APATHETIC - Time to Give in

I sat there for two hours staring into nothingness. I was surrounded by other people yet I would not be able to tell you exactly who was there. I just sat in one place the whole time not moving. Not thinking. Eyes glazed. Just staring beyond me. It took time for me to snap out of it but once i did it only got worse.

The fire from the candles caught my attention and brought me back to the here and now of the world. I had a desperate urge to take the candles and inflame the whole place. To create destruction. To watch destruction. To be destructed. To actually see that life does exist out there.

Then I noticed the knives on the tables. Their definitely was a nice assortment of different blades though no Disney World kind of assortment. I wanted to whip up the knives and start cutting and carving. And this is front of a large happy audience. I wanted to aim for specific limbs of others. I was trembling with the need to do so.

The drinks, oh they had good drinks. I haven't got myself blind drunk in a while. I only do get blind drunk when I'm on my own not in others company. Yet the urge to just binge on the drinks was ever so powerful. I just wanted to go into a numb state of mind. Comatose.

Crystal, china, glass. There was so much of it just laying in plain sight right on the table. The 'rightousness' of seeing the china splinter into millions of pieces. The rightousness of getting many small cuts from the china. My hands were trembling with the want of just flinging the crystal items across the room. Of destroying the items, watching them 'die' as they break. And then using all the sharp shards on my body.

Their is no use. I may as well give up already. I don't have the strength to do anything else besides that.

Hi Idiot17. You have been hurting for a long, long time. Have you been able to see the psychiatrist yet? If not, has your primary doc started you on any antidepressants? They are not perfect but they do help some. Sometimes it is even harder to be at these "social" events. I do hope and pray you get some needed and well-deserved help soon.

Big hugs to you. Things will get better but you have to reach out for professional help. I am so glad you were able not to act on your feelings. Good for you!

sometimes i have the urge to destroy things too, except mine is more of an emotional destruction. i want to destroy my marriage or my friendships. i want to watch everyone hurt because i'm hurting and why aren't they?

i can't promise that things get better because i don't know the answer to these sorts of things. i have better time and worse times and it all muddles together some days.

but... i can say there are paths to lead to soothing the hurt.

and it's okay to stare. sometimes that's all we can do and it's okay.

Sounds like your troubled, in psychotic phase. Don't hurt yourself or anyone else. Remind yourself of the beautiful, nice things and people there are in the world. Its not all black. You are worthy person. Its difficult to see positivity though I know when in severe depressive episode. But you have inner strength and courage like me to get through the difficult times. I have been there numeours times feeling like not carrying on with life, having intense dark thoughts and feelings and high anxiety too and despair. But I haven't given up completely in spite of everything.