[mattastrophik]

Hey, haven't been here in a while, I'll try to shorten this as much as possible.

Quick background, male, diagnosed with major depressive disorder 2 years ago. I'm currently working as a registered nurse in a state hospital, recent hire (2 years experience elsewhere) and I absolutely hate it. I hate nursing. I'm only 24 years old and I just feel stuck. Just the thought of going in to work gets me down, but people always tell me how good I am at it.

I've been trying to move out of my parents' house for YEARS, they constantly push their religious beliefs on me even when I've told them I don't believe in it. No matter how hard i try, how much money i save up, I'm still here. Something will always come up. I've been in and out of bad relationships, struggling with staying in shape, weight going up and down constantly. I've been drinking more often, using up an old RX of Xanax I have, I'm actually typing this out at the bar right now.

I'm getting paranoid, thinking there's some FORCE punishing me from being happy. I'm not even a religious or spiritual man, but I've been doing rituals I've researched, I'm losing my grip on reality and I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm sorry if this post soudnds a bit scrambled, my mind is a bit scrambled.

I'm also an artist, tried drawing a few things tonight and I CANNOT draw anything. I'm losing interest in everything, I isolate myself in my room and play video games all day. I just don't see a good outcome for myself longterm. Sorry for the ramble, I guess I'm just talking... even if you have no advice, I appreciate whoever reads this for reading it.

[waterknob1234]

Hi mattastrophik, it sounds like life has been hard for you. Nursing is a hard profession to work in, even if you like taking care of sick people. I work in the medical field and there are so many pressures. Actually, what drives me nuts is not the caring for sick people aspect, it is the beauracracy work you have to do. Have you tried to find a career counselor and work towards another profession? You are too young to do a job you are not happy with for the rest of your life.

Have you seen a therapist or counselor? I think depression makes us paranoid. It also makes us believe we don't deserve to be happy. Don't worry about rambling. This is a place to talk to people who understand and to vent. Best wishes to you.

[kaliope]

for me, it was the right meds that finally got my life on track. I balked at the idea of meds for years but then I finally had a breakdown. I had no choice but to get on meds. my life completely turned around. I can not believe the difference they made. therapy too. I wanted life to be different, needed life to be different. I worked hard at changing my thoughts. now I no longer live in poverty. I have a great job I love. drive a great car. have people who love and support me in life. I feel like the magic wand I prayed for all those years finally hit me over the head. I was hopeless like you sound and I finally got all I ever wanted. I am not saying it was easy and it didn't happen overnight. I had to work for it. but it started with meds and therapy and a desire for real change. take care.

[Alone & confused]

My "life" (or lack of one) sucks too! I don't really know what to say, but I wish I was drinking in a bar with ya! But I'm drinking alone in my room. And I must say, I'm not happy about it! So for what it's worth, you're not alone.

[dfwsteph]

just want to add my two cents, which I'm sure you already know, but to show concern: stop the concomitant xanax and drink (CNS depressants ya know)

just sayn,