[DogTired]

Sorry for the long post, but I've got a situation that is making my depression worse and I guess I just need to lay it out there. I've got a husband who is having a difficult time dealing with my most recent and lengthy bout with severe depression. I don't envy him - I'm not easy to live with. But his response to my illness is making things worse. Two days ago, late in the day, I made an appointment at an intensive out patient treatment center for depression, and after all the kids' activities, homework, lunches for the next day, etc. were all set I was tired and went to bed without telling him about the appointment. When I woke up the next morning I told him right away, and gave him all of the information I knew about the clinic and the program. He seemed ok with it, and left for work. A short while later he came back home, super upset, and told me he didn't understand why I hadn't told him about the appointment, and seemed to doubt that I had been honest with him about WHEN I had made the appointment and WHY. I told him again all of the information about the appointment and said I thought it was a GOOD thing to try this out. He agreed, but was still upset with me and proceeded to stare at his lap with a wounded expression on his face, as if I had done something wrong, and he sat there for FOUR HOURS refusing to say anything else to me. How on earth do I deal with a spouse who makes this depression about HIM and isn't fully supportive of me and my efforts to get better??? It seems as though nothing I do is good enough for him. He is always upset with me. Does anyone else have a partner who does this? How do you move on and truly recover from depression with this type of negativity? I kept asking him if he'd like to talk, if he had any questions for me, if HE was depressed and needed anything, etc. but he wouldn't say anything. He accuses me of not being open with him, and then he behaves this way. I really don't need head games right now. I'm so tired of it I'm ready to ask him to move out for a while so I can have a break from it, but we have 3 school-aged kids and it would devastate them. I feel trapped. If I ask him to go get therapy on his own, he will get defensive and angry with me. I suppose I could insist that he gets therapy and not worry about his anger towards me, or just keep trying to talk reasonably (which doesn't work), or just try to ignore his behavior. It's driving me even crazier than I already am.

[Kathleen83]

Have no thoughts for ya - am in a similar situation myself. Just wanted ya to know someone is hearing you, tho.

[Frankbtl]

Hi DogTired, well I'd say you're right it does seem to be "all about him", but use that.......it is his problem............it really doesn't as much need to be yours. If he's doubting you, it doesn't need to be your responsibility to try to persuade him of...........afterall you have explained the situation in an understandable way.
If he's upset with you, if he's not supportive, if he's negative..........you've done/you're doing your bit in leaving the door open for him to alter his behaviours........you've made it clear where you're coming from, what you want/need and have offered him support too..........if he's not willing to work with you then let him isolate himself, let him feel the way he's feeling and focus on yourself. Focus on what you need, focus on what you can do with support to work through how you're feeling, what's right for you. Your beliefs, feelings, thoughts really don't have to reflect his.
And focus on the people who are really going to be there for you, he need only be "a small part in the puzzle".
Realistically it would be better if he was gone............but I'll let you consider if maybe the kids (although initially upset) may actually feel better if he wasn't around right now, I mean there's every chance they're picking up on his negativity........the way he's behaving and making you feel already, and with his attitude/lack of understanding etc perhaps those things are filtering though in the way he actually is with the kids??? Something to think about, hey???
But I have got to say, real kudos to you for perusing the IOP treatment, don't let anyone stop you from doing what's helpful to you in working through this depression. I see real strength there, you hold onto that!!!

Alison

[DogTired]

I half expect that he has been reading my emails and facebook messages and saw one that was between my friend and I, talking about making the appointment. (She encouraged me to do it and I thought it was a good idea.) I think he refused to talk to me the next morning because he had been reading my personal stuff and didn't know how to tell me he was upset without giving that away. One time he told me he knew what I was doing on the computer during the days when I was home, which totally creeped me out. Not sure if he read my stuff or just looked at my history, or even has spyware on my laptop, but why would he do any of that?? He obviously doesn't trust me, and at this point I don't trust him completely. Maybe this is his way of trying to understand what I'm going through, but it would be a whole lot better if he would just ASk me about how I'm doing and what he could do to support me, instead of acting all put out and sulking. Maybe he isn't reading my personal stuff. I'm not really sure, I just suspect it. Either way, he's not helping. Perhaps the folks at the intensive out patient place will have some words of wisdom on what to do about spouses like this.

[Frankbtl]

Hi DogTired, whether he's reading your personal stuff or not you know there's no excuse for his behavior and it's not just that he isn't helping he's also making things worse for you, right??
But try not to let him, hey??
Just like you said he easily has the opportunity to ask you how things are for you, he easily has the opportunity to offer you support (and if he doesn't know how he could ask you that too!!) but he isn't.
And it sounds like you have a really good/supportive friend there??!! If it comes to it then/if he's not able to give it, you don't need his support. If there's even just one person there for you, who "gets" it, that can make a bit of a difference, right??? So try not to let his behaviour take away from, those who do care.
And it's real good that you're planning on being so open with those at the IOP place, that's a great attitude to have. You keep going with that, anything/everything that may help, hey??!!!
Alison