[samuli]

As i told in my previous thread I had intrusive thought and my depression was getting worse. I ended up getting committed to psych ward and diagnosed with psychotic depression. I didn't really agree with the diagnosis since I realize that the thought I have aren't real and i feel fairly lucid. Anyways I went to the hospital voluntarily to make things easier for me. Some part of me was also afraid that I would actually end up attempting suicide if i didn't have a more secure environment.

I arrived at the hospital yesterday. The hospital building is nice and my room is fairly home-like. I also have a private room (though it has a camera..). When i arrived my medications were drastically increased. I was put on a large dose of Seroquel and my and meds were upped to maximum. Also my Xanax dose was doubled from 1mg as needed for max. 3 times a day to 2mg max. 3 times per day. Those meds have made my extremely sleepy and lethargic. Seroquel did nearly remove my intrusive thoughts but I can hardly think about anything at all now. When I asked if my meds could be reduced I just got a ''It is a standard treatment for psychotic depression''.

Staff and patients seem fairly nice, though one of the night nurses was, for a lack of better fitting word, a *****. She forced me to go to bed at 10pm despite the fact that I had slept for the most of the day. I was also very anxious at that moment. I would have needed a person to talk to for a couple of minutes and instead I got a very rude answer ''I'm not here to talk'' and a sleeping pill.

All in all I'm having a fairly mixed. I think it is good for me to get away from home and sharp things and pills, but the medication thing is bothering me. Thankfully my pdoc comes back from a holiday on the 28th.

[waterknob1234]

It may be good for you to be in a safe place. It may not be the environment you wished for. Things may not be perfect. It sure sounds like the staff could be a lot nicer. But at least you are safe. I know what you mean about medication problems. I have been on so many different anti-depressants and either they don't work or they have unwelcome side effects. My pdoc prescribed an anti-anxiety med that seems to do the opposite of what it is supposed to do. Best of wishes to you.

I had two shorts stays recently myself. I think the standard thing is to just increase meds...they do that a lot! I know it's not great but it's a safe place and it's important that you are safe. I hope it gets you to a more stable state of mind where you feel you can keep yourself safe in the outside world.

[samuli]

Had a very bad day. Everything was fine until i went to my therapy session for the day. I was feeling pretty anxious about it because I have a great deal of trouble opening up to anyone except my pdoc/t (who is on holiday).

Therapist seemed fine at first but when the conversation got to my ''negative views about the future'' she said the following: ''You need to realize that you have your whole life ahead of you and you shouldn't dwell in the past. You can still succeed in your career and have children or accomplish whatever life goals you happen to have.'' That might sound like a fairly innocent statement, but my therapist had obviously forgotten to read my whole medical file and had just read the psych part. If she would have read that she would known that I have a fatal disease, that will kill me in 10-15 years (maybe 20 if lucky) and that the disease also prevents me from having children.

At first I first I got angry, but soon sadness overwhelmed me. I pretty much had an emotional breakdown then and there. I know that the therapist probably didn't say what she did to hurt me, but those words ended up hurting me anyways. My physical illness is a large component of my depression. To be honest I just feel even more pathetic after that therapy session, even though she did apologize after she realized her mistake. I don't know if i'm just feeling oversensitive about everything or was my reaction justified.

[Rohag]

You need to realize that...

I have serious doubts about the practical therapeutic value of any advice beginning with that phrase.

Personal Opinion: Your reaction had nothing to do with oversensitivity. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope this therapist will be better informed in the future.

[CastlesInTheAir]

I'm also sorry this happened to you. Hugs

[samuli]

I've had a couple of better days. Lead psychiatrist of the ward said that since I'm no longer (in his opinion) psychotic my anti-psychotic medication could be reduced. That thankfully reduced the fogginess a lot. I find it kind of hilarious that despite the fact that my symptoms have barely changed at all I'm now supposedly not psychotic. I think the psychiatrist that diagnosed me with a psychotic depression was pretty much a quack. Thankfully my own pdoc is returning from her holiday on Monday so I can see her and talk about things.

On the other hand I ended up self harming after that therapist appointment and they increased my monitoring. I'm however feeling much more like myself. I think I will try to get myself discharged after the weekend. That might be difficult though since I got send here with an emergency referral and I now have psychotic depression as my diagnosis..

[oliamble]

Samuli I hope you get better soon. that nurse was really very rude by telling you that she was not there to talk. I wonder how she would act if she worked with children.

[samuli]

Weekend went fine and I thought about leaving the hospital on Monday. I even got a permission to do so. Monday morning when I woke up i found out that one of my best friends had passed the previous night. He killed himself at the age of 36. He had the same disease as I did and it had progressed to the terminal stage, but he still would have had 1-3 years to live. While I can understand his decision it still pains me greatly. I cried a lot yesterday but now i just feel numb. I felt completely at a lost for words in therapy. Needless to say I chose to stay a day or 2 more in the hospital