breakdown what is it really. i have for

years tried to please people and just keep a smile on my face and no one knows what i am dealing with no one. but the last few months i can not stop crying it just comes and goes. than i just get so annoyed with my husband. i have a feeling i just want to run away but than i stop and think it would hurt people. i wish i could just argue or be verbal enough to say things back but no i just keep my mouth shut or walk away. am i stupid. why do the words not come

You don't seem stupid, first off. Your lack of response to things that make you angry could be due to many things. Generally most people tend to withhold an outburst due to fear of the consequences if they did speak out. Sometimes fear of losing control, the other person's reaction, or fear of the strength of you anger can cause you to hold back.
At times, I find it helpful to do something that either lets me blow off steam (exercise, cleaning, or even going out to the car and screaming loud. (Yes, windows rolled up) or journaling. Otherwise, I tend to slip into a downward spiral downward quickly and my inner negative tapes go on blast and repeat further dragging down my mood.
Also, spending time with a pet seems to help as well. I get unconditional love from my dog and cat (usually. Lol) and I feel like they know when I'm upset and want to comfort me.
I can understand feeling stupid when you can't get the words out like you want. Give yourself a break. I encourage you to work with a therapist on using 'when you ________, I feel ____ because _____' statements. You can practice with him/her saying the confronting statement as well as reviewing your fears about the consequences of opening up. Then comes the big test - actually using the skills you're building. Good luck.

Hello & Welcome, Pkellybear.
Depression can manifest in many ways, and one of them is cognitive slowing. That may or may not be why you are having trouble expressing yourself when and how you want.

Have you been able to see a doctor?

i have seen a therapist once and have another appointment. the dr has raised my meds. as a matter of face today a good thing happened, as my husband and i were driving home from the pain management dr, i just said to him you know i am depressed and he said he knew and that he did not know how to help me. i told him when i get annoyed with him just ignore me and leave me alone we had a long talk

i also have been looking at in treatment centers. if my insurance will cover it i might do that