Joking around to cover the fact that I'm depressed

I was very shy, introverted and reclusive as a kid, but I had a friend who was very outgoing and fun loving, he had a sense of humor and a carefree attitude, but I could see a sadness in his eyes that other people may not have noticed.

I sort of 'stole' his sense of humor or adopted it at least, and I use it to this day, It started when I was 14. I realized that I made everyone around me feel uncomfortable because of my own depression, I didn't want to spread my misery to others, I wanted people to get the impression that I'm fine.

People who knew me from the start suddenly said 'wow, I never knew you had such a great sense of humor!, where were you all these days?'

I do like making people smile, but I feel like punching myself in the face when the joke's over. It's kind of hard to describe, there's a little part of me that hates me for making others smile, it says 'how about dealing with your own depression for a change?'. It's amazing how easily people are convinced that I'm just a happy, carefree person.

I have to admit, it improved my body language, and it also made it easier for relate to people and make friends, but it makes it harder for me to convince them that I'm depressed when I do decide to open up once they get real close to me, and I feel like they should know.

My eyes never change, it's always sad, I wear a smile on my face, but I feel like if they looked straight into my eyes, they'd know. Oddly enough, I'm still a recluse, not many people know me, I'm just 'that weird funny guy who doesn't talk much'.

Sometimes I wake up and say 'screw it', I'm not going to pretend anymore, but when I see my friends and family, I cannot look miserable, I just don't want to.

I do the funny routine too, wise cracks mainly. People say I'm good with words but I know that has counted against me when I've sought professional help. They see the persona that I've created and not the real me that I'm telling them about, I sometimes think the professionals believe the depressed me is the fake and not the funny, clever one. So much so that I even doubt my insanity sometimes.

do you enjoy being funny? I guess theres nothing wrong with making other people smile. but if you feel bad about it because it's only for hiding your feelings and it actually makes you feel worse don't know if its good. but you described some really positive effects so if these are doing anything for you I think it's great.

I also make jokes when depressed. and they are much funnier because I make a serious face. sometimes I am not sure though if people laugh more because they are very confused because I look so sad and then make jokes.
I don't really care though. I like making jokes and it makes me feel better in a way. and this is how I can show people that even if I am in a bad mood I still understand humor and this is something comforting to them and to myself.

I feel like I've painted myself into a corner, in a way, The persona I've created is what people care about, not me. It's hard to convince people around me that I'm not well, it's frustrating sometimes.

No, I don't really enjoy being funny, I feel like running home and smashing stuff, but I don't.

Exactly how I feel , my body language can confuse people, Like after I joke about someone, I immediately make a miserable face, or sometimes I smile and then I stop smiling abruptly,