[monkeybruv]

I think my depression is organic, because it does not correlate with stressful situations in my life. When I was 10 and my Dad died, for instance, I felt extreme pain, and happiness in between, and the full range of emotions. Life felt real and vivid and I didn't want to die. Then, out of the blue, at around 12, it's like a switch was flicked off in my head. My imagination and creativity disappeared. I remember the initial panic that I'd 'lost my soul'. Since then, I've been in a daze. My memory, intelligence and awareness of my surroundings have gradually degraded. I've felt detached from reality, blank and vacant for 8 years.
Once in a while I've gone into a crisis in an attempt to 'wake myself up'. I'll appear very distressed and anxious because I crave some sort of closure. I'll say I want to die properly because I have been dead for years, I don't want to carry on rotting away. Or I'll do something that scares me to try and make me feel something. When I cut myself, it's mainly to 'wake myself up' so I can do things.
When I let myself think about existence and how I've wasted so much time and how i can't feel anything, that's when I appear 'severely depressed' because I end up unable to do anything under the weight of it all and physically in pain. The way I've managed t get on with stuff and reduce my score on the depression test they do for me at therapy from around 27 to around 15 is by switching myself off, doing things in spite of the fact I feel no need to do so and get no pleasure from them. They say this is progress, and I tell myself that if I keep on the feelings will come back. But so far, I'm probably just as blank and dead inside as I was 8 years ago, I'm just not driving myself to despair in order to 'snap myself out of it'.
So I just wondered, if there's anyone out there, who's felt this way as long as me and has ended up feeling like a real person. Has someone gone from spending years in a state of being 'dead inside' to actually being able to feel life again, and to want to keep living? I remember thinking before that life had worth in itself, that even in the worst pain I'd want to live, because pain is still 'alive'. I remember wanting to dream every night because it frightened me how much time we spent asleep. I remember thinking about the inevitability of death - even at a very old age- and feeling terrified, and determined not to waste a second of my life.
I wonder if that's part of childhood that everyone grows out of, and that I'm maladjusted to think it's wrong not to feel that any more. Or if it's an illness, is it even possible to 'get better'? I know people recover from depression but for me it's not an 'episode', I'm not in pain at the moment either (just feeling a little suffocated at the prospect of endless nothing). I've been like this my whole adolescent/adult life, without any let-up. it's not a matter of 'feeling bad' most of the time but of not feeling at all, and of never feeling good. So I can't relate to people who say they've got better who've always had episodes of feeling bad but who also have felt good, or indeed much of anything, for the most part of their life. I can't relate to people for whom being this way isn't the norm, or even people who care about anything. So if someone who's been this way for almost all of their life has ever felt the bubble burst, who's managed to escape the blurriness of inside their head for just a little bit, who has been able to feel that sense of urgency, feel that life has value in itself...I'd really appreciate it if you could drop me a line. Thank you.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm not sure I can throw you the lifeline you're seeking, but I do relate to your post. I think my depression score went from 17 to 27 (the opposite way to yours) just because I started to acknowledge the depth of my feelings rather than be indifferent and numb to them. Actually, I don't think I was any better when the score was lower or any worse when it was higher.

I spent my adolescence and young adulthood up until my mid thirties feeling very much the way you described. I don't know what happened in my thirties but there was a time when I started to feel alive and in control of my mood. I managed 8 years med free in my forties, but actually I don't remember feeling that good, just that I could manage. Somewhere along the line I learnt to accept peace and contentment rather than happiness. I think that was my equivalent of your desire to escape the blurriness inside the head.

I'm guessing you must be in your early twenties, I did have some very exciting times back then, they were mixed in with the depression and they were attempts to snap myself out of the grip the illness had on me. Rather than cutting, I tried other risky things, fast driving, extreme sports those sorts of things. They gave me temporary relief, some of the things I regret, others not. Be careful in what you choose to "wake yourself up".

Do you have access to therapy? You really need to talk all this through with a professional, it may be a slow, hard path to acceptance, but hopefully you will find some better times ahead.

My depression isn't the same as yours, but I have spent considerable amounts of time with a flattened affect. I have also had the joy sucked out of life by constantly nagging and obsessive negative thoughts. I can remember shadows of this illness very early on in my childhood. I am almost 32 years old now.

I was only recently diagnosed and prescribed medication. For the first time in a long time I find myself smiling randomly. I also had some very good times and moments in the long run up to my 30s. I knew it was possible to feel good, but almost everything was tinted by a sort of existential melancholia punctuated by episodes of extreme depression. For the first time ever, I am coming to see that this wasn't some objective fact I had uncovered about life, but a state of my mind and brain. What I am saying is, things can and will get better.

And please do seek out the help of a therapist and psychiatrist.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by monkeybruv

Has someone gone from spending years in a state of being 'dead inside' to actually being able to feel life again

I've read accounts of people who claim this. Some of those stories do admit to at least minor lapses into depression after the "big" recovery.

I would like to think that experience is possible for everyone, but I'm not optimistic.

[Fuzzybear]

[monkeybruv]

Thanks for the replies guys. I sought help about a year and a half ago and have had some sort of support ever since. I thought just seeking help was the big breakthrough that would change everything but I guess it's a much slower process...