[theJword]

Good Day one and all,
As a new member I'm most assuredly posting this in the wrong place, but here goes. Firstly, I'd like to share my story and experiences with Depression, Anxiety, OCD, and others along with CBT treatment.

Throughout my life, I've known that something was off and that I don't function in the same way most of society does; I don't crave or see the need for social interaction and don't have any interest in maintaining friendships or relationships outside the closest to me i.e. my partner.

My story starts around 7 years ago when I started having tonic-clonic seizures. My first was at work in the middle of my office where I worked as an engineer on a technical team. My manager called for an ambulance and I was off work for around a week recovering. Because I had a tonic-clonic seizure, my doctors thought that it was very likely that I had epilepsy, so began medicating me with sodium valproate or Epilim chrono.

Abstract
As the years go by my incidence of seizures increase to the point where I'm at today having 4 major episodes a week on average. When the seizures started to increase in incidence and severity, I started to question the epilepsy and the medication for it. This kicked-off a long process of re-diagnosis because my GP was now starting to think that I'm having non-epileptic seizures.

Long story short, I've had multiple tests for epilepsy including EEG, Ambulatory EEG, scans for tumours, and photo sensitivity testing. All of which have come back inconsistent for epilepsy and encouraged the viewpoint by my doctors and consultants that I do not have epilepsy, but rather am experiencing a high incidence of non-epileptic seizures.

The medical world thus far is perplexed by my case and I'm caught in the system of going around and ground seeing different people who have different viewpoints. 50% think I'm epileptic, 50% don't, but also don't have another suggestion as to what my condition could be.

Because of my seizures, I started having to take hours out at work, which quickly ended up turning into days at a time to recover from the larger ones. This debility quickly manifested emotionally as a feeling of insufficiency or inadequocy, especially when I'd reached a point in my career when I was incharge of multiple departments and many staff.

Back to the story
Just over 2 years ago I went to my General Practitioner as I was feeling very negative and had been encouraged from all corners to perhaps seek some kind of medically oriented validation for these problems.

After a short test, my doctor told me that I was deeply depressed, had generalised anxiety disorder, OCD and a laundry list of other mental problems.

The first port of call was to give me Fluoxetine or the fabled protac tablets. At first prozac didnt work at all, but after a couple of months it quickly encouraged a pendulum effect of emotional and mental states that I had never experienced before, going from somewhat happy to deeply unhappy and bordering on killing ones self.

After 5-6 months I had decided that prozac was not aiding me, and the experience of bipolarity caused by this was not what I was looking for. After complaining to my doctor about this and a plethora of other side-effects, I was recommended citalopram. I stuck with this drug for 6 months, and found that it was better for me that Fluoxetine, although it still caused this pendulum effect with my temper and came with a laundry list of side effects, so I decided to discontinue use.

My doctor eventually recommended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and to my excitement, it would be provided gratis as I now fulfilled the requirements for it.

I've done 15 sessions of CBT and am now at the point of jacking it in. For me, I've really tried and been fully invested into the process, although I've found that it leaves me with more questions than answers and the 'tools' that you are taught to use in order to change your perceptions of situations and better control emotional responses essentially boil down to: Think happy thoughts = be happy, and I you're feeling down it isnt because there is a problem its because your thought process is wrong. I've found this outlook to be fanciful and somewhat disrespectful of reality and the human condition. What is there to feel happy about if one has nothing to feel happy about, etc.

Previously, before being afflicted by these problems, I was a workaholic kind of person who despised the notion of depression/anxiety and that people who experienced it were procrastinators and people who weren't onboard with hitting targets. Since my experience into this very subjective realm, I've discovered that sometimes forgetting is better than rationalising. Sometimes the proper way of dealing with something is to let it go, and sometimes what works for the 90% does not work for the 10%, no matter how hard others tell you it will work. If it doesn't do yourself a favour and change your circumstances.

I am at this moment under CBT treatment, although I am about to call my IAPT department and cancel the sessions as I find them to be ineffectual and constantly conjour thoughts that I can later use to beat myself up with or feel bad about in some way or another. For me, letting some things be really is the solution, its just a shame that its taken me so long to reach that conclusion.

If I could have my time again, I would stop myself from having taken any psychotropic drugs such as Fluoxetine and Citalopram, as they have changed things in me that I don't expect will change back and they have stolen some things from me that although in a small way, made me 'me'.

If you made it this far through, thank for staying with me, I know its been quite a blurb and in all honesty, I don't expect anyone will get to this point. I started out writing this post hoping to garner responses from other members to either encourage me to continue with CBT or to discontinue it, and I seem to have made my conclusions while writing. Thanks for being a part of it with me

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, theJword. Your general practitioner is not a mental disorder specialist. A referral to a professional for an assessment was indicated. Now, you are at the point of having rejected the treatment you received. It did not work.

The choice to stop treatment is yours to make. If your circumstances do not improve, you will have another choice to make, accept the status quo or seek treatment by those who specialize in treating mental disorders.

In the end, as I was told, you may have to accept you may not get better. I did not accept the doom and gloom and did get better.

I wish you well.

[theJword]

Thanks Glok,
I've come to terms that its just different strokes for different folks.
What I neglected to mention was that I was assessed by a specialist after GP visits, which affirmed the issues and set in motion the various treatments I've been subjected to so far.

I am depressed, anxious and all those things but in stopping doing CBT and acknowledging it as a problem per sae, this has actually had a positive mental impact.

Circumstances have most certainly changed after having made the decision to leave that particular line of treatment. CBT does work for a lot of people, I have no doubt, but in my case just having had it out with myself in the format of a post was enough to help me conclude that it can be a rather degrading ineffectual process for an extreme pragmatist such as myself.

Thanks for the kind words, I'm at a point where better is now and what was isn't a goal anymore.

Cheers

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, TheJword.

Originally Posted by theJword

sometimes what works for the 90% does not work for the 10%

True. CBT falls into this category. Based on your descriptions, I suspect more CBT - as they are applying it - is probably not going to do much for you.

Have you shared what you've written here with your doctor?

[Altered Moment]

Sounds like a very complicated case and I truly hope they can get you and accurate diagnosis and treatment.

I am rather a big fan of CBT, but other forms of behavioural therapy I did not like at all. Like setting short term goals on a list like getting out of bed and showering, going for a walk, eating breakfast, etc etc did not work for me. The idea is the therapist holds you accountable to those things so you are more likely to do them. I just feel more ashamed and beat myself up because I am not able to do those things when severely depressed.

I have now been referred to a therapist again and we will see what her approach is.

[hvert]

I hope you can get a diagnosis that makes sense -- I can't imagine how frustrating it must be.

And, yeah -- you gave CBT a try. It didn't work for you. No harm in quitting what doesn't work.

[fluffbuster]

J - but you haven't shared anything about your depression, anxiety or OCD - only about your PNES which might just be symptom of your depression, anxiety and OCD. You talk of different therapies and how you have made decisions not to go with them; you make a point in saying you are pragmatic; that you don't indulge too much in social interaction and by inference, it sounds like you're a perfectionist. At only one point do you mention that all these problems made you feel inadequate. I not sure what i'm trying to get at - but it sounds like you avoid the emotional content of your ordeal by rationalization and that you haven't yet addressed your true problems, whatever they may be. I truely hope that one day you find the answer.