[regretful]

...and back again...I seem to be fluctuating between depression and anxiety. I'm so regretful of the past (hence the self-imposed moniker), and so fearful of the future. Though I'm up and "functioning" I am just going through the motions. For me, the most excruciating part of this depression is knowing that I wasn't always like this. I long for feeling even a bit content. It's becoming more difficult by the day to keep this up...Thanks for reading, just needing to vent...

[Fuzzybear]

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thank...I can always count on your reliable and safe hugs. At the risk of sounding too needy, I'm glad to know that someone cares.

Originally Posted by regretful

...and back again...I seem to be fluctuating between depression and anxiety. I'm so regretful of the past (hence the self-imposed moniker), and so fearful of the future. Though I'm up and "functioning" I am just going through the motions. For me, the most excruciating part of this depression is knowing that I wasn't always like this. I long for feeling even a bit content. It's becoming more difficult by the day to keep this up...Thanks for reading, just needing to vent...

Yes, Regretful. I think the day-to-day fight worsens the longer the battle goes on. I've been fighting this in one way or another for 60+ years. And, yes, I'm up & functioning too. Sometimes I wish I could just break down entirely. The problem is that when you're up & functioning, everyone presumes you're okay & so they treat you as if you're okay. But I'm not okay... not really. Sometimes I think I can't stand this another minute! But then I pull it back together & go on.

You wrote you can remember a time when you felt well. I can remember times when I was better at hiding than I am now. But I don't ever recall a time when I actually felt well.

I recently re-established my on-again / off-again yoga practice & it seems to be helping. I'm pleased to be back to it. So that's the good news from my direction. I hope you can find something that will help you deal with your depression & anxiety as well.

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by regretful

...and back again...I seem to be fluctuating between depression and anxiety. I'm so regretful of the past (hence the self-imposed moniker), and so fearful of the future. Though I'm up and "functioning" I am just going through the motions. For me, the most excruciating part of this depression is knowing that I wasn't always like this. I long for feeling even a bit content. It's becoming more difficult by the day to keep this up...Thanks for reading, just needing to vent...

I also fluctuate between the two. If there's was something like bipolar but with anxiety rather than maniac episode I would guess thats what I have. But the doctors says that "anxiety is part of depression"... I wonder how much anxiety and how little depression I can have for it to still be considered depression...oh well. :/ Unfortunately I've been like this or just simply depressed almost my whole life... I don't know what me without these mental issues really is..

When I got a lot of anxiety I got a pill to help me with that. I hope you have a good strategy yourself! ^^ Just venting on pc counts...

[Altered Moment]

I never had any anxiety my whole life. Tons of depression. Then about 5 years ago I started getting it. Last year it was so horrible along with paranoia and depression I talked my doc into giving me klonopin. It has worked like a champ. And yes I know very well the risks.

Why did I all of a sudden develop anxiety? I have no idea. It seems to be the progression of my disease.

[regretful]

Thanks for the replies...I think for me it is anxiety about the depression - that is, I'm afraid that I'll be depressed forever, and that there is no way out of this...I'm afraid of being hospitalized again (because it did me no good and cost me $7,000)...I'm afraid that depression is all there is...

[Altered Moment]

Have you considered treatment again regretful? Therapy with or without meds?

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[regretful]

I'm considering medication zinco...thanks for asking.

[Pikku Myy]

Doing the same, just add panic Hating it! Hope you feel better

[thatssomething]

Originally Posted by regretful

...and back again...I seem to be fluctuating between depression and anxiety. I'm so regretful of the past (hence the self-imposed moniker), and so fearful of the future. Though I'm up and "functioning" I am just going through the motions. For me, the most excruciating part of this depression is knowing that I wasn't always like this. I long for feeling even a bit content. It's becoming more difficult by the day to keep this up...Thanks for reading, just needing to vent...

I'm on a very similar emotion coaster. For me, the worst part is looking at the future and knowing I'll never be off medication or without a regular therapist. For a while I had hope that I'd get better but now I'm not so sure.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Pikku Myy

Doing the same, just add panic Hating it! Hope you feel better

Thank you...I'm not feeling much better. I actually feel like I'm falling apart

[~rider]

Hello regretful, the idea behind Mindfulness meditation is just focusing on the present. You probably know about it, and it's not easy for a lot of people. I tired it and found a way to incorporate it into my world so it works. My own version of it, what works for me. My depression is caused by anxiety, but it gets to a point where my doc wonders how the 2 are related, but seems like they are. When it was tough for me in the beginning, I used in tandem with medication (or sometimes a glass of wine) so I could get calm enough to meditate, but as I practiced and refined meditation, I slowly got off meds. I hesitated to mention the wine cause of addiction problems, so I can only say the obvious, if you're prone to addiction don't drink.

This worked for me because of traumatic past events in my life. Typical "past is depression, future is anxiety" deal.

And part of it is not to worry that you'll always be depressed, fight to get that thought out of your mind, does no good. I had the same thought. But when things got good, a little here and there, that was my hope. And I pretty much squashed that thought after I knew how it felt to be good again.

This place https://www.headspace.com/ has some good free intros in case you haven't heard of it. Everyone need to find what works. So for for me it's meditation, 2 out of 4 T's, and 1 out of 2 P's in the past year.

