[Purplesept2007]

This will be long so I will apologies upfront. When I wrote this earlier today I believe it logged me out before I submitted it so hope I can do justice second time around. I guess for me it all started around 15 years of age. I went to my Mom asking if I could see someone and she said no your okay. It just wasn't done in those days. From that point on I felt I had to work through it on my own. Through college I had my ups and downs but managed best I could. When I turned 40 that is when things started to become unmanageable. I really did not recognize it though until later. From 2003 - 2007 we were in crisis mode basically 24/7 with our one daughter and all my attention was focused on the day to day crisis really didn't think about myself. Around 2005 is when I noticed I could not manage anymore suicidal thoughts were any everyday thing for me. In Sept. of 2005 I started with a therapist who I still have today almost 9 years later. In 2007 I started on medication of one form or another and have continue ever since. Also in 2007 I had 3 complete breakdowns with the last one in September which ended me in a psych ward for 5 days. So I guess that is when I hit rock bottom as it were. In 2012 I retired from working which was one of the most difficult things I did but also one of the smartest things (life saving) I did because if I hadn't I am sure I would not be here today. Last spring/summer for about 5 months I had finally reached the top of the mountain and/or seen the light at the end of the tunnel it was the best I felt in 10 years. The last few months I have been struggling a lot. For family and friends I know they are tired and frustrated with it all. It is not like a broken leg were it will heal up in a couple months I wish it were.I know I can reach the mountain because I did it once but at this point in my life I am not sure it is attainable or possible. That is what has made these last few months so difficult I was there once. I also think that makes it so hard on family and friends because they can not understand why everything has gone south. I believe I will be free to speak my mind here in this forum which I am thankful for. We are all in different boats fixing holes, bailing water, or barely holding on just not to drown. I feel I will not be judged for who I am and have the openness to speak how I really feel at anytime so I thank you for that.

[kaliope]

thank you for sharing your story. I am happy to see that you are able to use your past experience in recovery to give you hope through your current struggles. keep up the good work.

((Snuggles))

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Snuggles22. You've struggled with depression all your adult life.

Originally Posted by Snuggles22

I know I can reach the mountain because I did it once but at this point in my life I am not sure it is attainable or possible. That is what has made these last few months so difficult I was there once.

Sending my best wishes that somehow, sometime you can stand in that place again.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( Snuggles ))))))))

[Frankbtl]

Hi Snuggles, you're right you won't be judged for who you are here, and have the openness to speak how you really feel.
And you have seen that it can be done, you have seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Now "just because" things are getting hard doesn't mean that it isn't still there. Depression can sometimes be unpredictable and although it's coming back (as it sometimes might) that doesn't mean that it has to be here to stay (particularly if you're looking for help with it) or that it has to get as bad as it was before.
It's really good that you're acknowledging that it's coming back now and speaking up about it, giving you a good starting point to try to work towards moving forward again.
Now maybe there were things that have helped just a little in the past you can return to trying...............??
Although I noticed that you'd retired which helped at first but now............I'm just wondering if the "honeymoon" period had kind of passed on that and maybe you need a little more in your life now to keep a bit of a balance (a better balance) e.g. a few hours voluntary work here and there??? Or something you can find some meaningfulness/purposefulness in????
Or anything at all (however small!!) around the time which could have contributed to you starting to feel worse again???? But if I'm wrong on those sometimes depression can have it's up's and down's for no obvious reason.
And if your family and friends are tired and frustrated with it all (sometimes depression can have you misinterpreting other peoples feelings) then I'd say (like I'm sure you would too!! ) you could really do with them being more supportive. Perhaps you could explain to them a little more exactly how you're feeling?? And give them a few pointers on things they could do which might help you a bit more??
Still you do know there's hope at least from your experiences, so hang in there, you've come to a good place for support and keep on talking to us..........anything we can do to help!!
Alison