[Thefearofknowingall]

Hello everyone,

I don't have anyone to really talk to in my life so I thought signing up for these forums would be a good way to get some support, seeing as you all go through similar issues with depression and anxiety.

Brief intro, I'm married, in a decent paying job with good benefits. The bad part is, I hate the job to the point it makes me physically ill each night and morning. I know that sounds childish probably but I will work myself up with so much anxiety that my chest will hurt for hours just because of the thought of going in to work. It doesn't get better when I go in, when I finally leave work it feels like I exhale after holding my breath all day.

One if my problems is that I don't feel I can leave this job. It pays for my insurance and my 4 medications (which ironically it pushed me into getting more of) and I'm frankly not skilled enough for anything else. I have a high school diploma but the jobs that pay well around here, or anywhere really need something more. I'm in my late 20s and I feel like my life is passing me by, like I really missed a lot of opportunities. I'm not blaming anyone, maybe depression.

I'm married to my wife who doesn't understand depression. She's tried. When I tell her I'm feeling down, she responds with a "You're always feeling down." And I'm beginning to feel that she thinks I'm using it as an excuse sometimes. I love her but sometimes it would be nice to talk to sometime about it, not necessarily just explain things, which is always what she needs, a detailed explanation if feelings, like a head cold. It's not always like that. Depression is complex. Sometimes I just want to not talk about it.

I don't have friends that I talk to anymore. My best friend moved away years ago and I haven't talked to him since. He was really the only guy that kept me sane and steered me through the bs in life. I'm now so vulnerable and an emotional wreck that I can easily be taken advantage of and abused emotionally.
I'm starting to feel that this may be happening.

I'm to the point I can't make a simple decision about dinner or go out in public without worrying about upsetting someone or having a panic attack. I don't know who to turn to at this point. It would be great to have a friend at this point. I have a lot going on in my life and I need someone to keep me in check.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Thefearofknowingall.

Would your work benefits include therapy/treatment?
Can you identify the specific aspects of the work that are draining the life out of you?

Originally Posted by Thefearofknowingall

I don't have friends that I talk to anymore. ...
I'm to the point I can't make a simple decision about dinner or go out in public without worrying about upsetting someone or having a panic attack.

This all very much sounds like depression/anxiety. I fear you will have to deal with it eventually in one way or another.

Please make yourself at home here.

[Thefearofknowingall]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Thefearofknowingall.

Would your work benefits include therapy/treatment?
Can you identify the specific aspects of the work that are draining the life out of you?

This all very much sounds like depression/anxiety. I fear you will have to deal with it eventually in one way or another.

Please make yourself at home here.

Therapy is covered and it would be a great help but I don't want to miss work because I have to make it up. If I miss an hour on a Monday, I have to make it up on Tuesday, etc. I can't take those long days so I don't bother. I work at a call center, a very busy one.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Thefearofknowingall, it sounds like you're having a really hard time, right now and you're right, here is a really good place for support, so welcome to PC!!
Now this is just a thought but do you think with the way you're feeling about your job, it may be the underlying depression/anxiety feeding into that. Sometimes just the thought of having to do something/anything can feel so overwhelming with depression/anxiety.
And maybe it's not as much that "even 4 medications aren't enough", but perhaps 1/any 1, 2....just aren't the right medication/s for you. Doesn't need to mean you need more/higher doses.....but maybe a change in medication???
And as for the job, if it is the job, I'm always going to say no job is worth feeling like that for. But there could be ways around it e.g. if there's any chance of a transfer, looking at a different position where you're working, working less hours........But maybe you need a bit of a break (even a very short break) right now, if you could book some leave, or even if you feel that you need to go off sick with the way you're feeling?? And perhaps just look into the possibilities of other jobs??
Sorry I've jumped ahead!! I should have asked if there's anyone you work with you could talk to as well, sometimes just sharing problems can help just a bit, and if they're facing some of the same problems at work it might help if you could support each other??
And as for your wife..........when you tell her you're feeling down............well you're feeling a lot more than down aren't you?
Depression is a lot more than "feeling down". I know it might take a lot to tell her how it really is (straight down the line, as far as you can!!) for you, but it might be important, do you think?? Maybe she needs to really "face it", for both of you??
And as for talking Rohag had an excellent suggestion of seeing if your benefits include therapy/treatment. Something's like that can help a lot, so perhaps look into your options??
But it is good that you've come here. Well done on reaching out and please don't stop doing that, because with the right support things can get better.

Alison