[Spectre88]

I want to know if i am really lone in how i feel. Ive never been to a doctor or gotten help but im pretty sure its depression. After my wife left me about 2 years ago i really went into a dark time where i just didnt care anything, didnt have any energy to do anything, and just want to be with someone so i didnt feel so lonely. I thought the answer was to jump on to random dating sites and hook up with someone. When i get would get a message someone i would be ok until they would say they wanted to meet up. Then that happened i would almost have a panic attack and just want to go into a dark room and stay there for the rest of the night. Eventually i find someone but it ended up meeting someone and always feel like i was not talking enough or wanting to do anything with her. I always felt guilty about it. The relationship last about six month but we broke up after we got into an arguement and she punched me in the face. She was constantly abusive me up to that point. Ever since then i constantly feel like im not worthy of dating because im ugly and overweight. I get down on myself when i see others walking by holding hands. Over the last 6 months it has gotten better but i have days where i wake up and im either already irritated for no reason or really depressed to the point it feels like someone is constantly pushing down on me, maybe just feeling heavy. When i go to work ill go from being happy to extremely mad in a split second over stupid stuff that has happened, and then ill be fine again. Then everything will start feeling heavy again. I know im leaving out other stuff but feel it would be rambling on for a long time. I just wanna know that im not alone and there is someone that feels the same way, i know i should probably go see someone for this but i dont know if my insurance will cover it or not. I apologize if my writing it out of order or hard to read, im not good at talking about stuff.

[sike!]

you are not alone! I just wanted to say that you did a great thing by leaving someone who abused you! that in itself shows your strength and you reaching out here is a good start as well. you know that you're worth more. she was a bully so don't listen to that abuse. many employers have an employee assistance program that may be free or low cost. it's worth it to check out a professional who can help you sort through these difficulties. good luck!!

[VMblue]

Hi Spectre88 and welcome!

I used to be exactly the same at work. I would explode over a phone ringing. I never felt lonely or depressed, but I was so angry and irritated all the time. I got to the point where I wanted to stab someone with a red pen. I realised that it was an unhealthy situation, but wrote it off to job stress and changed jobs. Two months into my new job I had a full breakdown and fell so deep into depression that I can't seem to get out again.

I have learned that depression is not always sadness, the sadness can manifest as anger. And for me, when I took the anger away the sadness came. Dragging along with it all the feelings of self-hate and loneliness that I buried so deep for so many years.

To answer your question, no you are not alone. Paying for therapy is also very hard for me, so I found a counselor willing to help me after hours for free. I also received some meds to help balance everything in my brain again (waiting for them to work). But I would say you need to see someone because there are some feelings you need help handling.

I hope you feel better soon! And I hope my rambling helped a little bit.

[Fuzzybear]

[Spectre88]

Thank you! Feel a little bit better knowing that there are people out there that understand what im going. Its just been a struggle recently open up about whats going on with me. I know my parents know but outside of them i dont think many know whats going on in my life.

[dandylin]

I feel ya! Maybe you could go online and check your insurance coverage. I don't know if you are insured through work or not. But, unless you only have the catastrophic, there usually is a copay. Good luck to you. Having someone to talk to has made all the difference to me.

[VMblue]

I agree with dandylin. Talking to somebody really helps! I would encourage anybody in doubt to take a step and find somebody to talk to.