[Idiot17]

I am done. It's impossible to continue. The depression has gotten to me. It caught me.
On top of my depression the below is also suffocating me.

If my stress and nervousness would only be due to my work overload and responsibilites I would be able to deal with it. However the stress and tension is far worse at home. I can't go home every day to face a 'man' I wish I can murder. I can't go home every day to be ignored and invisible. I can't go home every day where I'm belittled to others. I can't go home every day and pretend everything is normal. I just can't. Perhaps I'm weak but I don't care, I can't do it anymore.

Work is over the top busy. I put in 13 hours a day instead of the supposed 8 hours. My concentration is slacking due to what's going on in my personal life (at home). My deadlines are just barely being met as I'm busy helping others with their deadlines. I absolutely don't mind helping them but it's not easy when I have many more deadlines and higher priority deadlines. (I'm directly under the CEO so) I keep telling myself I'm quitting the job. But I honestly don't want to. I enjoy the work.

I can't quit my home. I can't quit work. BUT I can quit life. And I hope to quit it asap.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((( Idiot17 ))))))))))

[falsememory7]

17, I know EXACTLY how you feel but just know that things always get better - imagine all of the negative experiences and difficult trials that you've already faced and overcome? This is just yet another one. Sure, it's probably the most difficult - and YES, it hurts so much more than you deemed possible, but like the ocean ebbs and flows, this too shall pass. Just hang in there, we at PC love you and need to talk to you. feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk more

[TheOriginalMe]

Is there any safe place you can go to? Either for your mental health or to keep you safe from what sounds like an emotionally abusive home life. Please think about where else you could go, there are lots of resources under that tab on this site, check them out, even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your friends on PC.

[waterknob1234]

We, your friends on pc love and care about you. Is there any way you can find a different place to stay even temporarily with a friend or another family member? It sounds like you so need some changes in your life. You are a good person and you deserve better.

[Idiot17]

Thanks for your replies. I didn't mean to compromise my existence here on pc. Though I guess if I give up, I am compromising it.

Work....I'm happy to be employed. I know I'm lucky. I also like working, it takes my mind off things. I like being challenged. But not like this. September is a deadline for many things, it's nearing the end of the year. Many financial reports need to be given. And I'm not ready. Nowhere near close. My boss understands that I'm overworked yet when it comes down to it, he still expects it done.

I can't take it. I had two anxiety attacks today during work that my employees witnessed. It's too much but I have no way out. I have to continue on though the depression is sapping my energy. I can barely get to work these days, I dread it.

I lost complete control. After all these years it happened.

[Jolisse]

Are you on any medication? I wondering if there's something that help you through this rough patch.

[Idiot17]

Apparently "my fathers" cancer is not fully gone and he's having another surgery today. (Had one 4 weeks ago) I found out from my sister in law because no one at home would speak to me for the past few weeks. She didn't even realize I had no effing clue.

Joke is I still want to kill him. Rip him to shreds.

And to answer your question Jolisse, I'm not on any medication.

[Rohag]

This makes me think of my own experience of striving until I hit a wall. The doc just pulled me out of the situation, and I never went back.