[woundedsoul]

After he got home from taking the boys to the skating rink, he started yelling at me again. This is what he always does. Saying that I need to let go of my past, and I don't love him, I've been making him miserable for the last 15 years. That whenever we argue I shut myself off. So last night, I decided to finally open up. I let it all out. Every thing I've been holding in for the last 15 years. I know that a lot of the problems in the marriage are because of my problems with sex, because of the abuse from my dad that I never told anyone about until 1 1/2 years ago. So I never dealt with it. It's just created a serious problem in our sex life all this time. I'm working with a therapist and trying to fix it. I also have lost many people in my life, I had a baby when I was 16 who died tragically when he was 2 1/2 years old and this has really affected every aspect of my life. From my depression to how I parent my children now. He always tells me I need to move on from what happened, not that I need to forget my son, but I can't. I have so much guilt and regret. How do you just let that go? I know that it's been 21 years, but I am still stuck there. Not that I want to be, or maybe I do. Maybe I want to keep punishing myself forever. I wish it had been me instead of my baby. This is the first time I've ever talked about him with anyone in 21 years. I've been keeping everything I've been feeling inside. Last night he told me that I didn't care about my kids. And that he was going to file for custody. He knows how much my children mean to me. I don't even think he likes kids sometimes. The only reason he would do that is to hurt me. That would absolutely destroy me. I feel like I want to die right now. I can't believe he would do this to me. I feel completely broken inside.

[Little Lulu]

I am reading into your post that your husband wants you with him, present and available for a relationship with him and your children. That is actually a beautiful thing. Holding onto the past can never change what has happened and it won't make you a different person. Letting go of the past does not make you a bad person ... just someone who is facing life with courage. Staying in the present makes life manageable, one day at a time. It may feel scary to let go of those old ghosts but it is possible. I hope you find a way to work this out and keep what you have woundedsoul.

[Fuzzybear]

[Rohag]

I know it's the weekend, but are you able to contact your therapist (and/or someone else) to update them on this significant development? Now is the time for extra support.

[Altered Moment]

Is it possible that he see the therapist with you so he might gain a better understanding of what you are dealing with and how much time and hard work it takes to heal?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[woundedsoul]

He refuses to see a therapist due to having such a high security clearance. Just going to a therapist would be reported and would put his clearance in jeapardy. Although, I'm not sure if it would do much good anyway. He always tells me that if we went together that the therapist would tell me what a mess I am, and that I treat him so horribly, and that he's a saint for putting up with me for all these years. Now, I readily admit to all of my shortcomings, but we all know that no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship. Last night, I brought up 2 incidents that have been bothering me, one for 15 years, since right after we got married, and the other right after my babies were born. I asked him about the first and he wouldn't ever explained. When the 2nd happened, I just didn't ask. I knew he wouldn't explain. And at the time, I felt so guilty about my issues with sex that, I knew it would be the end of our marriage if I pushed it. Last night though, he just blew it off. No explanation. But he can bring up anything about me over and over again. It's such crap!

[Abe Froman]

I really hope it isn't over. I hope the two of you can find a way to work it out and to change it into a healthy relationship. But make sure you take care of yourself and your children either way.

Best wishes.

[Yoda]