[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Hi all - just found this site online today and, after browsing through a little to get a feel for it, I signed up.

I've struggled with depression since as long as I can remember, though it wasn't formally diagnosed until I was just out of college. I'm seeing a T now (nearly a year with her), whom I like, and have been working through some of the foundational issues around my mental health. Mostly we've been working on anxiety, dealing with grief and resulting issues from my father's death (long overdue...he died nearly 20 years ago when I was 15), and a lifetime of feeling like I'm trying to measure up to a bar that keeps rising.

I had PPD with both of my kids, undiagnosed with my first and diagnosed/treated with my second. Since I finished that treatment about 3 years ago, I've generally been doing well - a week or two here or there where I would feel down, but nothing serious. Over the past several months, I've started a gradual spiral downwards - I didn't notice for awhile, but my husband did. It's gotten really bad over the last several weeks, and I'm into the stage where I can't figure out how I got so low or how I'm ever going to surface again - or even whether I want to. The effort to deal with it is so far beyond me, I just don't know what to do.

I tell myself all the things I know I'm supposed to do - exercise (doing OK at this), eat well (failing miserably at this), go to sleep at a decent hour (failing), wake up in the morning and force myself out of bed (managing this since I have to drive the kids to school/camp). Knowing I should avoid alcohol, sugar, caffeine - anything that artificially stimulates or depresses the system - failing at this, too.

My husband is trying to be supportive, I think, but his suggestions (along the lines of the above list) are so infuriating. I have a hard time falling asleep if it's too hot & I can't have a blanket over me...I wake a lot in the night anyway due to discomfort or my arms falling asleep. I tried to explain this as a part of the reason I'm up so late at night...I hate lying in bed awake, uncomfortable, and just waiting. He told me to turn the A/C up higher: "We'll pay to make you comfortable if that's what it takes for you to fall asleep." It's so discouraging to know I should be able to just do the things I know I should, and that he views it with such frustrating that I won't. I know he was irritated when I told him it wasn't just one thing that's keeping me up...and solving one of the twenty wasn't going to get me to sleep well.

On top of that, of course, is a complete lack of interest in sex. I feel like if I can just bring myself to do that, it would relax the atmosphere at home. I could just deal with the depression itself instead of adding the guilt over that, too. He's not callous about what I'm going through, but I know that life's more peaceful at home if he's not feeling neglected and I'm not feeling guilty.

It's getting out of hand, now - for weeks (or more) I've done just the bare minimum to get by at work. I work for my agency from my home, so there's very little supervision or observation of my habits. I can't concentrate on phone calls, have trouble focusing on what I'm reading, and it takes monumental effort to finish tasks that should be almost mundane. I'm having to ask coworkers to clarify or remind me of things that I should already know. I'm part-time, but will be increasing my hours next month to 30/wk. I'm worried I won't be able to up my productivity because of the depression, and it will become more noticeable. Of course, there's a load of guilt that comes with this, too, since I know I'm not working to my potential for them.

I've gotten to the point where I'm thinking about death a lot - how much easier it would be if something just happened to me and I wouldn't have to deal with all of this anymore. I don't believe I would be able to do it myself, but I did have one day when I was driving about a month ago, and I was so upset that the impulse to drive off the road was really strong. I resisted, but that's the first time I've been really scared about it. I haven't felt that strongly since, but I have impulse control issues elsewhere in my life (spending, eating, drinking sometimes), and I worry that that scenario could happen again.

Most of the I haven't talked about with my T yet - she's been out of town for 3 weeks, and I have a work meeting tomorrow that conflicts with my appt, so I had to cancel. My kids and I are headed out of town next week before my appt would come, so I won't see my T again until around the 2nd or 3rd week of July when we get back. Honestly, I'm relieved that I don't have to say any of this out loud to her for awhile. She and I haven't really touched on any of the depression stuff yet, since I've been mostly symptom free since I've been seeing her (except that driving incident, which was sort of isolated and I never brought up).

Don't know where I'm headed with this exactly - just needed to let it out, I guess. Does anyone else have experience with a disruption in their therapy bringing on more extreme symptoms? Not sure if that's what's going on here, or if I was just due...thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

[pisces22]

Its good you're letting it all out. I'm dealing with a lot at the moment as well so sometimes it's hard to encourage others and give advice but you're not alone and we'll always listen until you can see your therapist again. Hang in there!

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[Flummixed]

I've been in a similar situation. My wife has the same issues you do. I keep wishing she would seek some sort of treatment. I keep giving her therapist information in the hopes she will make an appointment but never does. You at least are seeking help. I think a big reason for her depression and mood is that her mother lives with us and she is constantly driving us all up the wall. Of course this makes the home environment very toxic. I've already told her all she has to do is say the word and I'll ask her to move out but I guess since her mother doesn't have any options (only collects about $1100 on SSI) she feels too guilty about kicking her out. I think kicking her out would cancel out the need for a therapist. I just keep telling her that I'm sorry and that I am there for her. I'm hoping your husband does the same for you.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks, Flummixed. It's nice to hear from the 'other side' of this struggle. I know my husband cares about me and is genuinely worried for me. We talked about it briefly last night. The hard part for me is that every time he tells me he's worried or asks how I'm doing with that look of concern in his eyes, it kills me a little more inside to think about what I'm doing to him. I don't want to do this to him anymore...it's not fair to him. I wish his concern did anything but make me feel even more guilty. But I also don't want him walking on eggshells around me trying not to upset me or not telling me how he honestly feels for fear of my reaction or making it harder for me.

I really don't want any witnesses to my depression. I avoid a lot of people and things pretty successfully when I feel like this, but I can't avoid the family I live with. I feel like they deserve so much more than I can give them right now, and it makes it worse knowing that how I'm feeling impacts him and our kids so negatively as well.

I don't honestly know whether it's better to just fake it and put on a good face for him and the kids as much as I can. It feels so hollow when I do that, and I'm never sure whether it's working or not. I want them all to make it through this episode as unaffected as possible...and I have no idea how to manage that.

So sorry to hear your wife is struggling, too - and you as a result also. The guilt that comes with depression can be crushing...it seems like all your options just lead to more guilt sometimes. I can imagine your wife feels the weight of that pretty heavily...are there no other family that can take her mother in? Section 8 housing nearby? There has to be another solution other than living with her making you both frustrated for the rest of her days...that's too long a time to live in a toxic environment.

[NoIdeaWhatToDo]

Thanks for the encouragement, pisces. I think just getting it all out has helped some. I don't like to share this at all with anyone I know personally - family, friends, etc. Keeping such a tight lid on it feels nearly impossible sometimes. Feeling a little bit better this morning - hoping that lasts for awhile.