Not sure what's going on with me

I feel such a melting pot of emotions at the moment I feel like I don't even know what's wrong with me.

My mind is like a revolving door of anger, sadness, negativity.. Its like I can't keep up with myself and its exhausting. I want to put my head under the covers and stay there but I have to keep the brave face mask on for my little girl. Last night my bad thoughts sneaked into my dreams and I woke up so anxious and worried. I wish I could swap heads with someone else for a while!

Hi evaluna, while I've really, seriously got to commend you in keeping the brave face mask on for your little girl, it is really important that you've got an "outlet" for your emotions somewhere...............whether that's talking to a doctor, a T, a friend. or talking to us. All of them would be good, considering the way you're feeling..........but as many as possible, hey??
And with that mask, well I know it can be so hard, so exhausting to keep that on, so maybe find as much "you time" as you can...........which isn't about "keeping up appearances" whatever you do in that time...........just some time you can "relax" from the "strains" and take it a bit easier??
And if there's anything in your life you can change if only slightly, to relieve some of the pressure?? Sometimes even small changes can make a real difference.
But I know the feeling overwhelmed by emotions is a lot easier said than done to switch off, or even dial down a bit.............so if you want to talk we're here.
You will find a lot of people on here who can really identify with the way you're feeling as well as offer you some support.
Here if you want to talk...........

Alison

Thank you for such a supportive message 😊 its hard to get any 'me' time as I live on my own with my 6yo and my family live in different countries. Her father doesn't want to help out so its basically just us here. I get a day off work and when I'm finally alone in the house I tend to do nothing. Not because I'm lazy as a lot of people think but because that's what I choose to do. I might watch a film or read a book or even have a sleep but those are my few hours.

I feel like I really want to tell my mum how I am but I know she will worry so much. I'm in the UK and she's in Spain and I don't want her to be upset. But I think if I write her a letter, where I could open my heart honestly instead if talking, it would help. But I'm still not sure about that.

I really do enjoy being here and reading everyone's posts.. It makes me feel less alone and that someone else knows exactly how I feel, and I won't be judged for it.

You can have my head for awhile but I don't think you will like it. lol

depression/ anxiety. agitated depression....rapid cycling all over the place. never fun.

Are you getting any kind of treatment?

Go ahead and write that letter! You don't have to actually mail it, tho. Sometimes, it helps me to do things like that. I pour out all my emotion into writing a letter to someone.....and the act of doing that alone helps me. I don't always need a response, I just need to get stuff out of my head. Somehow, the "letter writing" is different from a journal writing, for me.

Hi Evaluna, anyone thinking you're lazy for doing "nothing" on a day off work knows next to nothing about how hard it must be to cope with the kind of emotions you're going through, let alone having to cope with them and raising a child on your own. So regardless of what they say/think, make sure you remember that you know better!!!
And whatever you want/need to do for yourself on your days off, you do, it's your time, you've definitely earned/deserved it!!!
As for the letter to your mum though............you know parenting is about more than just "the good stuff" right?? Maybe your mum would like to know/have the chance to be there for you if you're hurting?? And her being in Spain..........well she can still be there for you in plenty of ways can't she?? Sometimes just knowing that someone is listening, understands and cares can make a bit of a difference can't it?
And you wouldn't want your daughter to be hurting and not telling you because she didn't want to worry or upset you, would you?? So maybe the same for your mum??
And of course, you only have to tell her as much as you need/want to........"just enough", hey??

Alison

You're right Alison 😊 I suppose it just feels like I should be the happy one and not trouble people with my problems. But if my daughter was going through this I would want to know so I can help her. I've never really seen it from that point of view before. I know it will take me a while to write but I'm going to do it.