

Spoke to wife tonight and she thinks that this could be the best time to actually suggest to work about me going part time... would be cutting costs for them and could save my job in the long run. I'll have an informal chat with my boss tomorrow (FD and one of the primary peops who decides who is going).

Wife seems to think we'll manage, though yes we'll have to tighten our belts... she wants to encourage my attempt at writing and thinks this would be a good opportunity for that too. Kinda lucky in a way as she is the bigger earner of the two of us anyway (pretty much double my salary) so... yeah, it could work.

[ToeJam]

Well, spoke to my boss this morning. Advised him that I’d be happier to go part time rather than lose my job entirely and just had a general chat (he’s a friendly guy and is happy to talk the **** as it were).

Said that he’d definitely take it into consideration and asked a number of questions which gave me the impression he was taking it seriously.

Buck doesn’t stop with him on the overall decision… but it gave me some piece of mind.

Said that I should still take my holiday as I’ll be in on Monday and he should have an answer for me by then.

I'm glad you had the chat with your boss and it went ok. Hopefully it will work out

Glad your T helped too!