[Chameleon33]

I'm so depressed, for so many reasons and the fact that I'm depressed makes me even more depressed. I can't to things that I want to do because I'm too depressed to be able to do it. I'm so depressed that I don't know who I am. Nothing makes me happy, nothing give me hope. I can feel it physically, it feels heavy and empty, it's heavy to breathe and it makes me feel tired, and where my heart should be (it is there but it feels like it's not) it's cold like if it's an empty cold space. And I can't feel my heart beating and I have a feeling it's beating very slow, and that's what makes me so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up happy, and sometimes that kind of happens, I wake up and feel really okay. But I can't go to sleep, I think about a lot and get panic and cry. I'm not always depressed, but I have a lot of reasons to be and a very few reasons not to be. And I guess that if someone reads this, you'll probably think that therapy is a good idea, but for several reasons it's not a good idea for me. I guess I just wanted to write about this, to try to distract myself a bit. And maybe someone else here have ever felt the same way, so depressed that you can feel it physically. I'd really don't mind some support from someone. And I hope that if someone reads this you're feeling better than me, I really don't want anyone to feel this bad.

[HuxleysParadox]

I never was into therapy. I've tried it and they always give me this PTSD crap that makes no sense. I'm a do it yourselfer.. although that doesn't seem to be working either...Comming onto here and venting has helped me though. Remember you are not alone and we here understand what you are feeling.

Originally Posted by Chameleon33

I'm so depressed, for so many reasons and the fact that I'm depressed makes me even more depressed. I can't to things that I want to do because I'm too depressed to be able to do it. I'm so depressed that I don't know who I am. Nothing makes me happy, nothing give me hope. I can feel it physically, it feels heavy and empty, it's heavy to breathe and it makes me feel tired, and where my heart should be (it is there but it feels like it's not) it's cold like if it's an empty cold space. And I can't feel my heart beating and I have a feeling it's beating very slow, and that's what makes me so tired. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up happy, and sometimes that kind of happens, I wake up and feel really okay. But I can't go to sleep, I think about a lot and get panic and cry. I'm not always depressed, but I have a lot of reasons to be and a very few reasons not to be. And I guess that if someone reads this, you'll probably think that therapy is a good idea, but for several reasons it's not a good idea for me. I guess I just wanted to write about this, to try to distract myself a bit. And maybe someone else here have ever felt the same way, so depressed that you can feel it physically. I'd really don't mind some support from someone. And I hope that if someone reads this you're feeling better than me, I really don't want anyone to feel this bad.

Okay Chameleon... now look... (this is where I lecture you) the bottom line here is that only you can pull yourself out of this. Others can help. But you have to start the ball rolling, so to speak. I read another post a few minutes ago where the writer said he really believes that sometimes complete surrender is the best option. And, I would agree with this up to a point. But sooner or later, in this world, you have to get back up & move along.

I know you don't want to do therapy. And that's fine. I haven't found it useful either. And right now, perhaps where your head is at, complete surrender isn't a bad idea... for a while. You can get right down into that darkness & experience its depth. But, sooner or later, you're going to have to climb back out. Perhaps, after a while, you'll even want to climb back out... hopefully. Unfortunately the longer you stay down there, the harder it will be to climb back out. So I would urge you to think about what you'll use for a ladder.

[Chameleon33]

Thank you both for your support.
One problem is that everytime I try to climb up like you said, it's like I always fall down again, so I'm a bit scared of working a lot to feel okay and fall down, it really is like the higher I climb the harder I'll hit the ground next time I fall.

Originally Posted by Chameleon33

Thank you both for your support.
One problem is that everytime I try to climb up like you said, it's like I always fall down again, so I'm a bit scared of working a lot to feel okay and fall down, it really is like the higher I climb the harder I'll hit the ground next time I fall.

Yes, I know. But what's the alternative... staying down at the bottom of the pit? It's like the saying goes... get knocked down 7 times... get back up 8...

[Idiot17]

((((chameleon)))))

[waterknob1234]

Hi Chameleon, I think I know how you feel. I believe it is my depression causing my migraines, arthritis, and other weird physical problems. Depression feels like being in a black hole. On some level you have to fight it but there are also times you get tired of fighting. I will start therapy next week but due to the expense of it I doubt I will stay with it for very long. Keep posting to us and know that we care.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( chameleon )))))))))

[Chameleon33]

Thank you all for your support and advice. I don't know how to get out of this depression, it seems like it has no end

[lizzyjb]

You can't climb a mountain in a jump. You have to do it step by step. First do one thing you like. Enjoy with it. And then do another. Just step by step. Hugs

[Chameleon33]

Very good advice and support from all of you, thank you so much. I know I have to take it step by step, but it feels so hopeless sometimes. It's like I work so much for nothing because then when I'm almost happy, I fall down again and I'm so scared of falling again.

[Altered Moment]

I am the one that said total surrender is a part of the solution. I had to clarify that later in the thread. To me it means admitting that you are powerless over this disease, that it is kicking your ***, and that you need lots of help. I don't believe we can beat it alone. If I choose to do it alone then i have to accept things exactly as they are and learn to live with it as it is. If I choose to get help then i have some hope that things can get better. Meds, therapy, lots of in real life support, online support is very helpful. we are real people here. Meditation, diet, exercise, journaling. If you decide to climb the ladder as I have you have to figure out what works and what doesn't. Sometimes nothing works and I have to accept it and live with it. Currently miracle of all miracles the meds I am taking are working great. i can't believe it.

Depression to me is totally physical. I have 0 energy and 0 motivation. I sleep all the time. Its all I can do. I can physically feel the lack of activity in my brain. I have done years of therapy and all sorts of stuff along with meds. It still comes and goes and I have had to learn to accept it, surrender to it, and live with and manage it whatever that means for me. It is very difficult.

I echo what Lizzyjb says and add a piece. Even if you do not enjoy something that you used to enjoy because of depression, try with all your might to do it anyway, whatever it is. A cup of jo by yourself at a coffee shop..I dunno, whatever. A comedy...even if you don't laugh. Your depressed brain isn't enjoying it, but your brain chemistry is getting a message. Putting one painful step in front of the other.

I think the idea of "Radical Acceptance" is great...as Skeetzy mentioned, to a degree. Let yourself feel like s...t, accept it try to not pressure yourself into feeling different...you may just discover the time will come, sooner rather than later, when you feel well enough to start "faking it 'til you make it." "What you resist perhaps," it is hard, but true and your depressed brain will fight that.

If you aren't functioning under the philosophy if acceptance for a couple weeks, IMO, time for in person mental health crisis intervention. There are people who care, us, more importantly in person help.

For what that's worth.