[hard2bstrong]

I've always been there for my brother when he was in trouble with drinking and the law. I was even best person at his wedding.

When I first had a major breakdown 4.5 years ago he was kind of there and because I wasn't working I would make dinner to take around to him and his wife once a week and I tried to make an effort with his wife by trying to organise exercise sessions but she would just not go and not even tell me. I started feeling my brothers negativity bringing me down so I stopped making effort to see them. When I stopped I never heard from them. I've been going through some really **** times like more work bullying, drinking problem, lost my license for 2 years drink driving, my dog has cancer. I know we all have problems but I would have thought I would have heard from him. He has now just started messaging to see if I need any shopping done as my parents are away so I have no way to get to the shops.

I'm in a really bad place again and my parents don't know as I wanted them to go away and have fun and not worry about me. My long winded question is, do I let my brother back in? I don't need his lift to the shops and in my current state of mind I don't feel like being with a stranger which is what he is now. I feel so sad and angry at the same time. I just want him to acknowledge he hasn't been there for me and say sorry but I don't have the strength to tell him that. I'm sick of being the bigger person in these situations.

[Frankbtl]

Hi hard2bstrong, I'd say maybe noncommittally find out a little more about what's been going on with him. It might be that he had assumed things weren't too bad for you as you hadn't called him, it might be that he was going through a lot and didn't want to bother you/admit it, it might be that he just didn't think but now he's really trying to turn things around..........and possibly might.
So could be a lot of/anything/s going on. And nothing wrong with at least asking him, asking the questions.
And as for offering to get shopping, perhaps he's trying to "break the ice", see where he stands or perhaps he just can't think right now of anything else he might be able to do for you.
So maybe just "test the waters" a little/no "expectations" and see where it goes from there??
But in all of that make sure you're still holding on to what's best for you. If it drags you down, nothing at all wrong with wanting/having distance from him with what you already sound like you're going through.
And you (!!).........it sounds like a really hard time for you, are you getting any support with it?? Doctors/meds, a therapist, or other family or friends supporting you??
Still we're here as well for you if you want to talk a bit more about what's going on for you too........
And, welcome to P.C!!! You're going to find a lot of really understanding/supportive people on here, so hope you stick around.
Alison

[badcloud]

Originally Posted by hard2bstrong

I've always been there for my brother when he was in trouble with drinking and the law. I was even best person at his wedding.

When I first had a major breakdown 4.5 years ago he was kind of there and because I wasn't working I would make dinner to take around to him and his wife once a week and I tried to make an effort with his wife by trying to organise exercise sessions but she would just not go and not even tell me. I started feeling my brothers negativity bringing me down so I stopped making effort to see them. When I stopped I never heard from them. I've been going through some really **** times like more work bullying, drinking problem, lost my license for 2 years drink driving, my dog has cancer. I know we all have problems but I would have thought I would have heard from him. He has now just started messaging to see if I need any shopping done as my parents are away so I have no way to get to the shops.

I'm in a really bad place again and my parents don't know as I wanted them to go away and have fun and not worry about me. My long winded question is, do I let my brother back in? I don't need his lift to the shops and in my current state of mind I don't feel like being with a stranger which is what he is now. I feel so sad and angry at the same time. I just want him to acknowledge he hasn't been there for me and say sorry but I don't have the strength to tell him that. I'm sick of being the bigger person in these situations.

Well, I say let him back in. Let him help you. He is your brother. Tell him, gently, how you feel.

[Fuzzybear]

(sometimes we have to be the bigger person in these situations as the other is incapable of such...

I wish you peace and healing

[ToeJam]

I think Alison essentially covered what I was going to say! But yes, there could be many reasons - a biggie that comes to mind is guilt and awkwardness... as you say it's been 5 years... he perhaps didn't think much of it to begin with but then the time passed by and he didn't know 'how to' bridge the gap that widened as the months and years went by... as such he may be (and I don't know the guy or you... I'm just hazarding a guess on how I would feel in that situation) nervous as hell in how you're going to react... but he has made the step towards trying to reconnect and now the ball so to speak is in your court.

Just a thought

Let us know how things get on which ever route you decide and yes, Welcome to PC!

[Altered Moment]

My opinion is you should let him back in and try to resolve the feelings you have had.

I started feeling my brothers negativity bringing me down so I stopped making effort to see them.

Its possible he feels the same way. Maybe you are both feeling the same way toward each other. And you said he recently offered to help. That means something. Holding on to resentments is not good for you. I believe in forgiveness. Of course that can be complicated and sometimes you forgive but do not let someone back in your life because it is not healthy for you.

[unaluna]

I think thats huge that he is offering. I would forget the past and go forward to build a new relationship, but dont take anything for granted on either side. Really treat it like you would a new relationship. Build up trust if you are both willing and able. Neither of you can change the past. Just assume you both would have done better if you could. So for now, see if you both are that better person. If he is not, then you have your answer. If he is, then you have a great relationship.

[hard2bstrong]

Thank you everyone. I have found a lot clarity in your words. You are right that it's a kind gesture and a reach out to me by my brother.
I think the place I am in now, it's not good for me to see anyone that really doesn't understand what I'm going through. I'm sitting here crying and thinking it's not fair we can't just be how we were.

I am getting help. I've been on meds for 4.5 years and have just added a new one to the mix. My doctor has been good and gave me a couple of days off work, but wanted to give me more but I am so confused on what to say to work. I hate lying but I don't want to be judged, the last place I worked at sacked me because I took a week of stress leave. I have a psychologist and psychiatrist appointments but not til 2 weeks time. All I want to do is sleep and lie on the couch. I have been finding so good articles on here about eating well, write down accomplishments, etc which has been really good to chunk down getting through the day.

Anyway, I have found such strength in all your comments that I will contact my brother when I'm feeling stronger and take it one step at time with no expectations.

Thank you all so much.