[Alone91]

Most of the time during the day I'm ok. Atleast I can fake that I'm ok to avoid the "why would anyone want to be near someone who is so depressed" that I get from my mother. But nighttime is a totally different story. It's like the second I lay down and am finally alone, this wave comes crashing in and my brain goes a million miles a minute. All of the people who decided I wasn't worth it run through my head, then a just a blubbering mess laying there feeling like I have to find some way justifing why I'm alive (my best friend died at 14 and I always knew it should have been me) and finding nothing. I wish that I could just take a tranquilizer and fall asleep the second I lay down so I don't have to go through this. I can't talk to anyone about it. I lost my best friend because I talked to her about this, I'm too afraid to talk to the one friend I have because I'm afraid to lose him (even though he says I can talk to him), and my mother recently told me that depression isn't real, that If I just stop feeling sorry for myself I'd be fine, so she's out. I know that it can't be everyone else who has the problem, it's obviously me. I need to change about 90% of who I am or die alone, but I don't know how. I can't keep living like this. If I could skip past nighttime I'd manage. Anyone know how to get past this?

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[MisterUnderstood]

I know the feeling you're talking about. I wake up in the morning fairly average, I get a lot better during the day, and during the night, it's kind of a mixed bag almost. But nighttime is usually when my mood takes a nosedive for the worse. And as for your mother and friend, I'm in that same situation. My mother just calls me a hypochondriac and tells me I'm fine, and my best friend tells me that I'm welcome to talk to her anytime. But I feel like a burden when I do. I wish I could say I knew how you felt about your friend, but I don't. I'm sorry about it I seriously understand what you mean by changing though. I know it's just me and the rest of the world is getting on normally. Personally, what I find helps me keep from being sad is to just distract myself. If I'm not doing anything, I'll go from happy to sad in a second, so I try to always talk to people or work on something just to keep my mind away. I hope that you feel better. And by the way, don't worry Everyone has an issue, so you're not alone. I promise that you'll find someone who will understand you You can do it, don't worry xoxo

[AllyIsHopeful]

I wish I had a solution to offer. If it is any consolation, you are not alone. I also experience increasing depression as nighttime arrives. I'm fine during the day and can put on a brave face, which makes all the problems go to the back of my mind. By the end of the day they come rushing out and I become overwhelmed.
I am in therapy and used to have night sessions for about 7 months. I would be the last appointment usually and sometimes go in at 8:45. Those sessions were so helpful because I was able to convey my nighttime struggles and distress. Now that I see her in the daytime, she thinks I'm feeling and doing much better, which is not the case.

I'm sorry your mother is not supportive of your feelings and depression. I have been fed that same line in the past by my own mother...That it was in my head, I was throwing pity parties and I was feeling sorry for myself... So I feel for you because that lack of validation is crazy-making.

Are you in therapy or trying any meds for depression? Do you have any coping mechanisms that you have tried at night in the past, that have offered some relief? Sometimes it helps me to journal, take a hot shower, come on this forum, read, or do something mind-numbing like watch television or YouTube. I also find it fun to go on Pinterest and imagine the possibilities of life and how it could be in the future for me...sort of like fantasizing about feeling better I guess.

I'm so sorry you lost your best friend for sharing your situation. It's really hard finding people to trust who will not judge and keep you in high regards, no matter what. I never had that until I found my current partner. I've been with him for 5 years and he's the only one who listens and supports unconditionally... It's funny because my family had witnessed that over the years and began mirroring his actions. Now they are more supportive and accepting.

I'm sorry you battle this issue too, it is no fun at all! You could PM me if you ever want to vent or need someone to talk to and I would love to help or just offer extra support and validation. It's terrible to not have a support system.