[hurricane1992]

I've never posted on anything like this before. But I am struggling to find someone who understands what I'm going through.

I'm 22 now and I struggled with major depressive disorder until I was 21 years old. After years of futile attempts at treatment I had given up.
However, my blessing in disguise came in the form of an extremely abusive boyfriend. The relationship was short (only a month) but ended with police intervention after he attempted to shoot me.
The experience pushed my depression to a new low and prompted my family to put out large amounts of money to finally get me the help I needed.

Two months later the medication kicked in and I was overwhelmed by how much better I felt. But now that the dust has settled (it's been about 6 months) I am overcome by anxiety from my past...

I've been hospitalized multiple times through my teens for suicidal thoughts/attempts.
Despite a genius iq and perfect sat score I failed my way through school. I dropped out of college.
I was a terrible employee at all of my jobs.
I let every one of my boyfriends abuse me because I believed I deserved it.

I'm no longer suicidal... and honestly I don't feel sad either. But I have no confidence. Everything I have ever tried I have failed at due to my depression while everyone around me called me lazy. I finally have the energy to chase my dreams now but I'm terrified of messing up again.

Don't get me wrong, I feel so blessed to no longer fear suicide. Now I just fear the world that kicked me while I was down, and I trust no one. Does anyone else feel this way???

[bluekoi]

hurricane1992, I'm glad the medication helped you deal with the depression. Therapy will help you deal with the anxiety. There is more healing to take place.

Psychotherapy - Forums at Psych Central

[Altered Moment]

Welcome to the site. Yes people her will understand. I have suffered from depression my whole life but never anxiety. The about five year ago anxiety entered the picture big time. I have no idea why. Could be life circumstances or just the progression of the disease. I take meds for both but meds are only part of the answer. Therapy and the right support might be very valuable in getting you on a path to realize your potential and be happy and not afraid. For me it has been a long battle and one I still fight.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[IrisBloom]

Welcome, Hurricane. I think it is normal to have apprehensions when you are entering a new phase of life. Whether good or bad changes it can still be stressful and scary. Stick with your treatment plan and I think you will become more confident in yourself. You have an illness and it does not go away suddenly. You get where you need to be a step at a time.

[hurricane1992]

It means a lot to hear advice from people who know what I'm going through.
Sometimes it feels like everyone around me has no idea... I've heard a lot of "you're not depressed anymore you should just relax" or "why don't you just CALM DOWN" the worst being "I think you're so used to being depressed and having problems that you don't know what it feels like to not have something to complain about." Lol. So thank you guys so much

[waterknob1234]

Welcome hurricane 1992. Hugs to you.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Wow you've had a lot happen to you. I suffer on and off from depression but I hear you about anxiety. At all times whether I'm depressed or not, I have anxiety. It's hard for people that don't suffer from it to understand.

[ToeJam]

As someone diagnosed with chronic depressive disorder and acute anxiety disorder (a wonderful combination that swings me from lethargy to high flung tearing out of my hair) I can relate in part to what you've written (though I've been blessed with having a supportive partner rather than abusive ones and for that my heart goes out to you, can't have been easy on top of everything else you're going through).

With regards to anxiety, it is a disorder in it's own right and relevant to how we deal with the world around us... so I would recommend if you can to see a T who could help you to find ways to manage.

One thing on your side is that despite you saying

Despite a genius iq and perfect sat score I failed my way through school. I dropped out of college.
I was a terrible employee at all of my jobs.

22 is a young age and you have a lot of opportunity ahead of you... you have plenty of time to go back to college should you desire or find a job that suits your nature and succeed in it... you just need to take those little steps to regain self esteem and find ways to cope with or even overcome peeks of anxiety.

Personally I failed school completely... in the UK we have g.c.s.e's and there was no way I could progress to the next step without resitting... with that said, I did end up going to college, resitting those basic qualifications and that led to me eventually going to university and getting my degree. Failures do not stop us in our tracks forever and like I said, there is no reason why you can not pursue your dreams... just need to do a bit of self care first.

[Fuzzybear]