My wants (that destroy me)

I'm only 15 years old. I want to dream about a boy who likes long walks on the beach, and candlelight dinners. But know who I dream of?
A man who will possess me. I denied it at first and thought it was a bad-boy thing. But it has evolved. I don't know why. I have a good steady household, a loving family and have taken medication for depression.
But my wants don't stop. My want for someone to take me away, treat me like his trophy, beat me, screw me hard and fast. Someone who I can cling to . I want to be one of those women who have that misplaced loyalty.
Because than I won't need to think. I'd be instinct. He wants this, I do this, how please him, please him now.
Something to center my life around. I don't care about how it will destroy me. Maybe I want it to. But it dosn't stop the fact that I want someone to throw me down and take pleasure out of me, him not caring about how I feel about it.
I know its sick and I hate myself for it but please tell me why. Why I feel like this. Why I want that.
Please before I find someone who will do just that.

I hate how that makes me sound, but its all true. Please understand I'm not some wierdo. I swear. This is killing me.

Lessie,

Do you feel like you deserve to be treated badly? Or have people in your life been like that? What I am getting out of you post is that there is a part of you that wants good things, and a nice sweet boy who will treat you right, but another part of you steps in and tells you that you don't deserve that. Lessie, the part of you that wants good things is healthy and is right. You do deserve good! That's the real you. Can you tell that other part of you that it is wrong? Stand up to it.

Medication for depression can help, but the chemical factors are only part of it. Depression involves thoughts and feelings too, and it takes some work to change them. Sometimes we need help to do that. Do you have a therapist to help you with that? If not, my suggestion is to ask for professional counseling. You can use an ally to help you to strengthen the healthy part of you and be able to stand up to the part that is sending you the negative messages. And the sooner you win this battle the better - before you do get stuck in an abusive relationship.


<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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Lissie,

Hope I'm not of line answering considering I'm male and much older than you and, frankly, your open-ness is admirable, but sort of embarrassing for a modest person to read. Still, I think you are looking for honest advice about an honest concern and I'm masking my blush to make a suggestion.

If you want to dream of alternatives, maybe trying to find what works best for you, checking the fit, deciding what feels right, educate yourself as completely as possible about your choices. Dreams are fun and have a purpose, but basing life decisions on dreams is really not realistic. Go out and meet some women who live with abusive, aggresive men and see if they are content with it. Visit a woman's shelter, see what it's really like.

Here's some advice from someone who didn't educate himself well. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Don't smoke. Listen to your parents. Be responsible. Take care of yourself. What you do today may be your shadow for the rest of your life....

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius