Tell a secrete

I'm scared by my own thoughts

I do as well. I've always been a little(or a lot) macabre. I tell myself it's because I want to see the realities of life across the globe, and not hide my head in the sand. That's what I tell myself, I don't really know why I have such a morbid fascination for the stuff, though.

When I was younger I used to believe that if I concentrated hard enough I could control things with my mind(tPsychokinesis). When I inevitably couldn't, I thought it's just because I wasn't trying hard enough.

When I was ten, I'd heard all of this talk about people "smoking weed". I thought it sounded neat, grew curious, and decided that I, too, would smoke some "weed". I gathered some computer printing paper, went outside and picked some weeds from the yard, loosely rolled them up in the computer paper, stuck the monstrosity of a "joint" in my mouth, and lit it and inhaled very deeply. I coughed until I almost puked and felt very light headed and then got a headache. I was a smart child in a lot of ways, always excelled far beyond my peers academically...but I did some very stupid things. I've always been strange and impulsive...

Sometimes I am consumed by this... deep desire to move somewhere... anywhere in the world and assume a new identity.

I don't wanna be independent and "free". Been there, done that. I find it more fulfilling to rely and be relied on by others. To me, that's true freedom and wholeness.

Even though I'm a nice enough person, I don't want anyone to know me. I am afraid that if they do, they will find out that there is nothing there. When I think about who I really am, I see a void. I have no idea why. So I keep things light, and when I feel like someone knows too much, I pull away from them. It's for the best, anyway.

This is totally me, but usually I want to fake my death and start a new life. Only my mother would care if I was dead or alive, and everyone else probably wouldn't even notice.

I feel guilty...a lot...sometimes for some of probably the most stupid things.

Then there are times when I'm in a moment and I do something seen as probably pretty mean (I talk to my friends about psychology a lot and I can go over with them exactly what their issues are) and I usually don't feel guilty for it until much much later and it dawns on me.

But the guilt I feel over the stupid stuff, is the most overwhelming, anxiety inducing guilt. Sometimes it will last for days or weeks and I won't know specifically what I really feel guilty for at some points within that time space, but I'll have this disturbing feeling of guilt that sits in the pit of my stomach and makes me feel afraid that I'm doing the wrong things and making the wrong decisions.

I wish I could be a stay at home mum and didn't have to work... I know most people want a career too, but I don't.

I want to run away and start a new life where I can be whoever and whatever I want.

Me, too! And the silverware I didn't use when setting the table, the clothespins I didn't use when hanging clothes on the line, etc. Life gets very complicated when you're trying to avoid hurting the feelings of inanimate objects...