[Craniac]

I am mainly just wanting to spout here...

I have successfully pushed away everyone who has cared about me now except for my children. I am fairly sure they are still around because I support them and/or pretty much let them do as they please.

I did not used to think of myself as being alone as long as I had an active love interest. As they all left me in the dust I began to realize that I hurt everyone who gets anywhere close to me.

So, now I have made up my mind that I am better being alone. At least I don't hurt anyone that way. But I feel so alone I can bearly stand it. It drives me further into isolation.

I made up my mind that I would just find things I could do on the internet to keep me occupied. I cut off Facebook because it was just like a graveyard. I felt I could do nothing but lie on there anyway. I was certainly not going to let everyone who ever knew me know how I was really doing.

So, now I post on Google+. That seems safe because no one looks at that anyway, lol.

And I am on here. This is my first post. There's no one on here who would know me or give a $**t if they thought they did. Sometimes I feel like I just need to write it all out somehwere in public. Don't ask me what I hope to accomplish. I could not tell you.

I was always pretty straight up. A church-goer. Married. Family. I would not and did not ever go outside my marriage to find intimacy although there was a particular person I was very fond of towards the end of my screwy marriage. I would never have laid a finger on her nor suggested it, either.

The one thing that really was totally f****d up was that my wife cheated on me every other year. I deployed to Iraq for a year and that was the end of it. That was about 4 or so years ago.

I look back and realize that I struggled with depression. The whole marriage thing exacerbated that. Instead of getting help I figured God would somehow magically deliver me from it. Not that He couldn't... I just supposed He did not want to. I'm not sure what the story is.

I guess I need something to struggle with or there would be no reason at all to continue living exept for keeping my children out of the gutter. That's a worthwhile reason to do anything That's my reason for life at this point until they move out--at which point I am going to become a hermit.

So--after the deployment and the divorce I felt pretty sorry for myself. I was way out to lunch in that think I figured it was ok to do things I had would never have believed I would do in my previous life.

Besides the women I looked for (which did not amount to much) I fell in hopeless love with my ex-wife's best friend (which I did not look for--she approached me but I was all too happy to oblige because I idolized her). That was a bad move (like I even need to say that). I got real hurt and I still have trouble getting her out of my head.

After that I tried real hard to be happy being single. After many months of working towards emotional health I got there for a very short time. That's when another woman I had idolized from high school started contacting me.

She made no secret that she always wondered how it would have been if she and I had ended up together. Little by little she used me to escape her over bearing husband. We met a few times (even though she lived all the way across the US) and we were very much in a romantic relationship.

Without going into too much detail she abruptly stopped communicating with me. Not sure exactly what happened there but my heart was very much broken again. That's when I knew that I knew that I knew that I really needed to stop hurting people and the only way to do that was by being alone.

I went through a very dark time for about 6 months. I am just starting to come out of it now.

I hate where I am but I am certain a love relationship is not a good way to treat depression. It only exacerbates it once the relationship inevitably ceases. I am just trying to be happy being single but I am experiencing something else now.

I don't want to do anything. I don't like anything. I find no pleasure in anything. I do find some pleasure in my children and I know I need to hang on for them (they live with me during the school year and the older two live with me all the time). I know I need to hang onto my job so I can support them because their mother does not want to support herself or them. I don't want to get into the whole child support thing here. That's another discussion entirely.

I feel so lonely and worthless. I hate it! I stopped caring about my appearance--which at 50 is sort of expected, I suppose. The only thing that makes me feel happy any more is finding ways to shut off my brain. I won't go into that here, either.

I have tried to get help from the VA. They are worthless. No, they are destructive. The last time I saw a shrink there he gave me something to stop smoking which threw me into a suicidal spiral. @$$***e. I asked for something to help my depression (I was proud of myself for having reached out at all). Instead he gave me what he thought I needed and I did not understand that.

The only person who I felt really understood me (not my ex-wife) won't have anything to do with me now... but I had that coming. Refer to the previous paragraph regarding the ex's best friend... She just always knew what to say and how to say it. I wish I had just said no when she approached me. We may have yet been friends.

I am just not sure where to go next. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. I am slowly adjusting to being alone but am not very happy doing it. I believe I need to take care of myself but I have difficulty seeing the point... I mean, I understand the academic points of children/job, etc... There's just nothing in it emotionally for me. I'm a freaking loaf of bread (scriptural reference) and I hate it. Is this ever going to go somewhere good?

[Craniac]

I feel paralyzed. Even the good things I know to do I can't do. All I want to do is nothing. I don't want anything at all. Even work. I go out of this sense of fear and obligation.

I took a lot of pleasure in riding bicycle. Now I can't even bring myself to get on it.

Heck, I can't even masturbate. It's just all so pointless.

[Clara22]

Hi Craniac,
Welcome to PC. This is a good place to be, hope you keep posting. I am sorry you did not get what you needed in the VA service. I am not sure if you can do something to claim what you need and deserve (proper treatment, etc.) but perhaps here somebody could tell you. I know there is a program about job relocation for veterans in Syracuse University, but I think job is not a problem for you. Many of the feelings you are describing here could correspond to depression. I am not a doctor so I cannot really tell, but perhaps you would benefit from therapy or psychiatric orientation (meds, and so on). Sometimes being alone is an opportunity to go deeper and explore ourselves. It is painful, but it works longterm. To me, you are worthy, with or without a woman beside you. You deserve to be happy. And to be loved. OK, hope you continue posting here. Good luck with everything

[regretful]

I don't have anything to say in opposition to what you said about the VA, except that sometimes the Vet Center's are better than the VA hospital. If there is one in your community, you might have better luck there.

[peace#seeker]

Thank you so much for sharing this! It helps to know that people out there are struggling with similar issues... I wish I had some words of wisdom or something that would help to say to you but all I can say is hang in there and best wishes