[prettyjolie]

I felt really down the past two years.. I've tried to sort of ignore it, avoid it..
things aren't exactly better so i'm not too sure that what i'd been doing is working.
For a while, for several months, I was crying every single day, spending all of my time alone, feeling hopeless.
I found this site, found some good people, and began to feel better, little by little..
After talking to people here, I felt like I wasn't so alone, and that there were others out there who felt just like me. It was great.
But after a while, I began to come on here, feeling not too sad, but after reading some things, I ended up feeling even worse.. Instead of feeling like I wasn't so alone (which i did know), I started to think that if so many people out there feel so crappy like i do, and if they battle depression and all these feelings for so long then maybe I was going to do the same as well.. I was losing hope.
I stopped coming on here for a while.. but i don't know...
after i did that. I also started avoiding other things that upset me or would trigger bad feelings and sadness. I have been avoiding certain people, situations, things, and sometimes even thoughts and feelings.
I am not sure if I am doing the right thing when I avoid those things that upset me..
Nobody understands why I've been avoiding certain things. My parents were trying to get me to do something i had already tried twice and been turned down twice.. I wouldn't do it and still havent done it because of the fear of being rejected once again.
I have had some really bad days and weeks and it just doesn't seem like it's ever going to end.
a few months ago I tried talking to a "proffessional" about it, but it just wasn't for me.
I used to want to take medication but now I'm not sure I want to depend on drugs to be "happy."
My family isn't understanding nor supportive and neither are the few acquaintances that I haven't successfully pushed away yet.
I broke down earlier, wanting to die,.. I've prayed so many times to God that I wil just die. Sometimes i feel so unworthy.
I am seen by others as someone who thinks is better than everyone else.. i've become so unfriendly and such a.. well, just not a good person to be around.
The only good thing in life right now is that I might be able to start school this summer.. i can't wait.
That is the only thing i have to look foward to. I can't do anything else..

I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to pretend like everything is ok. The breaking point is coming soon and i can feel it.
Why is everyone in denial about my unwellness?? ... i know that's not a word..
Even after i told them that i was told that i had depression, they've just acted like there is nothing wrong.
i sit in my room once again all day, scared out of my mind, and then wait for them to come home to yell at me and tell me that i need a job. Dam dont they get that i tried> i got fired from my 2 week job because i was "too quiet" and "not friendly" and my manager told me that i showed no motivation or confidence.. i never thought strangers would realize that.. especially when my own stupid ignorant family thinks i'm just a stuck up, vain, teenager, full of herself.
if they only knew... I hate myself. my body, everything.. they believe i am only lying when i say that i am unconfident and that i have a low self esttem, and that I only want attention. They know nothing.
i too am in denial but only sometimes, because out of nowhere, i end up breaking down and realize who am i kidding?? My family, for sure since they don't know or don't want to know anything is wrong, but I am NOT fooling myself, even though I try.

i dont care anymore and im so negative and i wish i wasnt here..
why am I being tortured with living?

i dont want anything but to jsut die and make space for someone more deserving than me.
but of course, i never get what i want.

[Boopers]

Hi Prettyjolie,

Wow, you are in a severe depression. I know, I've been there several times. I won't go into it because I don't want to trigger you.
I am sorry that you are struggling day to day. I wish that your parents would realize that depression is real. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. The only way to get better is to take anti-depressants. It sounds like you are on them and if they don't seem to be working, maybe it's time for a change. I had to go through alot before I found the right ones that worked for me. I am now on two different ones and they work great.
When you are in a severe depression like you are, it's "normal" to feel the way you do. You don't want to go on, there is nothing it seems to live for. That's part of the depression.
I don't want to say anything to upset you any more than you already are. But, I do want you to know that you have my support whenever you need it.
I know you say that talking to a T. isn't your thing, but I do think it would help you.
Anyways, I wish you luck and please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.
I care,
Hugs,
Boopers

[Perna]

PrettyJolie, check this site out http://www.teendepression.org/ and see if it can give you a little hope back. Hope is A#1 important to me as I don't think one can move forward without it, no matter what attributes and "good" feelings one has. Go chat with your doctor and get some information about what he thinks?

Meds don't make you feel happy, only you can determine and go after what makes you happy; meds just might help even the playing field so "you" have more say which direction to choose. You have a rougher job than a lot of people, in my opinion, as you're a teenager living at home so have to figure out more new things and yet often have fewer resources of your own. But lots of us make it through that stage :-) so there is hope for you too! When I was a teenager before computers/internet, I use to collect quotations and read self-help and encouraging stuff to balance out the bad stuff and depression? "Balance" is a neat concept to me to work with (see me playing with it in my signature :-) Read here and other people's problems but then read other stuff too that might be helpful getting your spirits up is what I'd do.

[pamelasu]

Please take care of yourself. You are the most important thing in your life. If you feel that depressed you really need to see a professional to help you overcome these feelings. It's not going to be easy at first but once you get past most of the painful memories and stuff then it becomes easier to cope with life. Please take care of yourself! Hang in there!

[prettyjolie]

thanks..
i don't take and never have taken meds, but i wanted to a while ago.

but I do have a question.
Is it ok to avoid things that make me depressed? like avoiding thoughts or situations..
or is it just gonna be worse later when i have to deal with them?

thanks guys