[Steiner of Thule]

I can't connect with anyone.

Anyone I try to talk to it just doesn't seem to work. I don't feel like a person. I can't answer most questions. If I do answer questions they end up vague without meaning because I have no real identity. Never had an identity.

Though, I guess it comes from life-long anxiety and avoidance of others. So it's no surprise I can't seem to connect. I don't really enjoy being alive. Everything is numb yet I have this constant feeling of wanting to cry yet being unable to cry.

Everyone just seems like simple dumb animals. Not that they seem to be but they ARE simple dumb animals. Predictable and easy to see through. Spouting the same lines over and over again. I ask the questions and get the excepted answers.

I've been physically isolated from others for over 3 years now. Mentally for probably my entire life. Always alone. Though I was alone because I lack social skills. Yet people think they have the audacity to compare themselves to me?

I cringe up when I talk about myself and people try to say they can relate.

This anxiety and loneliness never seems to go away. I can't beat the loneliness while the anxiety still lingers. Though I can't beat the anxiety when just leaving the house is a task. Agoraphobia. I can't beat the agoraphobia if I am constantly trying to stay awake cause I get tired just being awake for a few hours. Yet I can't do anything if I am retarded.

It's simple as that.

My problem is that I am just not that smart.

It's not about fear. It's not about laziness.

I~
am~
not~
smart.

"Oh but look at your writing skills! How can you be dumb if you can write fluent English!?"

It's such a comment I receive but just because I am okay at typing up sentences doesn't make me smart. Doing basic things seems like a challenge. Have I just been depressed my entire life? Maybe. Though maybe I just wasn't that smart to begin with. I feel like I can't do stuff. I am lacking the mental fortitude to do stuff. I feel like I am lacking something in my head. Just like this void. It is such an irritating void. My brain feels like it's twisting and turning.

I literally feel like there is an emptiness.

Yet people here will tell me I AM smart! A lot of people seem to say they are dumb. Though more thrown out there as a non-serious comment.

I AM ACTUALLY STUPID.

I can't do basic things. Though I thought it was just the fact that I am poor at socializing and can't find the words a lot of the time. I always knew in the back of my mind that even if I were to become good at socializing I would still fail. I am just not that smart.

Everything feels like a daunting task.

I can't even feel bothered to explain myself anymore. I hate being alive.

Just a rant. I guess. With no clear direction.

People will probably try to tell me that the idea of me thinking I am stupid is just the depression talking.

[Altered Moment]

Depression and anxiety are very debilitating diseases. When I am very depressed I feel a huge empty void in my brain. A part of it doesn't function. I get social anxiety and never leave the house. If it is all being successfully treated I am pretty normal in all aspects.

Are you being treated at all?

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[flours]

being smart or stupid seems to be very important to you. what are the things that you can't do? can you give an example?
who cares if you are smart or stupid. it's at least not important for socializing, I guess. of course that depends on the people you meet and if they are very judgmental.

[Fuzzybear]

[TheOriginalMe]

With treatment, things can improve, it isn't easy and it will be a lifelong battle. A couple of months ago I was feeling hopeless, I had no expectation of remission. Like you I'm good with words but perceive myself as socially illiterate. Depression erodes and undermines, it takes away and destroys, but with the right defences (meds, therapy) it can be held back and the damage repaired. I was wrong about myself and I hope your situation changes for the better too.

[Idiot17]

(((((Hugs)))))

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Depression and anxiety are very debilitating diseases. When I am very depressed I feel a huge empty void in my brain. A part of it doesn't function. I get social anxiety and never leave the house. If it is all being successfully treated I am pretty normal in all aspects.

Are you being treated at all?

No treatment. Can't afford it. No insurance.

Originally Posted by flours

being smart or stupid seems to be very important to you. what are the things that you can't do? can you give an example?
who cares if you are smart or stupid. it's at least not important for socializing, I guess. of course that depends on the people you meet and if they are very judgmental.

An example- Leaving the house alone. Ordering stuff. Filling out various documents. Knowing what to do in situations instead of getting hollow-head syndrome. Remembering important numbers. Knowing who to call for things. Banking. etc etc etc the list goes on.

Intelligence is very important with socializing. If you're not smart enough to do basic things then you can't socialize because the basis of a conversation is how you are doing with your life. "What do you do."

When you introduce yourself to people. They want to know what you do with your life. If you're too stupid to do anything then they get thrown off and think something is wrong with you.

They will quickly try to find a way to get away from you.

I've yet to meet a non-judgmental person. Everyone is judgmental whether they say they are or not. Many will say they aren't as a means to make themselves look better to their peers. They lie though.

You can't have a conversation if you're ability to hold information about various subjects is limited.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thank you

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

With treatment, things can improve, it isn't easy and it will be a lifelong battle. A couple of months ago I was feeling hopeless, I had no expectation of remission. Like you I'm good with words but perceive myself as socially illiterate. Depression erodes and undermines, it takes away and destroys, but with the right defenses (meds, therapy) it can be held back and the damage repaired. I was wrong about myself and I hope your situation changes for the better too.

I basically have to be stumbling around from some med or alcohol to feel okay around people.

Originally Posted by Idiot17

(((((Hugs)))))

Thanks

[sonnynotsunny]

Hello, sorry you feeling like this, 3 years sound long to me, have you ever considerate seeking a professional help? it might help you a lot, you don’t have to deal with this alone.

[Steiner of Thule]

Originally Posted by sonnynotsunny

Hello, sorry you feeling like this, 3 years sound long to me, have you ever considerate seeking a professional help? it might help you a lot, you don’t have to deal with this alone.

Tried in the past. Didn't work really. I gave my therapist depression.