Ideation and Confusion

Hi there.
So everything is well for me. Busy, but well.
For some reason.. even though I am not angry, sad, or anything negative I have recurring thoughts of (Oh the cursed word that I can't seem to type).. suicide. Please don't ban this I am not thinking about killing myself. Nor am I approving that behavior. However, it's still just there. All the time. I think I might just be fascinated by it... I watch tons of movies about it or including it. I do the same thing with eating disorder movies. Although they always end up triggering me. Sometimes so do the depression movies.

I had only once in my life truly considered and planned out my own death. That's when I was seventeen. I'm nineteen now and pretty much past all the issues that led to that.

However, my first thought happened when I was twelve. And I remember walking and thinking "What am I even thinking? I don't want that." but why was it there? And why does it still come back?

I've heard of a thing called (place above word i don't like to type here) ideation. Where like someone is obsessed with it or something. I wish to not think this way. I have no reason to. I am passionate about life and have many plans and ideas. So many things I want to do. These thoughts feel lonely though because I can't just bring it up with anyone without them being concerned since many people know about my previous issues. I just wish to make sense of it.

-Mystery

Well, there are more people who have thought about it, than you might think. Its one of the things that most people know/think about, but few share/admit. However, there is a difference between thinking about it and wanting do to it. I have done both throughout my life and I think you'll be fine as long as you stay in the first category.

Thanks!

So.. would you be saying though that most people think about this often?

I'm saying that there are definitely quite a few people who thought about it at some point in their lives. How often depends on the person. You may just be interest in it and there is nothing wrong about it. What comes in my mind is forensic pathology. These guys are cutting corpses for living. All day. Every day. Does that makes them cold-blooded killers? I hope not. You shouldn't be worried about it too much, unless you want to do it.

I have thought about it since I was very young and continue to think about it daily, I'm 53 now. However very rarely do I actually want to do it. I think the ideation as merely a part of living with medication resistant depression and I have learned to live with it. I don't think I will ever commit to the act.

Ideation is okay to be discussed here as opposed to discussing future plans, or ways of accomplishing it or even discussing specific ways one may have tried in the past, those are not allowed per our Community Guidelines.

Others are right, many folks think about it at least one time in their lives. Sometimes life can be so overwhelming at a particular time that wanting out of it is where our brains go. We may be too tired to continue dealing with the issues or we may feel weak like we can't make it through them. And of course there are those who are depressed and thinking along those lines.

I was there myself many many years ago. Yes, I was a bit depressed, mostly just over my living situation and possible divorce etc. I actually verbalized my thoughts out loud to someone. It was more of a cry for help than it was what I wanted to do. I didn't want to die, I just didn't know how to ask for help I think.

Luckily, I do not have those thoughts anymore. But yeah, many of us have it now and again. It doesn't always mean that one will act on them though, just thoughts is all.

I have been reading a book on depression and just finished a chapter on suicide. According to the statistics many people attempt any carry it out and it has nothing to do with depression. I did not know that. It is very little understood. I think ideation is probably much more common than we know as others have said. It could be existential questions like deep thinkers trying to figure out the meaning of life or lack of, life after death and so on.

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