[ak482]

I just can't get away from it. No matter what, I keep having it rubbed in my face that I'm a lowly, celibate, stupid person. I feel like I need sex therapy 24/7 from wanting to end my life. I wasted over 2 years for a woman who never wanted to go out with me. Now I date someone that wants to go out with me, but I don't know now. I loathe stupidity, yet I am the worst offender; whether it be at work or in my attempts to find women. I hate sunny days when everybody is out holding hands, sticking a middle finger at my f****t self. And yet those are pitifully trivial reasons to feel depressed. When I've hit an ebb where I want to take my life, I don't find help on suicide hotlines, just judgment. And when I can't find the one or two people online that truly care about me, I get pitiful cliches and fake cheers.

Oh, and as I type this, I am in bed achy, congested, sneezy, and sweaty. Happy happy joy joy Oh and since I'm broke (thanks scumbags borrowing money by manipulating me because I choose to be such an idiot) I can't afford to call off.

Other than that, everything is just fine and dandy.

[rhode island red]

Let me just say that there are no trivial reasons to be depressed. We don't have to have a reason to be depressed. We just "are". No explanation needed. I mean, we wouldn't explain why we have cancer or diabetes or even hemorrhoids. When we're depressed, it's because there's something wrong in our brain. It is not our fault. We didn't ask for it. It does not mean we're stupid or incompetent or lowly. We are often more hard on ourselves than anyone else could ever be. I try to look at myself (during those dark times) as a friend. Would I ever tell my best friend she's stupid? Of course not!

I just happen to be going through an "up" phase right now but there's always hope. Even as I type that, I don't entirely believe it but clearly, things have been much worse, just as they have been much better. I think it's all about balance.

I've never called a prevention hotline. But perhaps the one you've called wasn't the right fit. Are there others you can try? I've been very fortunate to have therapists to help me with that and a sister who is more of a saint than a sister.

Peace to you.

[ak482]

That's the problem with me. I've always had to earn my emotions. I'm not allowed to feel sad or depressed, after all, I have a roof over my head and a car and a job. That's how I was manipulated. If I didn't supply money, 3 little kids were going to be put on the streets homeless (this was my former neighbor emptying my bank account, most likely to feed his drug habit).

I don't know about other suicide hotlines, but the national suicide hotline has been condescending, judgmental, at the very least pitifully cliched. If I had a weapon or means at the time, I may have finished the job. Congrats to them.