[iridium]

Enough is enough. I'm tired of always pretending to be happy when I'm around people, of pretending to smile when I'm supposed to, listening to my friends petty drama when really I just want to slap them. They're not my friends. I hate myself. I can't look myself in the mirror. I'm so angry all the time. Why am I angry? I don't know. But I feel it. Usually I can always suppress it and smile anyway. But it's getting much harder to do so. I have so many secrets. I feel trapped, choked. Everytime I walk into a room and I'm by myself I begin crying. I cry hard. I'm not happy. I have isolated myself from my family and friends. I am at the end of a perfect 6 year relationship because I'm ruining it. Why am I like this? I don't understand! There is no reason for me to be so sad. I look back on my life, on my accomplishments and I'm not satisfied. I feel nothing but regret. I could have done so much better. I am so selfish. I created this personification of myself that everyone knows. Everyone knows me as the high-spirited, funny, athletic, caring friend. But behind closed doors I am this ugly, do nothing, lazy, hateful, hypocritical piece of crap. I need to get this out, to just hear that I'm not crazy and it's ok to be upset and it's normal to have down times. But in my world it's impossible. And it's choking me. I need change.

[gayleggg]

iridium, I'm sorry to hear you are having so much pain. Have you seen a psychiatrist yet? Or a therapist? If not it would be a great time to start. There are medicaitons that can hopefully help you. I, too, have periods of anger for no reason, of course that doesn't mean I don't let it out inappropriately. Usually at my husband. I, also, pretend to everyone else in my life that I am happy and functioning. I work and have to put on that fake smile everytime someone walks in the door. Somedays it is all I can do to make it through the day. And I do it one step at a time. I'm in the process of having my meds changed which hopefully make me feel better. Good luck to you. You can also PM if you wish.

[Idiot17]

Not crazy at all, i feel the same way. Take gayle's advise for therapy if you didn't yet. Hugs and gluck.

[SilverNeurotic]

Depression can be truly brutal, especially when it seems as though there's no reason for you to feel the way you feel. I would make an appointment with your doctor for a referral for a therapist...and maybe a script for an anti depressant if it's truly unmanageable.

[Shriveled Muse]

I just wanted to say that you've described almost my exact situation in your post. I also spend every single day as another person, and it's really tiring putting up this front in front of other people. Moreover, it's rather upsetting that people like this fake persona that I've created more than my actual self. I can feel so much hate inside me and all this raw despair just storming away. Unfortunately I cannot provide any sort of advice. I've been to therapy but it didn't work for me. Talking to people doesn't either, but maybe it will for you? Maybe if you have someone you can trust to support you?