[regretful]

Thanks...I understand the idea behind mindfulness very well...I'm just not too good at it. Strangely, I did practice prayerful mindful meditation when I was not depressed. What threw me into a loop was leaving a job. Now I have nothing to do other than think and it is, I fear, driving me nuts. I can't laugh, I don't enjoy life, and I'm just numb...

[Altered Moment]

I had anxiety all afternoon today for no apparent reason. I was doing real estate photography for my brother in law which I love. Very nice houses and fun to photograph. Deep breathing, mindfulness, yet it is still there.
And I have done this type of work a million times.

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[Creative1onder]

Does anxiety tend to come before depression? Does anxiety lead to depressive state? Or do they occur at same time, intensely? I get both. For me they are part of illness.

[~rider]

Originally Posted by regretful

Thanks...I understand the idea behind mindfulness very well...I'm just not too good at it. Strangely, I did practice prayerful mindful meditation when I was not depressed. What threw me into a loop was leaving a job. Now I have nothing to do other than think and it is, I fear, driving me nuts. I can't laugh, I don't enjoy life, and I'm just numb...

Wow ok. Well another technique is distraction. I used to wake with obsessive thoughts and just negative everything so I just got out of bed, made hot chocolate and did something. I could return to bed, sometimes within an hour. Interrupt the mind when bad thoughts come up. Just like mindfulness, takes practice. I had to get in a bad enough place that I got desperate, and worked at this as my main goal for the day.

Unemployment is tough. I got laid off several years ago, and with a wife, two kids and a mortgage it was scary. I just got up everyday and got dressed as if I was going to work, and made my workday finding a new job. I had too. Positive benefits of this were it kept my mind distracted, and eventually I did find a new job. A better one.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ~rider

Wow ok. Well another technique is distraction. I used to wake with obsessive thoughts and just negative everything so I just got out of bed, made hot chocolate and did something. I could return to bed, sometimes within an hour. Interrupt the mind when bad thoughts come up. Just like mindfulness, takes practice. I had to get in a bad enough place that I got desperate, and worked at this as my main goal for the day.

Unemployment is tough. I got laid off several years ago, and with a wife, two kids and a mortgage it was scary. I just got up everyday and got dressed as if I was going to work, and made my workday finding a new job. I had too. Positive benefits of this were it kept my mind distracted, and eventually I did find a new job. A better one.

Thank you ~rider...I awoke today thinking that I would work on a day without complaining. So far, I'm four hours into it, and the complaints have been over-ridden by thoughts of gratitude. It has reduced my anxiety. I'm thankful that you took the time to help me recall the benefits of mindfulness. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

[Momentofclarity]

Originally Posted by regretful

Thank you ~rider...I awoke today thinking that I would work on a day without complaining. So far, I'm four hours into it, and the complaints have been over-ridden by thoughts of gratitude. It has reduced my anxiety. I'm thankful that you took the time to help me recall the benefits of mindfulness. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Hurray I hope the day continues going this way for you!

[regretful]

Well I'm about 7 hours into the waking day...keeping that word "gratitude" in the forefront of my mind. During this exercise, I've learned that it is very easy to complain...the hard work comes not in finding things for which to be grateful, but in expressing that gratitude.

[~rider]

Excellent!!

[Creative1onder]

For me is difficult feeling grateful about things in my life cos I lack things i can feel good about .

[~rider]

That's most likely the depression, but just the fact you can get through a day in a better mindset is great. When my depression was at the bottom I didn't give a sht about anything at all. Was scary for me cause I've always had so many interests. And my job, I need to be inspired, that was scary too.

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[Creative1onder]

No its my life in general, I don't feel good about and want to change desperately but feels overewhelming. I feel trapped. Depression has underlying issues but when it affects me a lot its debilitating, it drains me and makes things difficult to do. Its hard when you feel yourself giving up on things that were of interest and important in life. Can you meditate when depression and anxiety are quite severe?or do you try other things to help.

[~rider]

Hi, it isn't easy to meditate successfully when the depression is real bad. I almost go into a holding pattern waiting for it to pass. But, for me obsessive thoughts cause my depression, especially when I'm tired, or groggy. So I stop the thoughts. As soon as I resize I'm obsessing, anything I can do to distract my mind, I do. Like just half an hour ago I got out of bed cause my thoughts weren't good. Now I'm having morning coffee on the deck and it's ok. It's taken months to train my mind to do this, and I feel I'm only half way there, but it's working. A lot. I read something once about neural pathways on our thoughts and interrupting them works. Re-wires the brain. I have to say it's been helping me.

The part of meditation that works best in my case is awareness of the present. Focusing of that. It's a basis of mindfulness, but not the "freeform" kind, sitting with eyes closed, focusing on breathing, acknowledging thoughts, etc, etc. that's not a good thing for me when depressed. So I do breath deep and exhale stress though. And I focus on the present, where I am, what things taste like, feel like, etc. it's been a huge help for me to get my mind into reality and out of my depressed thoughts. It slows down my racing brain.

Also distractions, watching comedies, walking, taking a ride on my motorcycle, and funny enough, cleaning. Organizing my stuff.

I'm still impressed you could be grateful for things that day, I'm going to try that myself. Sounds healthy and another way to get things in proper mental perspective.

Wanting to change you life but feels overwhelming, how? Many times depression has underlying emotional issues. Taking care of those issues fixes your depression. For me it was bad relationships with a couple people, at the same time. One relative, and one intimate friend. Now I'm obsessing, but moving on. Slowly, but these techniques are helping me.

Hope some of this helps, it's up to all of us to figure out what works.

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