[akekaomen]

Once again I'm feeling the pain of uncertainty. I have the feeling that where I am working is not going to last long and I am getting panic attacks as a result. I can't stop worrying about the fact that I am the one in my family supporting us financially.

I don't like working anyway, so I'm stuck with terrible feelings like I'm unemployable if I did lose my job now. I also feel like an incompetent manager and horrible husband/father.

This morning I couldn't stop wondering about whether I needed to make sure my life insurance wasn't lost in case I did something about my feelings. I have thoughts, but no actions. I'm just not sure if I know how to live like this. It's a torture and I can't get my mind to think clearly enough to express it well.

Therapy copays are so expensive now that I can't keep up with it. I just take medicine for my depression. I find therapy very frustrating anyway. It just reminds me that this is all my fault for not "staying in the moment" or some other technique that will keep me from getting emotional/frustrated. I don't like resolving things and I can't do well around other people, but I have to somehow cope. I'm afraid to even finish my work today, but I have no choice. I'm hardly able to concentrate long enough to work on anything right now. I wish I could take time off, but I was recently in a hospital outpatient program a few months ago, so I have no time to take without going unpaid.

On top of all of this, my family has little money and we have a lot of debt. I resent them sometimes because of what we have to spend to stay alive as a family, but I also need them. I am nothing without my family and feel sad when they are not around. I guess it's my guilt for not being able to bring them more money or support them better. The fact is we don't even have enough bedrooms for them so my youngest sleeps in my room with my wife and I sleep on the couch. This is because my oldest has a problem with anyone being in her room. She has her own issues that just remind me of all of my shortcomings and the fact that I gave her everything that frustrates her.

I don't know what to do next, but I'll post this to just put something out there. I'm lonely and want to be alone. I want to be successful, but don't want to work. It's all these contradictions that make me angry and I can't find my values while barely keeping my head above water everyday.

[regretful]

Depression is a terrible illness. I have some of the same feelings of incompetence as a husband/father. I'm also only on medication as I cannot afford any copay - it would be full fee because of the high-deductible insurance that we have...It's a lot for you to be dealing with, and though I don't have any solutions for you, I can empathize with your situation. I hope that you find some relief, and for that matter, I hope that I do too as I am searching for the same.

[Altered Moment]

Conflicting values. It can tear you up.

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[waterknob1234]

Hello akekaomen. Your situation sounds so much like mine. My job is a horrible stress factory, but I can't just up and quit. I too am the main breadwinner of my family. On top of that, with what little money my husband and I have we are trying to help our daughter who is struggling financially. We can barely pay the bills. No matter how hard I try at work, things always seem to go wrong. I am on anti-depressant meds prescribed by my primary doctor. I would like to see a therapist but I cannot afford to see one.

I wish I knew something good to tell you. I understand how you feel. I am sure you are a good husband and father. you are doing your personal best for your family and that is all you can do. Best wishes to you.

[Idiot17]

good luck.

[cat2992]

Hi. I hate that feeling of the dread cloud of anxiety as it hangs over you. I often turn to self help books (free at library) to feel like I am least thinking about change. It's so hard when you feel trapped to stay in a job you hate, but worry so much that you'll get fired. It leaves no energy to look for a new job. I understand the feeling of not even wanting to work though. Like most people, I put too much self esteem in my job title. I feel like a failure if I'm not working and yet I wish I could just sleep instead. Too bad I can't do sleep studies for a living!
Often when I have to get through some heavy task at work, I find that forcing myself to do it for 15 minutes and then rewarding myself with a little treat (yes, mini snickers) gives me something to hold on to. Otherwise I find myself distracted by my phone, internet, coworkers or unimportant tasks rather than the icky one I don't want to do. I guess it's like running a marathon and just trying to make it over each consecutive hill. Eventually, you've run a marathon. But one doesn't run that distance every day. Take solace in completing what you can, and find moments to cherish with your family. Good luck.

[akekaomen]

Thanks all for responding. Anxiety is very painful today and it makes me feel down about my ability to work well. I keep wanting to go home or stay home but I'm out of earned time. I wish I had a reason to get out of the office right now so I could hide.

[Clara22]

I just want to say: it is not all your fault. Guilt is a monster that brings us to agony. You are just a human being. I bet you did your best the majority of the time.